The Diary of Antoine Roquentin

> Marilyn Manson – Ka-Boom Ka-Boom
> Assemblage 23 – Divide

Work was very fun, I guess. I have been sorting out the scripting language for our database software File Maker Pro. It’s actually incredibly simple and user-friendly. If only I could say the same for actionscript. But anyway, amidst the tedium I have decided to resurrect my fantasy life. Or at least make one. I have decided that every day I’m going to think of the story involving my coworkers. Well, my coworkers will be the unwilling actors in my testosterone crazed fantasies. I’m thinking…

I don’t know. Even if it turns out to be tacky fanfic slash, it will be my tacky fanfic slash. First I need to invent pseudonyms for all of my coworkers in order to do this with complete and utter impunity. EEK! This will be much more entertaining for me, since I know who these people are and what they look like. But still. uberfun!!!

The cast:

Katarine Vobaum
Diane Selwyn
Holly Gatti
The Red Queen
O’Brien
Grenoille
and Meursault (the new stranger of the office)

(Great. Ripley just called me. As annoying and vacuous as Josh was, at least I can say that we both agree that exes always have hidden agendas. I wonder what Ripley wants. Probably something other than his pathetic existence. I guess that subjective… but when you don’t have anything to talk about after not seeing someone for like months, that’s pretty sad. His cell died. Hm.)

(Mothercrap. He just called back. We just talked for like four hours. Him and his boyfriend have been fighting again. I don’t need all this drama. I’m definitely not going up there again until he gets his own place. He’s been working full-time at the pet store, it seems. He seems like such a nice person, I don’t know why his boyfriend beats up on him. I guess things like that don’t really make any sense. I wish I could make that guy be nice to him. I hate people that only hang around others because they want to change them, but I must admit I really do want to change him. I want him to go back to school and get his GED. So he doesn’t have to put up with assholes beating him around. And I want him to go to college, but that’s another matter entirely. At least I don’t want to change the person that is. Except for that annoying thing where he says “no” to everything I say. Well, it was only annoying the night he broke up with me. Fuck. I need to go to sleep. I need to stop fantasizing that there will ever be anyone to love me.)

Today I hung out with my mom almost all day after work. I need a bulleted list here. It was:

Emasculating
boring
tedious
annoying
guilt-provoking
nostalgic
strange

But I felt so guilty to be bored. My mother spent thousands of dollars to get here so she could hang out with me. And what do I do? After a day of errands, I go home at 9 p.m. when I don’t have to wake up tomorrow. I watch TV alone. I instant message Amanda. I write in my blog.

I feel like such a horrible person. My mom bought me lunch, filled up my gas tank, even bought me a soda when I was thirsty. I feel like a horrible person for being alone at my house right now instead of spending every waking second with her. It’s not like I dislike her or anything, I just have my computer here… the only computer in Del Norte County that I can use without pain. I am an Internet person. I’m sorry. I have to put my thoughts down on paper. Or at least on a database server. I guess talking about it won’t make it any better. I should rewind and start from the beginning of the day. And lucky reader, you have already read the beginning of the post (above “Today…”) so you, my friends, have traveled in time! Woohoo!

I’m going to go to sleep and unwillingly have dreams about cuddling with Ripley. Accursed subconscious. I should have been expecting this, yet I was totally unprepared. Why do I have to be me?