I just downloaded Daft Club, and it’s like the best album ever! I’m in ecstasy!
I have this fucking neck injury, that’s why I haven’t been blogging. I didn’t get into a car crash or anything, just yesterday I woke up and my neck hurt like HELL. I can still barely move it. But anyway, back to the music.
Categories: Happiness
I can’t believe I got up at 6 a.m. to go to this job. I’m actually awake. It’s eerie.
I’m hungry and tired. And my neck is KILLING ME from tossing and turning last night. And the NyQuil made me have these fucking insane dreams, one of which was about people doing all these intravenous drugs and threatening to poke me with the needles.
I just finished doing all the pages and fighting with the image setter, so I just have to wait until they burn the plates and then I can get out of here and go to my other job. Woo!
I need to get a life.
and I am.
In 24 days.
Categories: Meditations on work
> Daft Punk – Fresh
I really want to write a letter to the editor about this Tracy and Amanda thing… but I don’t think that it’s a good idea to ruffle my boss’s feathers at the time that I’m going to be leaving. Even though it would give me great satisfaction, having an assured good reference from my first job ever gives me much more satisfaction than the puerile pleasure I would get from writing the letter.
I must take solace in the fact that Amanda will always be a pathetic nobody craving attention, doing anything to attempt to destroy everyone else’s life to distract everyone from the fact that she has done nothing with hers. I must channel the Caterine Vauban in me. Everything will be destroyed. Life is meaningless suffering.
Oh cool! Patrick just signed on. He’s totally cool. I am the master of trite teenage sayings tonight. He’s not talking to me. I need to go to sleep. Now.
Categories: Ennui
I really didn’t do anything this weekend, with the exception of the party. I was supposed to hang out with Ripley on Saturday, but (as usual) he bailed on me. Whatever. I had a sneaking suspicion he was playing both sides… pretending to go out with Adrien while secretly scheming to get me to take him to Sacramento. I’m an avid conspiracy theory inventor.
I didn’t do much today except for go on my normal 3 mi. bike ride and do a whole bunch of packing. I am amazed by how much stuff I have. But I’m whittling away at it. I’m thinking is telling my boss today that I’m leaving at the end of the month. Nah. I’ll tell him next week, a week ahead of schedule. I get paid Wednesday. I hope it’s enough to pay my bills, save some away, and buy that new hard drive I want for my computer to set up a RAID array.
Me and Ripley talked a few days ago about if he wanted to go out with me, and he said yes. But I feel like it’s not really true… but it’s all just a scheme…but then again I find it hard to believe that people like me as much as they do. I don’t know. It just really hurts to know that you’re the number two. God this post is boring me. I’m going to take some NyQuil and go to sleep. I have to be up at like quarter to six tomorrow. And then I’m going to have to waste an entire day in town because I’m lying to my dad that I’m starting college today. Motherfuck. Maybe Ripley will call me. Or maybe the sun will explode. Well, at least I’ll possibly get some reading done. I’ll put my novel in my car before I go to sleep.
Categories: jamais vu
Daft Punk is like, the best band ever. Since the beginning of bands. Ever.
And according to WordPress, this is my 2,000th post. Happy blogging to me!
Categories: Ennui
> The Hacker – Radiation
> The Chemical Brothers – Song to the Siren
Ripley: you’re not online… but I want to talk to you anyway. So I’m guess I’m doing it in a roundabout way. I don’t know. I should just wait until tomorrow. My wrists have been killing me because I’ve been typing things with my hands when I talk to you because doing it with voice-recognition was too slow and I couldn’t say the things to you that I wanted to say. My wrists are just killing me, half from the typing and a half from doing this graphic at work. Hopefully the pain will be gone and you’ll be online so I won’t have to blog about wanting to talk to you.
Okay, and I’m going to come out of the closet. I genuinely and absolutely love Sabrina: The Teenage Witch. I don’t care if it’s childish or stupid, I watched that show since I was like 16 and it’s nostalgic for me and I enjoy it. So there, world. And I watched it when I was 16 because they took Clarissa Explains It All off the air. I find it incredibly amusing that Melissa Joan Hart is my hero. Would you guys have guessed that? Hmm?
And I LOVE Star Trek. I don’t care what you say, Ben. Star Trek is fucking cool. A lot of the episodes ask important philosophical questions. And sci-fi is fucking cool. Except for the Enterprise spinoff. That blew SO hard.
Categories: Ennui
I’ve been meaning to blog about this for days and it’s something that’s been grating on my whole philosophical system. I was reading that Simone de Beauvoir novel and she had this amazing scene where the main character realized that all of her friends were just empty. I should hunt down the exact passage:
All at once the flame died out. He was just a few feet away from her, watching her. He saw her looking at Sanier, looking into his eyes, trying to set his heart afire. He saw the give-and-take of words and glances, the play of mirrors, and empty mirrors, reflecting only each others’ emptiness.
