My Ripley called me. I’m going to go see him. Now.
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I’m so used to being used that it bores me. Yawn. I have the opposite of deja vu. it’s jamais vu, where nothing ever feels new, everything feels commonplace and boring. Like this has already happened. And it has.
Perhaps I should stop listening to Josh. But he makes so much sense sometimes. We’ll see if Ripley calls me tomorrow.
Why do people have to lie? I hate my life. With every one of these ersatz relationships I die little more inside. Forever I’m suffocating in this backwards hellhole. I am not buying another thing this year. No 20″ cinema displays for me. I’m going to save up enough money to leave this place. I will be dead inside in another few years if I don’t leave.
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> Daft Punk – Something About Us
> Gwen Stefani – Crash
Ripley doesn’t love me.
Or so I think.
But I got paid today. Make me happy, money. Please.
The new Gwen Stefani album makes me hella happy.
Worked for 6 hours today.
I need to cling to the effervescence of pop music to get over him.
I got my new check card.
I’m going to Wal-Mart tomorrow to go buy some happiness.
I hope it lasts.
Devils speak of the way he’ll manifest.
Angels bleed from the tainted touch of my caress.
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> Gwen Stefani – Crash
> Gwen Stefani – Rich Girl (feat. Eve)
> Gwen Stefani – What You Waiting For?
> Nine Inch Nails – The Fragile
I hate how needy I am. But then again I am normally not like this, I usually have work and school to distract me. This long weekend is the Sunday ennui hell that never ends. I just downloaded the new Gwen Stefani album from the iTunes music store (not really, although it would be cool to). I did download and install iTunes, I’m trying out using it as my main music player, in preparation for getting an iPod Shuffle. I’m liking it so far. Joe deactivated my firewall when he came over, so torrents have been going really fast. I’m enjoying this flirt with the seedy and dangerous world of having my firewall down to get all of this incredible content. It’s like a hot, spontaneous condomless fuck. I hope I don’t get a virus.
I’m really loving this Gwen Stefani CD, I want to get up and dance so bad but my back is killing me. I’ve decided to call my new boyfriend Tom Ripley, as homage to one of my favorite movies. The tortured character of Ripley really fits his personality. I talked to him earlier today and he didn’t really say much. Maybe he doesn’t love me anymore. What is that cliché? Absence makes the heart grow fonder, something like that. Maybe he’s just not a phone person. I’m going to his house after work tomorrow, I hope it’s like we were a few days ago.
My mouse wrist is killing me, I left my ergonomic mouse at work on Friday. I’m not going to finish this database unless I take extensive breaks tomorrow. I guess I could just leave at my normal time and then come back in an hour or so if my wrists hurt.
Holy fuck. Its 1:27 a.m.
I guess I’m the needy bitch that I despise in other people. I need to channel Taggart. I need to be beautiful. I need to be emotionally unavailable. I need to be strong. Untouchable. I need to have deep pain. But I don’t. I’m too much of a pansy to cut myself, and when you don’t believe anything means anything, it’s downright hard to feel deeply enough about something to hurt yourself. How does one go about faking scars?
I haven’t felt very many emotions. I’m jealous of those who have. I guess that’s why I’m so needy. I need to feel something… anything. I wish I could convince myself that the world mattered and that there was a reason to fight and cry and strive to succeed and struggle, but there isn’t. I’m convinced to fight for love because of greeting card commercials and jejune movies.
I’m a product. Ripley needs to fix me. To turn me into a person again. To make me believe in free will. To sing Heisenberg’s praises. To make me forget about all of this horrid fatalism. To make me believe that my life is meaningful. To hold me in his arms and tell me everything is going to be all right.
Sometimes it’s just that nothing seems worth saving
Please don’t let me fall apart.
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Holy fucking shit.
For some reason, being in a relationship makes me want to better myself, and I’ve been reading up a storm this weekend. I’ve been reading Understanding Media by Marshall McLuhan, and now I’m about halfway through.
