> Ladytron – Destroy Everything You Touch
> Cut Copy – Saturdays
> Madonna – Push
> Depeche Mode – Stripped
> Kraftwerk – Trans Europa Express ’91
> Playgroup – Number One [Felix da Housecat - Thee Glitz Mix]
I can’t believe that I’m going to be going to work tomorrow. I can’t believe that Brian is still calling me. I can’t believe my wrists don’t hurt.
Tonight I bought a gigantic bottle of ibuprofen. Even though it will make me into a stomach ulcer-ridden artificial hemophiliac, I’m going to be all about the aspirin this week and I hope that it will help my pain. Well, physical pain at least.
Me and Kevin went to the Apple Peddler and got some food tonight. It ended up being around eight dollars. I think this is about the last time we’re going to do it. I don’t have this kind of money to go out every single night, and neither does he.
I just made a new playlist! It entertains me. Tonight I don’t know whether I’m tired or vaguely depressed. Hanging out with Kevin was definitely tiring, he is so uneducated. His version of intellectualspeak only impresses college freshmen and drunk people. I feel like a terrible person saying this, but I am an introvert with substance and he is an extrovert with no substance.
We passed the night away though, watching a Family Guy episode on my iPod and stopping by the theater so I could play a round or two of Dance Revolution. I totally sucked. I mean, I was amazing by Crescent City standards but my skills have seriously atrophied. I can’t pass the three hardest songs now. True, I had just eaten, but I still sucked. I had my iPod in its belt clip, and it fell down while I was playing and slammed into the metal dance pad with a giant metallic “CLANK.” Seriously, I didn’t freak out at all, I just reached down and calmly picked it up. My case is made out of aircraft grade aluminum. Nothing is going to fuck up my pod. There was this a lame-o there with these crappy battery powered speakers and an iPod shuffle. I simply had to show off my leet factor. He was in awe, as everyone should be at anything related to Apple.
I think I’m disappointed that I talked to Brian on the phone on three different occasions today but he was busy at work so we couldn’t really say anything. I want to have a deep conversation with him, where I get to ask him all the things I think are important about existence, but he’s always at work. Supposedly he is going to get a cellular phone soon, but a few weeks is never soon when you’re in the tenuous beginnings of a new relationship.
I’m still weirded out as to whether we are in a monogamous relationship. I guess I just can’t trust people. I don’t know. I’m going to go see him on New Year’s, which is this weekend. Everything is going too fast. I’m going to be 50 tomorrow and wonder where my life went. I kept getting deja vu when I was in Sacramento. We had done basically the same stuff last year but just with different people. Life makes me feel like everything is arbitrary. I think that that’s one of my deepest beliefs. I used to think it was strange of Marshall McLuhan to not let factual mistakes or logical errors get in the way of his philosophies. I consider myself a very logical person, but that one line of his just shattered my world,
“All media exists to invest our lives with artificial perception and arbitrary values.”
Everything is artificial. We can’t conceive of anything but ourselves. Kevin was trying to give me all this big hoopla about how all human life was too complex to have originated at random, and how if our planet was one inch closer to the sun or something like that all civilization would never have happened. There is a ridiculous number of stars in our universe. It’s something like one billion billion. Anyway, I shouldn’t feel the need to defend my worldview, but I found myself taking arbitrary philosophical positions and arguing for them. I wasn’t being a hypocrite though. Kevin was arguing that the only way to be free or whatever is to have no material possessions. I don’t see him joining a monastery. I see him complaining about how he doesn’t have any speakers or turntables. Things are more us than we like to admit. I am this house. I am my computer. I am this town. They wanted me, so here I am. Tomorrow I could be feeling humanistic and argue the exact opposite. Everything is arbitrary. And I hate that.
Well, what I really wanted to talk about was that I wish that Brian would come up here. I guess I can talk to him about that this weekend.
I’m so exhausted, and I still have to write Joe an e-mail. He called me through VoIP (voice over IP, i.e. Skype or its Google-based clone, Google Talk), and we chatted for a bit. He had to go to work though, so I said I would message him. We talked about dance revolution and how terrible we had become. It was really nice to hear his voice again.
I need to cease this needy ranting and go to sleep. I’m trying not to be needy, but that’s just the way I am. I need to put on my emotional unavailability mask when I go down there this weekend. Eh, that won’t last. I might as well throw all my cards into this relationship, it’s not like I have anything better to do. And even if he turns out to be a controlling bastard, I wouldn’t mind crying. I haven’t done in so long I would marvel at the novelty of it all.
All those feelings that I try so hard to sublimate are screaming towards the surface lately, all that “Please just hold me and tell me that everything is going to be all right” stuff. It’s all so Freudian. I miss the womb. Is that would he would say? I need to take my psychology class. And I also need to go up to Brookings to see about when the next semester starts. And I need to get my teeth pulled. And I need to go get tested. It just makes me want to pass out thinking about all this crap I have to do. I need to put on my adult hat tomorrow and take care of business. Nobody else is going to do it for me. Why do I have to be an adult at 20? Why can’t I just blow my whole savings on Legos and not leave my room ever again.
I miss building things with my Legos. Perhaps I should demonstrate the ultimate measure of being confident in your intelligence and go out and buy a bunch of Legos. I have no money though. I don’t even want to think about how much money I spent this Christmas. The only thing I’m going to think about this week is how many hours until I’m in Brian’s arms. Is that so wrong? It’s better than living for Intel-based PowerBooks.
Categories: Ennui