When I first read that last sentence, it just clicked with my whole worldview. But then as I was thinking about it… with the evidence for this? So everyone is empty? Surely someone has something to contribute. It dawned on me then that believing that everyone is empty, vapid, and soulless is just as naive as believing that everyone is good. I guess it should have been more obvious, but it never dawned on me until that moment.
Categories: Epiphanies
> Miss Kittin and the Hacker – L’ Homme Dans L’ Ombre
Oh my God. I just had like the most fun I have had in weeks. My coworker Matt had this party that he invited me to, and we all hung out and ate tuna and talked about all sorts of amazing stuff. I absolutely love Kat, Matt, and Katie. They are so amazingly cool. I hope I meet cool people like them in Sacramento. Me and Kat had this like a really long amazing intellectual conversation which started when she asked me why I believed that life was meaningless. I sort of laughed a bit and had to collect my thoughts because that’s not exactly a question that should be asked after you’ve had a few beers, but we had this could really great talk about like what life means to us and our plans. I miss that so much… being able to talk to people about what really matters and the questions in my life that I think are important.
We talked a lot about the Amanda Barton/Tracy Kau thing, and after a while I was basically in agreement with Kat. Tracy deserved his jail term for doing what he did, but he’s not Charles Manson. I don’t know why the editor of the newspaper is hanging him from the highest tree as if he’s some sort of serial rapist murderer or something. The consensus came to be something like this: Tracy deserved the time he got, but Amanda needs some serious counseling for her obsession with older men. All day long my boss was harping on how evil a person in Tracy was and how much of a victim Amanda was. It was infuriating me to no end. He has no idea about the situation. What a self-righteous bastard. Anyway, Katie’s new apartment is so amazingly sexy. It’s all like Victorian and gigantic. It was so cool, we were all talking about the implications of things like blogs and MySpace and Matt just busted out about what a cool person he thinks I am. And I was so flabbergasted I couldn’t respond with how cool I think he is. And when I had formed the words in my head, the moment was gone. It was unfortunate. But then again, I’m not used to actual conversation. I’m all about the instant messaging. Reality bores me. At least reality in Crescent City bores me.
Anyway, it was just an amazing night and I felt so close to Kat and everybody. I don’t think I’ll ever forget her. Or any of the people at the paper for that matter. It dawned on me tonight how deeply I’m going to miss everybody. But I guess it’s good that most of my good friends already moved away.
I am absolutely stoked (I never use that word) about moving in with my cousin. And I feel a lot more secure about it since I came out of the closet about my plans to my coworkers.
I stole all all of the bottle caps I could get my hands on for Ben. I think I’m going to give him a box of them before I leave. The best presents are from the heart, or some such platitude.
Misty and I hung out last night and cooked food and watched this movie called White Oleander. It was actually a surprisingly good movie. I feel close to Misty again. At that one time that I had left six messages on her machine I wanted to kill her. Now I understand why she was doing what she was doing. And I understand all of the stuff that’s going on with Selena’s boyfriend Josh (the one I know from grade school that I served at DDR). Him and Selena have been going out for a month and already they’re talking about marriage. Misty went out with Josh a long time ago and he used the same lines on her too. I really used to respect Selena a lot more.
I mean, she used to say up and down that he didn’t want a boyfriend and now the first guy she sees she wants to marry. I miss the old Selena. The Selena that would ditch art with me like two years ago and go talk about art and that band OKGo on the quad. I feel like I’m writing her obituary now. Writing obituaries has made me even more cynical (if it’s even possible). I picture my own little block of text. I wonder what it will say. I hope my last blog entry isn’t something retarded, but I’m sure it will be. I hope they put in my URL. That would be friggin’ sweet.
All of my great times at CR seem so bright, so real, and so happy in my memory. I guess I wasn’t really wasting my life away here. But I’m wasting it away now. I will treasure every field trip and cool friend I made. But now is the time to move on. I shouldn’t dwell anymore.
Categories: Ennui
> Depeche Mode – Waiting for the Night
> Jamiroquai – Dynamite, Starchild
> Basement Jaxx – Plug It In
> Cardigans – Higher
Today I had a few epiphanies, and a lot of fun…but not how I expected. I woke up about two hours earlier than I normally do because my dad was showing the house and I wanted to be sure to be awake and dressed before the imbeciles showed up. It turns out I woke up way too early, but it was a really cool thing because I got to watch an episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. My dad gave me a ride to work and I got there about 20 minutes early. I’m glad that I decided to check my cell phone messages, as right when I got there I had missed a call from the auto repair place! Woot. So I went down and picked my car up before work. It runs just as good as before, except for I have to jiggle it around a little bit when I put it in drive because sometimes it doesn’t catch. But that’s all irrelevant.
Anyway, I only works like an hour and a half because almost nothing came in and my boss wasn’t there to ask for anything new to do. And the databases are done. Damn my productivity.
