> Cardigans - Explode
> Peaches - Set it Off, Hot Rod

Today was incredibly boring, but sort of fun. Me and my mom went up to Fred Meyer to get a few things and for me to check out the iPods. I went to go ride my bike this morning when I realized that my MP3 player was totally fucking broken. Before when I had to have it fixed it was just something with the audio connections to the motherboard of the player. But now there is something wrong with the ROM of the player, it won’t boot up correctly.

I really wanted to get an iPod shuffle, but that is just too much money. Maybe in a month or so when I leave. Why do things keep breaking? Fucking entropy.

Anyway, after Freddy’s we went out to Harris Beach and took a walk. At least I got her to talk about something important: her relationship with her sister. My aunt has been such a bitch ever since she married that rich asshole and started her perfect little rich person life.

My mom made spaghetti and then me and her and the person that she’s staying with watched Run Lola Run. They liked it.

Ripley just instant messaged me. I almost wish that I was one of those people that hate their exes and block them and never talk to them again. I can’t help but like him. I hate myself.

I really want to buy this album by The Hacker. It’s $10 on iTunes. I will buy it when my paycheck clears next week. There’s not much to report this weekend.

> Placebo - Without You I’m Nothing
> Fischerspooner - All We Are
> Cardigans - Explode
> Marilyn Manson - In the Shadow of the Valley of Death
> Moby - Sleep Alone

I hung out with my mom almost all day today. We didn’t really have much to talk about, but I took her down to Endert’s Beach and it was a really nice setting to hang out and walk along the beach, talking about the occasional thing that crossed our minds.

Later we went up to Brookings so she could do some karaoke with her old buddies. I was really bored and just stayed in the car and listened to music most of the time. She had fun though, and that’s what mattered. I drove over to Fred Meyer, but I had forgotten my check card at home. I couldn’t help myself but drive by Ripley’s house. I don’t know what I was expecting… perhaps his abusive boyfriend leering out the window with a carving knife… but there was nothing. All the time I was up there I was half waiting for my friends to call me wanting to do something. It’s 1 AM. Nothing.

It’s not like I’m complaining, because I didn’t call anyone… but I just feel like Misty and Selena have cooler people to hang out with than me. And of course I feel like Ben doesn’t really want to hang out with me either. It’s all just me overanalyzing everything, as usual. I want to hang out with Ben, but I can’t really imagine what we would do except for drive around Crescent City aimlessly. I’m not 21 so I can buy alcohol. I just don’t know how to relate to him. I don’t know how to relate to anyone. I’m hopeless. The only thing I can relate to is my voice recognition software and my computer. I can relate to the Internet. I can relate to books. I just feel so hopelessly alone. I feel like in the future I’m going to be the Insipid Coworker of Doom. Everyone’s going to secretly make fun of me behind my back because that’s what they did in grade school.

And now I can’t stop thinking about Ripley, how much I miss him… even though we only hung out for like a week before he dumped me. This is all so puerile. But of course now that he told me of that his boyfriend and him have been getting into physical fights, many times through the day I’m thinking to myself “What if Ripley’s getting the shit beat out of him right now?” A lot of the times I feel like what I really feel for Ripley isn’t so much that I love him, but that everyone in the world has fucked him over. And I want to be the one person that didn’t just use him. But I would be using him. I would keep telling him to go back to school and stuff and trying to make him into a person that he isn’t. But he isn’t happy with that creepazoid that he’s living with so maybe he does want to turn over a new leaf. I don’t know. I guess it’s impossible to go out with someone without changing them. I hate being used but then again I will use people without a second thought. I hate people that try to change you but I try to change everyone I know. Why am I such a hypocrite?

I lent my mom The Haunting of Hill House. I doubt she’ll read it, but it’s the thought that counts. She expressed interest in it over the phone, and I wanted to show that I paid attention. I did nothing today except for hang out with her. At least I made a new playlist on iTunes. It’s pretty cool.

