But yeah, I like had this really depressing realization that nothing mattered and that this whole party was stupid and completely fucking pointless and we’re all just products to be sold at the highest bidders to corporate America. Fuck. But I like being sold. I like being a prostitute. At least we get cool music like Daft Punk. There’s no escaping it. I guess I am a fucking darkie. I hate 2004. I hate Taggart. I hate how meaningless everything is. I hate how this whole world is just the Roman Empire all over again. It just gets shittier and shitter. Fucking fuck. Maybe 2005 will be better. But I fucking doubt it. I was so idealistic and nihilistic last year, but I realized that all that darkie shit is pointless and it’s a reason to live in itself. There is no reason to live but for the hope that life will someday get better, but it never will. People like Taggart will just fucking take advantage of me until I get AIDS and die. But I kind of see my life going in that direction anyway. Hey, I might have AIDS right now. I’ve never been tested. God, why am I so depressed? I should be really happy being here will all my friends that I LOVE, but I dunno. At times when I should be so happy that I wouldn’t even contemplate it, I just feel the urge to blog about how I’m not happy. I guess I should write all the same old bullshit about wanting someone to love me, but there is no one that is perfect for me. Oh well, why hold back. I want someone to love me. I want someone to hold me in their arms and tell me it will be okay. But it will never happen.
“Way?”
“Way.”
Everyone who has seen Nowhere will get the above reference. That’s why I like Gregg Araki movies. Dan is an idealist (not in the Platonic sense), but I guess I am too…I mean, I would just kill myself if I didn’t have some hope that someday someone would love me, for at least like a week. But I didn’t even get a fucking week. God, this isn’t helping. I feel like such shit. I think it’s just that all the Taggart memories are coming back. Can you believe he actually called here and asked for a ride to work? He totally just wanted me to fuck him again. I think I got a disease from him, but I guess I shouldn’t bitch about that. I’m always too afraid to go to the doctor. So, in conclusion, we’re all going to die and this party sucks because in its fun it makes me realize all the horrible things about this world. I wish Becky was here, I always have SO much less fun when she’s not around. I’m jealous of her having a cool conversation with Devin, I wish I could have something that felt like it mattered. But I can’t feel anything. Nothing matters. I can’t wait until I’m dead so I will be proved right that life is pointless and hope is just an evolutionary device so we won’t kill ourselves. I’m too weak to kill myself. I always knew that.
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I think there was a disaese going around last night. We were all together, but sad at the same time. But I love you and that should count for something, right?
Maybe since we had such a bad time this New Years, our year will be good.
Like last year, our New Years was great, but the majority of the year was shitty.