For the record, today fucking rocked. Fast-forward to me at home after work. I had to go up to Brookings to get my cat from the veterinarian, and Ripley was online so I talked to him for a bit and he agreed to come down and watch that movie. It was actually a really well done movie. I was surprised. To the very end I was very interested in the protagonist’s guilt or innocence.
There was road construction on 101, so I took this scenic alternative of sorts called Ocean View Drive. Guys, take this on a sunny day sometime. It is fucking beautiful. Unfortunately, Ripley is about as taciturn as they come… so I rambled on for about 20 minutes about random crap (Misty calling me last night, my efforts to make the x86 version of Mac OS X run on my system, and other stuff. When I was done with my prosaic rambling (when am I ever done?), there was just dead silence. I tried to stimulate conversation, but it was just like before. Nothing. Inside I was crying out “Do even like me? What did what we have mean? Did you just go out with me out of boredom? Why did you dump me for the guy who fights with you 24/7?” but I didn’t say anything. It was probably the last time we would see each other, so I asked him yet again about his plans for the future. He has none. He’s going to live that his abusive ex-boyfriend’s house for the rest of his life. And that’s when I had an epiphany.
I give lip service to all of this philosophy about life meaning nothing and apathy and misanthropy, but this was what apathy gets: someone who doesn’t care about their situation, someone so blase to changing their own situation that they will just waste away their life doing nothing. But I guess if I was a true nihilist then I wouldn’t care because nothing means anything. But I do care. I’m idealistic. I can’t stand people who just throw their lives away. Who do stupid, destructive things. I just have to repeat over and over in my head: the Earth will be destroyed. Everyone I know will die. Nothing will mean anything. We are sustained chemical reactions, nothing more. But I dunno. I need to actually read Nietzche. And I need to read more about what Camus called the “absurd man.” I know I’m just Sisyphus. But I want to roll a cooler rock than everyone else.
Anyway…revelation: I’m a philosophical hypocrite. I wish I had friends smart enough to point such things out. I mean, after knowing someone for like two years you think that you might think that their philosophies were a bit flawed. I was much smarter than Josh. I could bamboozle him in philosophy to beat the band. And with obvious flaws in my logic too. It was like the intellectual equivalent of shooting fish in a barrel. I’m sick of that. I would rather get beaten in a philosophical debate then have a hollow victory on shaky logic and impeccable diction.
After I dropped Ripley off in Brookings, I was a bit depressed. It’s really horrible when a relationship ends before you identify all of the flaws in the person that you’re going out with. When it’s all so perfect, it lives on in your mind and you just can’t let that go. At least I can’t. But I’m just needy and lonely. So I went over to Fred Meyer to ogle the iPods and buy myself some socks and toothpaste. It was quite a melancholy chore. I must stop IMing him, we are not right for each other at all. Even as friends. Well, as IM friends we’re fine but IRL we have nothing to talk about. I’m all about the spoken/written language. And he doesn’t like to converse or write. Or read. Must stop maudlin crap. OK. On to the fun part of the day.
Well, when I got home I started packing to get my mind off of everything and actually got a bit done. But I realized I needed trash bags to put all the trash in and I needed to get some litter for my cat because his ear is raw from the sutures being removed and I’m going to have to keep him inside for at least a few more days. So I headed off to Safeway, but I thought I would stop in to the theater and play maybe one round of dance revolution. To my delight, there was this guy there I was pretty good… about a month or two underneath my skill level, but with good stamina. I must confess: I have this fantasy of meeting a hella hot guy (possibly asian) who will kick my ass at DDR and we’ll be all sweaty from the competition and go back to my place and fuck furiously. But that’s just a fantasy…for now. Anywayz…
Me and that guy played for like 30 minutes. I impressed the bystanders by doing Paranoia. There’s just like one or two steps in that song that I just can’t seem to get down. I always pass it, but there is a difference between just passing and kicking ass. Well, to a newbie… passing Paranoia is a momentous achievement. But it’s not momentous to me.
I had a lot of fun playing, but after I was totally exhausted and out of quarters I went over to Safeway to get my kitty litter, Soymilk, and trash bags. Unfortunately/fortunately I met an old friend from high school, Heather. We talked about the old times when we used to hang out at Sunset and gross out our teachers. She’s living in Bakersfield I guess. We swapped numbers. I hate that fake “I’ll call you” thing, but I found myself a smiling hypocrite standing there in that supermarket. I feel a real affinity towards her, but we don’t have anything in common anymore. All of our mutual friends have moved away. Even we have moved away. I just hate being fake, unless I’m getting paid for it.
Well, I got my stuff and got home and was too exhausted to pack. I almost hit a deer on the way home. That was not a happy experience. I’m glad I wasn’t speeding. Well, I felt like I had all of the stuff to blog. And now I really don’t have anything to wrap it up with… except for that the night always heals my frayed nerves.
Categories: Happiness,Leaving Bouville,Nostalgia