Some Peaches, Meat Beat Manifesto, Human League, Smiths, Jamiroquai. It’s very nice. I’m bored. And anxious. I hate how I just…get so into people I go out with. Even if I only go out with them for a weekend. I suppose I just want to be happy again, and the possibility makes me a bit giddy.

I’m going to take a shower and try to relax.

> Marilyn Manson - Ka-Boom Ka-Boom
> Assemblage 23 - Divide

Work was very fun, I guess. I have been sorting out the scripting language for our database software File Maker Pro. It’s actually incredibly simple and user-friendly. If only I could say the same for actionscript. But anyway, amidst the tedium I have decided to resurrect my fantasy life. Or at least make one. I have decided that every day I’m going to think of the story involving my coworkers. Well, my coworkers will be the unwilling actors in my testosterone crazed fantasies. I’m thinking…

I don’t know. Even if it turns out to be tacky fanfic slash, it will be my tacky fanfic slash. First I need to invent pseudonyms for all of my coworkers in order to do this with complete and utter impunity. EEK! This will be much more entertaining for me, since I know who these people are and what they look like. But still. uberfun!!!

The cast:

Katarine Vobaum
Diane Selwyn
Holly Gatti
The Red Queen
O’Brien
Grenoille
and Meursault (the new stranger of the office)

(Great. Ripley just called me. As annoying and vacuous as Josh was, at least I can say that we both agree that exes always have hidden agendas. I wonder what Ripley wants. Probably something other than his pathetic existence. I guess that subjective… but when you don’t have anything to talk about after not seeing someone for like months, that’s pretty sad. His cell died. Hm.)

(Mothercrap. He just called back. We just talked for like four hours. Him and his boyfriend have been fighting again. I don’t need all this drama. I’m definitely not going up there again until he gets his own place. He’s been working full-time at the pet store, it seems. He seems like such a nice person, I don’t know why his boyfriend beats up on him. I guess things like that don’t really make any sense. I wish I could make that guy be nice to him. I hate people that only hang around others because they want to change them, but I must admit I really do want to change him. I want him to go back to school and get his GED. So he doesn’t have to put up with assholes beating him around. And I want him to go to college, but that’s another matter entirely. At least I don’t want to change the person that is. Except for that annoying thing where he says “no” to everything I say. Well, it was only annoying the night he broke up with me. Fuck. I need to go to sleep. I need to stop fantasizing that there will ever be anyone to love me.)

Today I hung out with my mom almost all day after work. I need a bulleted list here. It was:

Emasculating
boring
tedious
annoying
guilt-provoking
nostalgic
strange

But I felt so guilty to be bored. My mother spent thousands of dollars to get here so she could hang out with me. And what do I do? After a day of errands, I go home at 9 p.m. when I don’t have to wake up tomorrow. I watch TV alone. I instant message Amanda. I write in my blog.

I feel like such a horrible person. My mom bought me lunch, filled up my gas tank, even bought me a soda when I was thirsty. I feel like a horrible person for being alone at my house right now instead of spending every waking second with her. It’s not like I dislike her or anything, I just have my computer here… the only computer in Del Norte County that I can use without pain. I am an Internet person. I’m sorry. I have to put my thoughts down on paper. Or at least on a database server. I guess talking about it won’t make it any better. I should rewind and start from the beginning of the day. And lucky reader, you have already read the beginning of the post (above “Today…”) so you, my friends, have traveled in time! Woohoo!

I’m going to go to sleep and unwillingly have dreams about cuddling with Ripley. Accursed subconscious. I should have been expecting this, yet I was totally unprepared. Why do I have to be me?

> My new LP!

I’m devouring my new record, it has all these remixes of Technologic on it…it’s so sweet! More on the mom situation later when I’m not on a sugar high listening to glorious music!

http://www.naturalpoint.com/smartnav/

I have the SmartNav EG.