It is the most mind blowing book I’ve ever read. The last chapter on numbers and mathematics made me realize that every single bit of mathematics… everything we know is based on a linear version of the world imposed on us by print technology. McLuhan is a fucking genius.
Anyway, I must get back to my reading.
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I haven’t been blogging very much lately, and before everyone stopped reading I thought I would just say that I met someone. He’s different than anyone I’ve ever gone out with. He’s loving and doesn’t just care about sex. True, it’s only been a few days, but I can’t stop thinking about him. I just started this post to say that I don’t really post very much when I’m in a relationship. I hope this lasts. I’ve been alone for two years.
But anyway, me and Joe had so much fun yesterday. Since my wallet got stolen I have no gas money, so Joe came out and picked me up. We hiked at Endert’s Beach and wore ourselves out, then we watched the waves for a while, then went to the Thai House to eat. We met up with Ben at the movie theater and we walked around a while, stopping at KidTown for Ben to eat some food he got at Wing Wah, the Chinese food place. We played on the swings for a while, but really couldn’t think of anything to do but to drift back to the theater and hang out until we got bored. We tried to see what Misty was up to, but she wasn’t home. After that we really couldn’t think of anything to do, so Ben went home and me and Joe went over to my house to watch Naked Lunch. It was a really really strange movie.
I really shouldn’t have watched that movie, it was all about bugs and as I dictate this I have just killed four ants crawling on me. I’m supposed to go and perhaps meet my new boyfriend’s mother today. I think I’ll root around in my room to see if I can come up with a few quarters of gas money to get me there and back. I should call him and see what’s going on.
Oh god, my back hurt so bad last night, I could barely move. It’s a little better today. I should go make breakfast and call him.
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I went to sleep yesterday at about 7 PM. Notwithstanding my mother calling and waking me up two or three times, I just totally zonked out until next morning at 9 a.m. It was incredibly strange. I didn’t even feel very rested. I’m still exhausted.
I’ve just been looking over the speech-recognition solutions available for Macs. The results are quite dismal. Unfortunately it looks like I’m going to be stuck with Windoze forever. There is one bit of software that is under development, and I have yet to see any reviews of it. However, it is basically assumed as a matter of course that Dragon NaturallySpeaking running on a slow, older PC is vastly superior to the ones engineered specifically for Macs. So basically I think I’m going to be using my PC for a while. I’ve decided to buy myself a new computer around my birthday, because that’s about when I started work on building my current computer. Perhaps by then they will have dual processor iMacs that support multiple displays. I still can’t exactly buy my new computer, because a certain peripheral that is necessary for using my surroundsound system hasn’t been released yet.
So basically I’m trapped in Windoze. I regret how little I’m blogging, but with this whole situation where I can’t type, it becomes such a chore. Before, I could just log onto Blogger.com, hit create new post, and just type to my heart’s content. Now, I have to do that and launch Dragon NaturallySpeaking and dictate into a text document because Dragon doesn’t know how to interface with Firefox correctly. But the good news is I asked my boss for a new ergonomic keyboard. The business manager is supposed to research it and get back to us. Tomorrow I’m going to have a bunch of work to do that I have sort of put off since my wrists were hurting yesterday. I did, however, do this one task that I had been dreading for weeks (mostly because the deadline was tomorrow).
Let’s see… what else has been going on. Oh yeah, I went to the river yesterday! It was incredibly fun, even though all of my friends were working and couldn’t come with me. Unfortunately the river was way too high to swim in. It was running too fast to get in much further than one’s waist. But I had fun anyway, lounging on the sand and listening to my MP3 player. I called Joe to ask if he wanted to go, but he had to work. I said I’d call him later, but with my impromptu 12 hour plus nap I didn’t get around to it. I should today. Maybe.
Today Martin invited me up to see his new cat (it’s really Adrian’s, but he’s indulging himself in the fiction of it being his). I don’t know about going up there. It’s always just Adrian and Katie playing with the ferret and me standing around in silence. Jane is a good social lubricant for that milieu, but I don’t know if she will be there. Katie says that no one talks in that house, and after being over there a few times I can certainly believe that.
