The Diary of Antoine Roquentin

> Placebo – Without You I’m Nothing
> Fischerspooner – All We Are
> Cardigans – Explode
> Marilyn Manson – In the Shadow of the Valley of Death
> Moby – Sleep Alone

I hung out with my mom almost all day today. We didn’t really have much to talk about, but I took her down to Endert’s Beach and it was a really nice setting to hang out and walk along the beach, talking about the occasional thing that crossed our minds.

Later we went up to Brookings so she could do some karaoke with her old buddies. I was really bored and just stayed in the car and listened to music most of the time. She had fun though, and that’s what mattered. I drove over to Fred Meyer, but I had forgotten my check card at home. I couldn’t help myself but drive by Ripley’s house. I don’t know what I was expecting… perhaps his abusive boyfriend leering out the window with a carving knife… but there was nothing. All the time I was up there I was half waiting for my friends to call me wanting to do something. It’s 1 AM. Nothing.

It’s not like I’m complaining, because I didn’t call anyone… but I just feel like Misty and Selena have cooler people to hang out with than me. And of course I feel like Ben doesn’t really want to hang out with me either. It’s all just me overanalyzing everything, as usual. I want to hang out with Ben, but I can’t really imagine what we would do except for drive around Crescent City aimlessly. I’m not 21 so I can buy alcohol. I just don’t know how to relate to him. I don’t know how to relate to anyone. I’m hopeless. The only thing I can relate to is my voice recognition software and my computer. I can relate to the Internet. I can relate to books. I just feel so hopelessly alone. I feel like in the future I’m going to be the Insipid Coworker of Doom. Everyone’s going to secretly make fun of me behind my back because that’s what they did in grade school.

And now I can’t stop thinking about Ripley, how much I miss him… even though we only hung out for like a week before he dumped me. This is all so puerile. But of course now that he told me of that his boyfriend and him have been getting into physical fights, many times through the day I’m thinking to myself “What if Ripley’s getting the shit beat out of him right now?” A lot of the times I feel like what I really feel for Ripley isn’t so much that I love him, but that everyone in the world has fucked him over. And I want to be the one person that didn’t just use him. But I would be using him. I would keep telling him to go back to school and stuff and trying to make him into a person that he isn’t. But he isn’t happy with that creepazoid that he’s living with so maybe he does want to turn over a new leaf. I don’t know. I guess it’s impossible to go out with someone without changing them. I hate being used but then again I will use people without a second thought. I hate people that try to change you but I try to change everyone I know. Why am I such a hypocrite?

I lent my mom The Haunting of Hill House. I doubt she’ll read it, but it’s the thought that counts. She expressed interest in it over the phone, and I wanted to show that I paid attention. I did nothing today except for hang out with her. At least I made a new playlist on iTunes. It’s pretty cool.

Some Peaches, Meat Beat Manifesto, Human League, Smiths, Jamiroquai. It’s very nice. I’m bored. And anxious. I hate how I just…get so into people I go out with. Even if I only go out with them for a weekend. I suppose I just want to be happy again, and the possibility makes me a bit giddy.

I’m going to take a shower and try to relax.