the diary of antoine roquentin

Man, last night was so strange. I went to sleep at like 5 p.m. and woke up around nine, when Ben called me. I did my creative writing assignment and he did some reading he had to do, and then around eleven we started our journey looking for Royce. We went out to his house, but he wasn’t there, so we left a message on his door and went back to town. We hung out at KidTown for a while, then went over to Josh’s to see if Charley was online. He wasn’t, but as soon as we left Josh pulled up. We hung out for a while, he was really pissing me off. I’ll elaborate later.

Well anyway, Ben had lost this tie he had, so we went back to Royce’s house to look for it, and we found two of his windows broken out and all this glass everywhere and his dogs walking around in it. So we cleaned it all up and left him a new message, then we went and looked for his tie, which we found. I dropped Ben off and I went home, and right as I was getting ready for bed, Royce called! We talked for a little bit, it turned out one of his friends had gotten drunk and broke them. He said he’d call me when he had some time to hang out, I hope he does. I went on this big diatribe when I was at Josh’s house about how the world is screwed up, and he’s all “well then why don’t you go jump off a cliff.”

He just really pisses me off. He has no taste in movies or music, and has settled for living in some shitty town and dating a cheerleader. Maybe it’s something in the city water that makes people lose their fucking minds.

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As you can see, I’ve redesigned my site. I like it. I did the thing where I go to sleep right after dinner and wake up at about midnight, so I had a lot of time on my hands. I like the new design. Hopefully I can get some work done on the about me page this week. God I’m tired. I think I’m going to take a nap or something. I’m still not prepared for my speech. Crapola. And I still couldn’t come up with an overheard convo. I got one, but it was only eight lines. At least I tried, right? Fuck. I wish I could talk about why I feel this way, why I’m in this mood, but I can’t. I have to let it fester inside me. Maybe I should start a private “diary” or something. But I guess it’s the same thing, once it’s out there in black and white and in print, you are culpable for your feelings and assertions. I’m just sick of everything.

That whole partying with my coworkers thing this weekend was SO freaking strange. I am going to be SO weirded out for so long. I wish I could just throw caution to the wind and write passionately about whatever the fuck I wanted, but I can’t. Fuck. Pretty soon I’m not going to know anyone who gets me to talk about things I can’t post. Kelly gets me, Molly gets me, Becky gets me. Other than that, I’m stranded in the desert of the real. Language can’t express anything. Fuck. I feel so alone in this town even though I’m with people all the time.

I had this horrible dream tonight that my mom was dying from being hit by this giant wave and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I just felt so helpless. When I woke up from that I realized that yes, my mom is going to die, and I need to prepare myself. I had never before even concieved of the possibility. I helped my mom print some CD labels today. She’s getting DSL, so we will have full video voice chats from Monday on. That should be cool. Well, my wrist is killing me and I can’t vent my angst by blogging, so I guess I should just go to sleep. Fuck.

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I’ve been having way too much fun lately. Yesterday there was that get-together at my boss’s house, which was pretty fun. We went and hunted easter eggs and such, played Cribbage, Scrabble, and horseshoes. But the really cool part was afterwards, me and some of my coworkers went and got 40s and hung out at one of their apartments and had so much fun. It was great. I slept on his couch and we went to get breakfast in the morning. It was sweet. I’m lounging around in my boxers with a my hair in a towel because I’m too tired to get dressed or brush my hair. My knee is feeling better though, I can almost walk on it like nothing happened. Me and Joe will defeat the Asian girls that are übergood at Dance Dance Revolution (DDR).

Oh yeah, Friday was Naiya’s b-day. That was fun. We went over to her house and played Jenga, then we went to Wal-Mart and I got a cane (it really helped my knee heal). Then we went to the theatre and played DDR and we totally got served by these Asian chicks, but we beat these other fat chicks that came in, so we felt good. Then we drove all around, hitting KidTown and the pier. After that we went to the casino and we were so bored by it. God, we stunk like cigarettes for such a long time after we left there. I really need to go into town and get that Tim Harrower book so I can write my speech outline, but with my current energy level (or more like lack of), it’s going to take a while. I’m going to finished watching Totally F***ed Up and then I’ll watch Kids. Velvet Goldmine was so-so. I mean…it was totally THE FUCKING SEX cuz it had a bunch of hot guys (and Placebo had a bunch of cameos) but the plot just kinda…I dunno…died.

It’s strange, I’ve been feeling really lonely. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been exercising (I always get sorta depressed when I don’t excercise), but I’ve been downright mopey about not having a boyfriend. :( Maybe I’m having some sort of hormonal change. I noticed last week that I’m starting to grow chest hair. That was weird. I know, TMI, but still. Maybe that’s the reason. But yeah, I’m going to go watch James Duval start a relationship with a hot guy and then have something crazy happen. I love Gregg Araki. He’s my hero.

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Guess what. I GOT A RAISE!!! Woot! And my boss said all these cool things, and then like later I called and my car was ready! And we went and picked it up and it ran like a dream! Yay! I’m so happy! Now I make $7.75 an hour! Woot! I’m SOOOOOO happy!

Okay, must get happiness under control. Ok. Logged on to my online banking, I have about $200. That’s not bad, considering all the crap I’ve been spending money on:

Car repair – $320
Library fine from years ago (that was Daniela’s fault) – $20
Denny’s last night – $15 or so
Amazon.com shopping spree – $40 I got Session 9, SLC Punk (which I used to own until one of my friends stole it from me), and Buffalo ’66. I just have to own Buffalo ’66. It’s the most banal movie ever made.
Suicide Girls t-shirt – $20

So basically I’ve decimated my PowerBook Fund. But it doesn’t really matter, with a few of my new improved paychecks I think I’ll totally be able to afford one faster than I would have ever thought imaginable. Omg…the $70 from returning that program hasn’t shown up yet, that will bring me back in the swing of things. And my mom said she’d give me some money too. Oh yay! I can’t wait. My Netflix DVDs arrived yesterday, I can’t wait to watch them. I’m so going to get my $14.99 worth. I’m watching both of them tonight and immediately sending them back so I can fulfill my deepest movie desires.

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I took my car up today and it’s going to cost $300 to fix. I mean, I have the money, but they’re ripping me off. Oh well, at least I have it. My mom is going to lend/give (I didn’t ask) $200. Which brings my total net worth to around $500, which is just so tantalizingly close to my goal of $600+ to afford my laptop and have a generous safety margin for occurrences just such as these. Well anyway, everyone and their brother is online today, I’m talking with Ryan and Nicole right now. Ryan‘s the shiznite.

But omg! Susan lent me this great book about the gay culture in fin de siècle and early 20th century New York. Oh it should be such a fun read! Susan is so cool. O.m.g. Tawna’s friend Nicole (who I’m IMing) doesn’t know about the whole Tawna having to file a petition to not get kicked off financial aid. Weird. Well, I guess that’s a bit of a tough thing to get into a conversation. I should e-mail Joe and ask him why he went to Mexico. And then have some lunch.

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