My life has been really boring this week. I’m basically just waiting until my new check card arrives. It had better be soon, I need to pay my taxes, my Internet bill, and my insurance. I get paid Tuesday. Hopefully I will be a little bit ahead so I can stash some more away towards the new computer I will eventually get.
I changed some of my settings on my computer to favor better performance, as someone said to do on a message board to increase Dragon NaturallySpeaking’s performance, and I think it is working. I’m not sure though. Perhaps I always get recognition this good.
I think I’m going to lay down for a bit or go outside or something. I can’t be using the computer all day, this chair is uncomfortable.
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> Chemical Brothers – Get Yourself High
> Random Depeche Mode
> Stacey Q – Two of Hearts
Today was hectic as all hell. I had to deal with the DMV, so of course that took about an hour or two out of my day. I got chewed out this morning for making all of these careless mistakes that I made because my wrists were in tremendous pain. I simply must talk to my boss tomorrow about my wrists. Definitely before he makes me do another map.
Anyway, I at least got my new driver’s license and dropped off a late assignment at the college. When I realized that my teacher’s box was gone, Linda Hays slummed out of her office ostensibly to assist me, but was really gloating to see one of her enemies leave. Go place more solitaire, neoconservative bitch.
That was harsh. It felt good. I hung out with Josh tonight, it was okay. We watched some twilight zone and some other stuff. I looked for ergonomic keyboards on the net and was very disappointed at the selection. I did find one I liked though. I have to wait until I get my new check card to buy it though. Ben was nice and let me borrow $20 to get my new ID. Tomorrow I’m going to go to the bank and attempt to withdraw some money to pay him back and to get some gas.
I’m in self-pity mode. I wish that Martin was really 19 instead of 16, then maybe my now-deceased fantasy of him being my intellectual boyfriend would be more founded. But that fantasy has as much verisimilitude as my Royce fantasy. I don’t think I could even make out with a high school dropout. I think he likes me, at least as a friend. He doesn’t interest me at all anything more than that. I’m just not attracted to younger guys. I’m attracted to people that are as intelligent or more intelligent than I am. You never know, I’m probably going to be in this town for another year at least. Maybe he will read The Stranger and Nausea and become my cute little disciple. I’m sure Royce is back from his hiatus in Portland. He never called me. Fucking men.
I don’t know. Martin and Adrien are all the entertainment I have. That’s sad. I need to get out of this town. It’s killing me slowly, every day it gets worse.
I just have to listen to some more Jamiroquai and buy some more technology and hope to feel better. It’s sad that pop music, DDR, gay guys, and microprocessors are the only things to assuage my ennui.
Oh, a song from the new Daft Punk album, “Technologic,” was on one of the new iPod commercials. I want an iPod just because the commercials are so cool. Damn apple and their impeccable marketing strategies.
I’m searching for a song that conveys all of my… essential self. It’s not really happening. The closest I can get it is “Enjoy the Silence” by Depeche Mode. And that just makes me think of one of my exes. Today is not a good day. Perhaps tomorrow will be better. That is the premise of my life right now.
Enjoy the silence.
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> :wumpscut: – Golgotha
Holy titty-fuck, :wumpscut: is totally a Christian band. How lame, I love their music. GRR. Must go to sleep before this weekend gets any worse.
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> Ladytron – True Mathematics
> 2MB – Healing Vision (Angelic Mix)
> Massive Attack – Small Time Shot Away
> Interpol – Obstacle 1
Me and Ben went up to Brookings tonight to hang out with Martin and Adrian. It was pretty cool. Adrian dyed his ferret blue. It was very cute. Adrian also has a tarantula. It was really cute too. He’s really making me want to get pets. Tomorrow is going to be about as fun as a hemorrhoid the size of Zimbabwe. God. I don’t want it to be tomorrow.
I want to know everything
I want to be everywhere
I want to fuck everyone in the world
I want to do something that matters
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