Did a mini-update on the Spade Photography site. The jump page now links to something. It’s not much, but it’s all that’s getting done tonight. I’m off to bed. This update lays the groundwork for doing the actual content pages. Now the site has two pages! Woot.
Categories: Ennui
> Ladytron – Destroy Everything You Touch
> Cut Copy – Saturdays
> Madonna – Push
> Depeche Mode – Stripped
> Kraftwerk – Trans Europa Express ’91
> Playgroup – Number One [Felix da Housecat - Thee Glitz Mix]
I can’t believe that I’m going to be going to work tomorrow. I can’t believe that Brian is still calling me. I can’t believe my wrists don’t hurt.
Tonight I bought a gigantic bottle of ibuprofen. Even though it will make me into a stomach ulcer-ridden artificial hemophiliac, I’m going to be all about the aspirin this week and I hope that it will help my pain. Well, physical pain at least.
Me and Kevin went to the Apple Peddler and got some food tonight. It ended up being around eight dollars. I think this is about the last time we’re going to do it. I don’t have this kind of money to go out every single night, and neither does he.
I just made a new playlist! It entertains me. Tonight I don’t know whether I’m tired or vaguely depressed. Hanging out with Kevin was definitely tiring, he is so uneducated. His version of intellectualspeak only impresses college freshmen and drunk people. I feel like a terrible person saying this, but I am an introvert with substance and he is an extrovert with no substance.
We passed the night away though, watching a Family Guy episode on my iPod and stopping by the theater so I could play a round or two of Dance Revolution. I totally sucked. I mean, I was amazing by Crescent City standards but my skills have seriously atrophied. I can’t pass the three hardest songs now. True, I had just eaten, but I still sucked. I had my iPod in its belt clip, and it fell down while I was playing and slammed into the metal dance pad with a giant metallic “CLANK.” Seriously, I didn’t freak out at all, I just reached down and calmly picked it up. My case is made out of aircraft grade aluminum. Nothing is going to fuck up my pod. There was this a lame-o there with these crappy battery powered speakers and an iPod shuffle. I simply had to show off my leet factor. He was in awe, as everyone should be at anything related to Apple.
I think I’m disappointed that I talked to Brian on the phone on three different occasions today but he was busy at work so we couldn’t really say anything. I want to have a deep conversation with him, where I get to ask him all the things I think are important about existence, but he’s always at work. Supposedly he is going to get a cellular phone soon, but a few weeks is never soon when you’re in the tenuous beginnings of a new relationship.
I’m still weirded out as to whether we are in a monogamous relationship. I guess I just can’t trust people. I don’t know. I’m going to go see him on New Year’s, which is this weekend. Everything is going too fast. I’m going to be 50 tomorrow and wonder where my life went. I kept getting deja vu when I was in Sacramento. We had done basically the same stuff last year but just with different people. Life makes me feel like everything is arbitrary. I think that that’s one of my deepest beliefs. I used to think it was strange of Marshall McLuhan to not let factual mistakes or logical errors get in the way of his philosophies. I consider myself a very logical person, but that one line of his just shattered my world,
“All media exists to invest our lives with artificial perception and arbitrary values.”
Everything is artificial. We can’t conceive of anything but ourselves. Kevin was trying to give me all this big hoopla about how all human life was too complex to have originated at random, and how if our planet was one inch closer to the sun or something like that all civilization would never have happened. There is a ridiculous number of stars in our universe. It’s something like one billion billion. Anyway, I shouldn’t feel the need to defend my worldview, but I found myself taking arbitrary philosophical positions and arguing for them. I wasn’t being a hypocrite though. Kevin was arguing that the only way to be free or whatever is to have no material possessions. I don’t see him joining a monastery. I see him complaining about how he doesn’t have any speakers or turntables. Things are more us than we like to admit. I am this house. I am my computer. I am this town. They wanted me, so here I am. Tomorrow I could be feeling humanistic and argue the exact opposite. Everything is arbitrary. And I hate that.
Well, what I really wanted to talk about was that I wish that Brian would come up here. I guess I can talk to him about that this weekend.
I’m so exhausted, and I still have to write Joe an e-mail. He called me through VoIP (voice over IP, i.e. Skype or its Google-based clone, Google Talk), and we chatted for a bit. He had to go to work though, so I said I would message him. We talked about dance revolution and how terrible we had become. It was really nice to hear his voice again.
I need to cease this needy ranting and go to sleep. I’m trying not to be needy, but that’s just the way I am. I need to put on my emotional unavailability mask when I go down there this weekend. Eh, that won’t last. I might as well throw all my cards into this relationship, it’s not like I have anything better to do. And even if he turns out to be a controlling bastard, I wouldn’t mind crying. I haven’t done in so long I would marvel at the novelty of it all.
