the diary of antoine roquentin

> Jamiroquai – Little L

I read my whole Creative Writing chapter, I realize I really need to work on my characters. They are so flat. But that’s the virtue of first drafts, they give you something to make better. But anyway, I went out to my car to get my binder to see if I have an assignment…oh dear, it’s some sort of character chart. I’ll research it more in-depth tomorrow.

I must admit that I was actually listening to the radio tonight–this thing on KHSU called the Zombie Hour. It was great, they played Depeche Mode, VNV Nation, Nine Inch Nails, and Bauhaus. It was pretty darn sweet. I’ll have to listen to it more someday.

I got my new fan churning the cold air from outside into my room, my case temperature was approaching 90 degrees when I last shut it down.

I just feel so alone. But who cares, god. Blah blah blah. Self-important “depression” bullshit. Fucking spare me. I bore myself even in typing about it. Poor poor me all alone.

My mom’s parents have been really really mean to her, I don’t know if I blogged about this, but today when she talked to me she said that they made her call her sister Gail who was so mean to her the week before. They are such fucked up people. I can tell that my mom is all freaked out about it, but what can I tell her? She knows how fucked up her parents are, and she put herself in this situation by moving back there.

I am wasting the best years of my life of my life in this hellhole where there is nobody that I love. It just makes me so sad. I’m not going to be able to buy any new toys for a long time, because there isn’t really anything new that I need. I’ll just be saving up for my eventual iBook purchase.

There’s no point to blogging about depression if it’s caused by ennui. This isn’t true depression. I need to watch my sad movie and cry, but I lent it out ages ago. Oh well. I must get to sleep. It was a mistake to gorge on tacos at 11:30. My whole life was a mistake made by someone else. Nothing is my own. I have no choices. I am a machine.

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I tried to install Linux on my machine and make it a dual-boot system. So I was bored. Well, I fucked up my partition table and had to re-install Windows and reinstall all my programs. But at least I finished that retarded Erewhon book before I was done. And at least it left all my other partitions alone, so I didn’t have to copy any music or anything on. But it was still a big waste of time and I lost all my e-mail that I got since the 19th. Oh well. I need to write a story tonight. That is my one mission. I should install OpenOffice and get to work.

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I just watched the trailer for the new movie to be based on the Philip K. Dick book A Scanner Darkly and it looks SO fucking cool. If you’re on broadband, here’s the link to the trailer:

trailer

It uses quicktime.

But yeah, I slept for seventeen hours last night. I know that isn’t in any way normal. Hmm. Oh well. I’m determined to finish Erewhon, Samantha’s favorite book. I just can’t help but think after reading this novel that she’s shallow, no matter how smart she is. I bet she really identified with the narrator with his Social Darwinist “Christianize the savages” bullshit. I am DROOLING to start Marshall McLuhan’s Understanding Media: The Extensions of Man, so I want to get rid of this Erewhon shitfest today.

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One of the ladies in the office just brought me this rediculous note saying that I’m biased or something against this one school. I could easily call the lady and explain to her why she is wrong, but no. They give me this infuriating note but they don’t put a phone number. Thanks, incompetent office ladies.

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> L7 – Shit List
> Basement Jaxx – Red Alert
> Ladytron – Light and Magic
> Marilyn Manson – In the Shadow of the Valley of Death
> Nine Inch Nails – The Downward Spiral (the bottom)

Today was one of those days that doesn’t have just one cause for being shitty, it has so many causes you just fucking lose count.

Like finding a giant pile of cat shit/vomit on my car just as I pull into the parking lot at work.

Like having my back hurt like hell all day long for no fucking reason.

Like having my check engine light on for two weeks.

Like having Joe ditch me before and after class for some dickwad that spends a lot of time reading web comics.

Like having to pretend I care about anything anybody says

Like having to pretend that I like anyone.

Nobody ever escapes their childhood. When I was a kid my dad moved me from my school in a nice little town down south IN FIRST GRADE and moved me to this shithole. I had no friends for years, not until high school. And I learned to hate people. I hate people so much. I hate everyone for what those fucking cruel bastards did to me.

I just don’t fucking give a shit. I need friends so I put on my gregarious act, but inside I hate everyone, even if I don’t know it. I hate being dependent on stupid fuckheads to make me happy.

When I saw that pile of cat shit/vomit on my car I just wanted to go buy a shotgun and fucking blast that fucker to bits. I wanted to smear his fucking pieces all over the car, chanting YEAH? FUCK UP MY CAR AGAIN YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT! NOW YOU’RE DEAD, DO IT AGAIN AND YOU’LL ALL BE DEAD.

But I love my cat. Still, when I have to resort to violent revenge fantasies, I’m careening out of control emotionally.

Give me violent revenge fantasies as a coping mechanisms.
Flash!

Well, I guess I should make a list of the good things that happened:

I got to check out the hot dude with the black hair in my Econ class

The version of Linux that I like is installed and working perfectly on the computer in the living room

My computer is working okay since I brought it into class

I discovered a place I can get a signed hardback copy of J.G. Ballard’s The Atrocity Exhibition.

The new copy of the Drift is out and ready to be picked up.

I found this pretty funny site with remixes of romance novel covers.

I guess I could go pick up the Drift, but if my car breaks down I don’t want to be in Smith River at 10:30. There’s no phone in my dad’s room, he won’t answer if somehow I was magically able to find a cell phone.

LOL

I don’t want to go to sleep. If I do that then I’ll have to get up and go to work and try to not tell my boss that he’s a techtard.

I guess I could just make all the font sizes like fourteen point bold. That would work. If he tells me he can’t see that, I’ll tell him to get some dark glasses and a motherfucking cane.

Oh yay! Patrick signed on! A ray of light from Sac to save me!

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