the diary of antoine roquentin

> Depeche Mode – Waiting for the Night
> Jamiroquai – Dynamite, Starchild
> Basement Jaxx – Plug It In
> Cardigans – Higher

Today I had a few epiphanies, and a lot of fun…but not how I expected. I woke up about two hours earlier than I normally do because my dad was showing the house and I wanted to be sure to be awake and dressed before the imbeciles showed up. It turns out I woke up way too early, but it was a really cool thing because I got to watch an episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. My dad gave me a ride to work and I got there about 20 minutes early. I’m glad that I decided to check my cell phone messages, as right when I got there I had missed a call from the auto repair place! Woot. So I went down and picked my car up before work. It runs just as good as before, except for I have to jiggle it around a little bit when I put it in drive because sometimes it doesn’t catch. But that’s all irrelevant.

Anyway, I only works like an hour and a half because almost nothing came in and my boss wasn’t there to ask for anything new to do. And the databases are done. Damn my productivity.

For the record, today fucking rocked. Fast-forward to me at home after work. I had to go up to Brookings to get my cat from the veterinarian, and Ripley was online so I talked to him for a bit and he agreed to come down and watch that movie. It was actually a really well done movie. I was surprised. To the very end I was very interested in the protagonist’s guilt or innocence.

There was road construction on 101, so I took this scenic alternative of sorts called Ocean View Drive. Guys, take this on a sunny day sometime. It is fucking beautiful. Unfortunately, Ripley is about as taciturn as they come… so I rambled on for about 20 minutes about random crap (Misty calling me last night, my efforts to make the x86 version of Mac OS X run on my system, and other stuff. When I was done with my prosaic rambling (when am I ever done?), there was just dead silence. I tried to stimulate conversation, but it was just like before. Nothing. Inside I was crying out “Do even like me? What did what we have mean? Did you just go out with me out of boredom? Why did you dump me for the guy who fights with you 24/7?” but I didn’t say anything. It was probably the last time we would see each other, so I asked him yet again about his plans for the future. He has none. He’s going to live that his abusive ex-boyfriend’s house for the rest of his life. And that’s when I had an epiphany.

I give lip service to all of this philosophy about life meaning nothing and apathy and misanthropy, but this was what apathy gets: someone who doesn’t care about their situation, someone so blase to changing their own situation that they will just waste away their life doing nothing. But I guess if I was a true nihilist then I wouldn’t care because nothing means anything. But I do care. I’m idealistic. I can’t stand people who just throw their lives away. Who do stupid, destructive things. I just have to repeat over and over in my head: the Earth will be destroyed. Everyone I know will die. Nothing will mean anything. We are sustained chemical reactions, nothing more. But I dunno. I need to actually read Nietzche. And I need to read more about what Camus called the “absurd man.” I know I’m just Sisyphus. But I want to roll a cooler rock than everyone else.

Anyway…revelation: I’m a philosophical hypocrite. I wish I had friends smart enough to point such things out. I mean, after knowing someone for like two years you think that you might think that their philosophies were a bit flawed. I was much smarter than Josh. I could bamboozle him in philosophy to beat the band. And with obvious flaws in my logic too. It was like the intellectual equivalent of shooting fish in a barrel. I’m sick of that. I would rather get beaten in a philosophical debate then have a hollow victory on shaky logic and impeccable diction.

After I dropped Ripley off in Brookings, I was a bit depressed. It’s really horrible when a relationship ends before you identify all of the flaws in the person that you’re going out with. When it’s all so perfect, it lives on in your mind and you just can’t let that go. At least I can’t. But I’m just needy and lonely. So I went over to Fred Meyer to ogle the iPods and buy myself some socks and toothpaste. It was quite a melancholy chore. I must stop IMing him, we are not right for each other at all. Even as friends. Well, as IM friends we’re fine but IRL we have nothing to talk about. I’m all about the spoken/written language. And he doesn’t like to converse or write. Or read. Must stop maudlin crap. OK. On to the fun part of the day.

Well, when I got home I started packing to get my mind off of everything and actually got a bit done. But I realized I needed trash bags to put all the trash in and I needed to get some litter for my cat because his ear is raw from the sutures being removed and I’m going to have to keep him inside for at least a few more days. So I headed off to Safeway, but I thought I would stop in to the theater and play maybe one round of dance revolution. To my delight, there was this guy there I was pretty good… about a month or two underneath my skill level, but with good stamina. I must confess: I have this fantasy of meeting a hella hot guy (possibly asian) who will kick my ass at DDR and we’ll be all sweaty from the competition and go back to my place and fuck furiously. But that’s just a fantasy…for now. Anywayz…

Me and that guy played for like 30 minutes. I impressed the bystanders by doing Paranoia. There’s just like one or two steps in that song that I just can’t seem to get down. I always pass it, but there is a difference between just passing and kicking ass. Well, to a newbie… passing Paranoia is a momentous achievement. But it’s not momentous to me.

I had a lot of fun playing, but after I was totally exhausted and out of quarters I went over to Safeway to get my kitty litter, Soymilk, and trash bags. Unfortunately/fortunately I met an old friend from high school, Heather. We talked about the old times when we used to hang out at Sunset and gross out our teachers. She’s living in Bakersfield I guess. We swapped numbers. I hate that fake “I’ll call you” thing, but I found myself a smiling hypocrite standing there in that supermarket. I feel a real affinity towards her, but we don’t have anything in common anymore. All of our mutual friends have moved away. Even we have moved away. I just hate being fake, unless I’m getting paid for it.

Well, I got my stuff and got home and was too exhausted to pack. I almost hit a deer on the way home. That was not a happy experience. I’m glad I wasn’t speeding. Well, I felt like I had all of the stuff to blog. And now I really don’t have anything to wrap it up with… except for that the night always heals my frayed nerves.