the diary of antoine roquentin

I am leaving Bouville.

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I have SOOOOO much to talk about but I am SO tired from the trip that I need to go to sleep ‘cuz I’ve been driving for like nine hours, like all night long. OMGomgomg. DREAMS DO COME TRUE. I’M LEAVING. FUCK YEAH!!!!! FUCK EVERYONE IN CRESCENT SHITTY!!!!

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> The Cure – Just like Heaven
> The Cure – Pictures of You
> Juno Reactor – War Dogs
> Juno Reactor – Navaras
> Gwen Stefani – Danger Zone
> Ladytron – True Mathematics

I did my first audio post in a long time tonight. I just couldn’t keep my disappointment in until I got home.

I don’t know what I expected. OK, I should start at the beginning.

Me and Ben and Zach were hanging out planning our trip (we totally booked a room), when who should call but Jon from Arcata. It turns out he was outside of my house.

He hung out for a while and then said he’d call me after the graduation that he came up from Eureka for was over. We ended up going to Denny’s. I guess I had planned on going over to Josh’s house for a make out/cuddle session. But he doesn’t like me at all. I was really tempted to ask him, but I didn’t. I’m really glad I didn’t, because then I still wouldn’t have been able to find my friends and I would’ve really needed them. Jon’s not the right guy for me anyway. Instead of making out, I just spent the whole time in the restaurant convincing him he needs to go to college. He didn’t heed my advice. He just talked about how he got pounded by this random guy from Cincinnati and how it wasn’t very pleasurable. That really made me feel great.

As I felt that raccoon pass under my tires while I was driving around looking for Misty and Selena I realize that that’s exactly how I felt. I hate how I’m one of those people that has to be in a relationship. I do wish that this didn’t happen two days before Pride. I need to get into ubershallow mode, Zach and Ben are probably going to find hot guys to make out with and I’ll be stuck sulking in the car listening to Nine Inch Nails.

People like Jon are the reason I’m dying inside. OK, I promised no more maudlin ranting… but I wasn’t planning on seeing Jon again. He was like the second person I ever had sex with in high school. We didn’t really do much, but we both would always talk on the Internet after he moved two Arcata about how lonely and empty we felt and how much we just wanted to hold each other. I think he works himself to death so he doesn’t feel that anymore. I guess deep down I know that he would never fulfill my dream of the perfect guy (or even the mediocre guy), but it would’ve been something. A bastion against the ennui and depression. Something to combat The Nausea.

Fuck. I guess this whole blog is just maudlin ranting. I didn’t blog almost at all when I was going out with that one guy for a few months last year. I came across some photos of him while I was redecorating my room and putting up my photography pictures on the wall. I would almost go back to him nowadays. I just feel so alone. I wouldn’t care if I was going out with an idiot. At least he tried to love me.

You know, I could really never give this blog address to my coworkers. But if they asked me for it, I would give it to them. I hope that only people that I love read this (and the random cool strangers on the Internet). It really helps me to talk about all of this. It also helps me to read Amanda’s blog. I guess we all just take a little bit of each others’ pain and gather strength from it.

I guess it’s kind of good that I didn’t find Selena and Misty or I would’ve just cuddle raped Misty all night beause I was lonely.

Okay, now to rant about work.

My boss saw this incredible graphic in the San Francisco Chronicle and wants me to make some sort of ersatz facsimile of it. But he really has no idea what he wants it to look like. He just wants it to look cool. I think what he wants is just beyond my skill level. Either I finish it Thursday or I’m not going to get it done at all. I am just exploding with anger inside every time he talks to me about graphics in the vague language of people who don’t do art. He keeps repeating over and over what the impact of the graphic is but never ever ever tells me what he wants it to look like or what he wants me to change. It is so incredibly infuriating, but I don’t really say much, I just agree with him. Mostly because I see the Insipid Coworker of Doom disagree with him all the time and I don’t want to be put in that category. My boss doesn’t know how to communicate visually. He wants me to insert these factoids into the graphic, but doesn’t tell me what he wants them to be, doesn’t give me any leads on where to find these magic factoids that I guess I’m supposed to conjure up from Niflheim.

To those that aren’t cool, that last reference was homage to the ex that fucked me up bad’s screen name. I gave Josh all of my things in my room that reminded me of him, and he never gave them back when he moved. I found a photo of the guy (Taggart) in my old photography portfolio that I was going through today. I was so cold emotionally that it didn’t faze me at all. It was weird. Usually I think of all those pretty lies he told me and think back to the night he dumped me when I cried for hours. But I didn’t feel anything. Or remember anything. I just put the photo down and kept sorting them. I don’t know whether that is bad or good. I’m going to go to the beauty supply tomorrow and see if there’s anything to be done to fix my hair. I’m seriously considering cutting it all off. I guess I blame my hair for my complete inability to find a boyfriend. But Ripley said that I shouldn’t cut off when I asked him. I guess he liked it. And that’s reason enough to keep it.

I need to stop wallowing in self-pity and just go to sleep. I’m so exhausted. And heartbroken, even though I shouldn’t be. Should I have just asked him whether he liked me, even if it would’ve hurt if he said no?

Ripley and I haven’t talked in it seems like months. I miss him a lot. I wish cuddling wasn’t cheating. That’s all I need. Must stop listening to The Cure, it’s just putting me into an even more sentimental mood (if that’s possible). I’m going to bed.

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> Juno Reactor – Mona Lisa Overdrive [not the gay Matrix version], War Dogs
> The Faint – Glass Danse
> Gorillaz – Dare
> Infected Mushroom – Illuminaughty

Today was stressful and boring at the same time. Most days don’t fit under both categories… but this one was special, I guess. I did download a bunch of cool music last night. I’m not sure whether I like The Faint, they have some OK songs but they’re a little too emo for me. They have some really good ideas with their music, but I find myself just begging aloud for them to stop pussyfooting around and just rock. Depeche Mode could, but they just fail. Sorta. I guess the jury’s still out on them. But I really do love Juno Reactor. Their music is like the soundtrack to movies that haven’t been made yet. It’s delicious.

I got all of my classes sorted out, I have to go over and pay the $230 fee tomorrow. I must deposit that savings bond. And then comb the thrift stores for any scrap of fabric that will help me look cool when I’m in San Francisco. So there is lots to do tomorrow. I really should get to sleep at about one. I also need to stop at the salon and see if there’s anything in there that can fix my hair. It needs to be absolutely glorious for the trip.

I caved and then took another class, but it’s another psychology class… I thought it good to only study two subjects, even if it technically is three classes. And if the third one is hard, I’ll just drop it. I need to get an incredible grade in biology to erase the F I got in it last time. OK, well I can’t think of anything to say and it’s almost one so I should be signing off. Oh yeah, I talked to my mom today. She’s thinking of coming down in November. I’m not really sure how that’s going to work, but if she does it will be cool.

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG!!!!!!!

I might get to see my ubercool cousin and her incredibly cool friends when we go down to San Francisco!!!!! EEK!

Okay, I’m done. Must go to sleep.

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