All those feelings that I try so hard to sublimate are screaming towards the surface lately, all that “Please just hold me and tell me that everything is going to be all right” stuff. It’s all so Freudian. I miss the womb. Is that would he would say? I need to take my psychology class. And I also need to go up to Brookings to see about when the next semester starts. And I need to get my teeth pulled. And I need to go get tested. It just makes me want to pass out thinking about all this crap I have to do. I need to put on my adult hat tomorrow and take care of business. Nobody else is going to do it for me. Why do I have to be an adult at 20? Why can’t I just blow my whole savings on Legos and not leave my room ever again.
I miss building things with my Legos. Perhaps I should demonstrate the ultimate measure of being confident in your intelligence and go out and buy a bunch of Legos. I have no money though. I don’t even want to think about how much money I spent this Christmas. The only thing I’m going to think about this week is how many hours until I’m in Brian’s arms. Is that so wrong? It’s better than living for Intel-based PowerBooks.
Categories: Ennui
I have consumed so much aspirin in the past two days that it should be totally illegal. Miraculously, my wrist don’t hurt. I would always take it very sparingly because I was afraid it was burning holes in my stomach (if you don’t know, the active ingredient in aspirin interferes with an enzyme that holds the lining of your stomach together), but I reached the point where I would rather have wrists than a stomach. Does that make any sense? I guess it doesn’t have to. I’ve been on the road for seven hours.
Me and Brian were supposed to have a sexy rendezvous at his job at the Eureka mall, but with the way my Dad drives (Evil Knievel on speed) we ended up getting there an hour before Brian was supposed to get to work. So no sexy rendezvouses (sp?) for me at this week, at least. I was so incredibly horny that I was imagining every aspect of our future makeout session in lurid, Technicolor detail… but as it was not to be. Sexual fantasies are a titanic waste of time.
Kelly, me, and this girl who goes by something other than Rosemary that I can never remember, stayed up late last night cruising MySpace, doing Mad Libs, and watching Cube and Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. Around 11 p.m., we got hungry and decided to walk down to the 7-11 and take crazy pictures. I am actually feeling really lazy tonight, so I think I’m just going to upload all the pictures to my flickr gallery.
Click here to look at all the pics we took on the trip.
There are literally hundreds of pictures, so just bear with it. I’d suggest hitting the “view as slideshow” thingy if you want the full experience of all our antics. Well, I’m supposed to go over to Kevin’s house and we are supposed to go to Denny’s or something. I’m not really in the mood, because I want Brian to call me. He called earlier when I was in the shower (it was so cute, he was all “so you’re–naked right now?”), and then later when I was on the phone with my mom. It’s a vicious cycle. I want to be talking to him so I will call someone else and then when he calls I’m already involved in a conversation. I guess I should stop complaining, although it is what I do best.
Ooh! Did I tell you guys? My iPod case came today! I wasn’t really expecting it to be so amazing, but it has this glorious belt clip thing that works absolutely perfectly! I am so in love. However, there is this odd two millimeter space inside the case. It should fit the iPod snugly, but it doesn’t. I’m thinking that they just made one case for both the 30GB and the 60GB models, as the 60GB model is about 2 mm bigger than the 30 gig one. It would definitely save on production costs to only have one factory line. I’m not complaining though. It doesn’t jiggle around in the case, and the small space is actually beneficial because the screen doesn’t touch the screen protector. On my old case for my iPod nano, the screen protector would wear against the screen, completely defeating the purpose of protecting it. Anyway, I just thought I would share that little ray of sunshine in my world.
I really don’t want to hang out with Kevin, I just want to cuddle with Brian for days. But that’s not going to happen anytime soon. I really need to wash my clothes because they all smell like diesel exhaust, but I’m just too tired and lazy right now. All I can successfully do is blog and upload pictures onto Flickr.
Leaving the house would be beneficial though. I should do it, as my online tasks are now complete. I guess a more in-depth post about the festivities would be in order, but I really don’t want to remember it. Christmas gets more pathetic every year. Almost everyone in the family has some sort of mental disorder where they are totally in another world. My grandma is losing her marbles, my uncle got in a catastrophic motorcycle accident years ago and lost most of his higher brain functions, and my aunt is so drugged out I can’t even hold up a conversation with her. I just want to fix everybody in the world but I know that’s totally unrealistic and impossible. People are made to suffer.
“Fucking emo fags!” (this was yelled at me, Kelly, and Rosemary as we were walking to 7-11 on xmas. It was SO funny, we just busted up. Really. We’re emo kids. Suuuure.)
Well notwithstanding all of my maudlin posts about how much I hate the world, I actually had a really wonderful Christmas because I spent it with people that I love.
Okay, I’m off to Kevin’s house.
