I just watched that movie that Ben lent me (Bend it like Beckham). It was cute. That’s about it.
My mom was hanging out with one of her friends today, and she didn’t call me. However, Kelly and Dan did call me. They found an amazing apartment. And of course I’m not ready to move yet. I hope they don’t give up on me. I’m so close to having the money!
I need to start shopping for jobs down there. My The Living End DVD has been parked in front of my monitor since yesterday. I need to force myself to believe that there’s some guy that will like me. Or at least want to fuck on a regular basis. And that movie gives me hope. And I have no idea why.
I did the three mile loop near my house on my bike. I’ve been riding more lately. I tend to really get in shape when I think I might die alone. I also started listening to Kylie Minogue again. I haven’t liked her ever since she got famous in the United States. Perhaps it’s nostalgia.
Ben called me today to ask me about this project that we were going to do for a friend of ours (we’d be paid, of course). He would do the artwork, and I would put it together on the computer and lay it out. I told him I was still interested, but he kept the conversation very short. I guess he doesn’t like me anymore either. I wonder what they hate about me. I see all these people that have flaws that are so obvious… and I wonder if I’m just like them, bumbling ahead through milieu after milieu, not realizing what a horrible asshole I am. I really doubt it, but no one can ever see themselves as a villain. As a monster. But I suppose I am my own monster. Let me quote my favorite character. If you know who it is (without Googling), you get Darius brownie points.
______: “Don’t you put the past in a room, in the cellar, and lock the door and just never go in there? Because that’s what I do. Then you meet someone special and all you want to do is toss them the key, say open up, step inside, but you can’t because it’s dark and there are demons and if anybody saw how ugly it was…”
[...]
______:”I keep wanting to do that – fling open the door – let the light in, clean everything out. If I could get a huge eraser and rub everything out…starting with myself…the thing is, Peter, if…”
Peter: “No key?”
I fantasize that they hate me, but the reality is that I probably just melted out of their lives. I can’t really imagine anyone hating me for any logical reason.
In that novel that I just read, the main character gives this interesting speech about how people always seek to find their tribe, and now with the advent of the Internet, it’s much much easier to find people that you can relate to.
A little sort of irony about the book is that he had to live on Eastern standard Time, but in no portion of the book did he consider actually living on the East Coast. That would have solved all the problems. No sleepdep.
Next book run (next week, if I finish all the ones I am going to get this week) I’m getting:
Gödel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid – Douglas R. Hofstadter
Neuromancer (Remembering Tomorrow) – William Gibson
Ender’s Game (Ender Wiggin Saga) – Orson Scott Card
Any suggestions? I guess I should make a page on books I’ve read. I’m too lazy. I need to go to sleep.
I have this headache that just won’t fucking go away. Damn it.
Categories: Ennui