Categories: Ennui
Brian just called me! My wrists are pleasantly medicated, so this shouldn’t hurt too much. I’m so glad he called! Um, what else…oh yeah, I went on a shopping spree at Tower and got Pink Flamingos, Blue, and Cube.
Kelly got me Hackers, the special edition of Pulp Fiction, and this Charles Bukowski book called Pulp. It’s supposed to be really amusing since he writes all his novels when he’s drunk.
Kevin still doesn’t get the Sartre reference in the title of my blog. I must buy Kelly Nausea as a belated xmas present so she’s one of the cool kids. Elektra has read Nausea. Enough said. God, she is so uuuuugly! *puke*
I gave Brian the URL to my blog today, I wonder what he’ll think of my random rantings. Hmm. I got so manic talking to him, I wonder if that was weird. Well, I just get manic sometimes. I was going to blog pics of me and Kevin vogueing (a la the Madonna video that I played on Brian’s TV), but I forgot. Well randomly getting extremely happy is better than randomly getting drunk and bitchy and crying in a corner, like some Hot Topic employees we know. Emo kids. *sigh*
He doesn’t have a computer though, so I doubt he’ll read much. We’re about to go to my cousin’s dad’s house so she can drop off presents and such. Ouchies. Wrists. Must go.
Categories: Ennui
Nobody’s commenting on my posts. Everyone else is having a cool xmas, I guess, and not being a nerd like me. I’m not bored, but I want to be having a bunch more fun than I’m currently having. I’m not quite awake. It doesn’t feel like Christmas. I’m confused. The Matrix must have fucked around with the dates. Maybe my conciousness was only programmed yesterday. I’m on Dan’s PowerMac G4 Quicksilver at his apartment. I guess I’m being antisocial. Devin and Lacey are like, trading insults. Kelly and Dan are play-fighting. I’m bored by it.
I wonder what Brian’s doing for xmas. I wish he would call me. Okay, I’m being antisocial. Must return to the fray.
Categories: Ennui
I just saw my aunt pick up a remote control and dial it like a phone and expect it to work. The Kathy I used to know is dead. Vicodin, oxycontin, and other drugs administered in massive doses over a period of two or three years has completely destroyed her. I deeply love her, but I have no idea how to fix her. That makes me sad.
I hate Christmas. Did I neglect to mention that?
Categories: Ennui
Meat Beat Manifesto – Your Mind Belongs to the State
I hate xmas. My only solace is the glory of Meat Beat Manifesto. And, by proxy, my iPod.
I’m not going to see Brian for like a whole other week. Will he still like me? Will I still be me? This trip is weirding me out like no other.
I need to get tested for HIV. That’s my new year’s resolution. I’ve been too afraid to know for a long time, but like…if I did have it, I need to know so I’m not wasting my life away in Crescent City. I don’t know what brought that on. Possibly that one Family Guy episode where they do that “you’ve got AIDS” song. It’s incredibly funny, but it got the wheels churning.
I spent the afternoon making a playlist and trying not to blog. My wrists hurt, but I can’t help myself.
Me and Kelly went shopping yesterday. It put me in a very bad mood. It was just so sickening…all these millions of people buying this random shit out of some twisted sense of duty, not because they actually loved the people. And going to Hot Topic didn’t help either. I kept looking around to see if Brian was there, but he wasn’t, because I was in Sacramento, not Eureka. And it didn’t help that I was uberhorny. I kept looking those rocker gay bois in their tight pants up and down thinking the worst thoughts.
And that just made me even more depressed. Maybe the cute Hot Topic gay bois have AIDS. Maybe everyone in the whole mall did. And that made me think of that book Snow Crash. *spoiler alert* It asserts that everything is a virus. The first human civilizations were just elaborate cells. The priestly class would safeguard the directions on how to plow fields, mate animals, and such in the temple, storing the “DNA” of the tribe, and dispense it. The DNA that worked stayed, the DNA that didn’t was purged from the temple’s tablets. Fast-forward hundreds of thousands of years, and you realize that EVERYTHING is a self-replicating organism reproducing inside of a host. Fashion, behavior, language, it’s all a virus. Everything has heritability, nothing can reproduce without a host. In short: everything is HIV.
It just made my day feel incredibly sickening.
And I hate Christmas because all of existence is a sham.
Categories: Ennui
Guess who I just saw at Denny’s? Fucking Taggart. I was SO unprepared for that. The world sucks. I hate people who can hurt me. All I can think about now is cuddling with Brian to recharge my emotional battery. I hope Brian is impotent. Then we would be able to cuddle forever. But he’s not. Evil sex. It’s just another lie to make our lives seem to have meaning. I want to become a eunuch.
Categories: Ennui
“Well, I guess the whole Tsunami Landing controversy is a perfect example of Crescent City’s m/o, petty people fighting about nothing.” –Me
Categories: Ennui