Oh my God. Look at this. Look at it!!!!

This is the most incredible thing I have ever imagined. EEK! Gaze upon its perfection! This is the first hard drive with a window in it. This is so incredible! The drive spins at 10,000 revolutions per minute changing the polarity of molecules in a line one 100th the width of a human hair. And I can watch it while it’s doing it! Spooge! For only $350, this baby can be yours.  Go to the site and watch the video of it in action! It’s totes cool.

I’m going down to visit Brian tonight. I’m going to bring a bunch of novels, but I’m not bringing my computer. I had been playing around with the idea, but I don’t want it to stop working. MacWorld is Monday. I can wait out the weekend to see if I’m getting a powerful ultraportable laptop.

It’s late, I need to get going, but OMG! Alyssa, one of my coworkers, saw me singing karaoke last night at Everett’s. That got Karen and I talking about our drinking experiences. She said we should hang out this weekend, and I told her I was going down to Eureka to see my boyfriend. She asked how we met, and I told her the story about the East Side Deli. She told me that she would go there and drink with her friends all the time. So of course now the East Side Deli is the mecca of my universe.

I talked my mom tonight. She’s doing quite well, but she misses me. I miss her too, but it’s not like we can do much about it. Her parents are getting worse and worse every year. I just don’t know what the future holds. Whenever I go on a car trip I always think I’m going to die in a car crash and how existential that is. Years ago I ran over a cat. It was one of the most terrifying experiences I have ever had. I got out of my car and there was this heap of blood and guts and it was making that gut-wrenching pitiful cat squeal… I would have almost given my life to fix the cat, to push all the guts back into the body and magically make it alive again, but I couldn’t. And I was responsible for its death. I couldn’t stop crying, I had to call my mother to calm me down. That cat… it was everybody. All of us, all of our lives. Everything we can ever conceive of is destroyed by ourselves.

I was reading the Wikipedia article on Kraftwerk, and it made me aware of a dualism that I share:

Kraftwerk’s lyrics deal with postwar European urban life and technology — travelling by car on the Autobahn, travelling by train, using home computers and the like. The lyrics are usually very minimal, but reveal both an innocent celebration of, and a knowing caution about, the modern world, as well as playing an integral role in the rhythmic structure of the songs. Many of Kraftwerk’s songs express the paradoxical nature of modern urban life — a strong sense of alienation existing side by side with a celebration of the joys of modern technology.

Today I was reading the article about Albert Camus, and it turns out a lot of his philosophies were contradictory as well. Even he believed that there was something that was meaningful even in an absurd world. But if everything is absurd, isn’t suicide the only answer? Sometimes I hate philosophical questions because they have no answers. But I’m at zen with my contradictions.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but last night me and Kevin went to see his sister’s play rehearsal. As soon as we walked in the door, Kevin got drafted into the play. He’s going to be a Russian and has to learn these Russian songs. They tried to draft me, but I am bored with their pathetic attempts at art. As I sat there listening to the new Madonna album and playing Breakout obsessively (I got a 225 high score!) on my iPod, I couldn’t realize why I hated all of these people. After all, they were just trying to alleviate the boredom in their lives. The place also stank of fake-ass Crescent City Christians, of which I am not very fond of. I just wanted to stand up and scream “THIS IS A GRANFALLOON!” After the rehearsal, me, Kevin, and his sister went to Pizza King and were watching this live band. There was this 80-year-old guy who was this incredible guitar player. I mean, they were playing country music, but still… they were incredible musicians. You had to give them credit for that. Anyway, when Kevin walked away to request “Blue Bayou,” I asked his sister what the play was about. She said something about this guy who has a bunch of daughters and he tries to accommodate the peculiarities of each man each of the daughters marry, but the last one he can’t because the guy is of another religion. Already I was falling asleep. Christianity? That was relevant maybe in the 12th century. I feel so superior to everybody. Everyone wasting their time with their ridiculous religions fighting pointless wars over nothing. It just makes me very sick to think about it. I’m so bored by traditions like organized religion. Am I just being a pompous ass to dismiss only the foma that I explicitly disagree with?

I should probably just repeat my mantra. All values are arbitrary.

I really feel like I’m going to get into a car accident tonight. That’s why I can’t stop myself from writing. It’s not like the weather is terrible, it’s just a bit overcast and grungy. MacWorld is Monday. I’m supposed to get tested Monday. I don’t like reality checks. But I guess I should get this one over with… or at the very least started. I’m going to crank up the tunes on my iPod and get to packing. Maybe I should resist feeling like everything is pointless. I don’t know. I should pack.

I don’t really feel like writing anything tonight. I felt like writing earlier tonight, but now I’m just hungry and tired. Long story short, hung out with Kevin, he got drafted into a play, and me, him and his sister ended up at Everett’s singing “Love Shack” on their karaoke thingy. Not a bad night at all.

It was my first time being inside Everett’s, and it was just as white trash as I ever imagined. Being in there and watching those ugly, obese, tasteless women “dance” was all the proof I will ever need that there is no God.

Tomorrow I think I’m going to drive down and see Brian again. He asked me how long I was staying. I feel weird staying at his house, but that’s basically all I can do if we’re going to see each other. I mean, it’s not like I eat his food or anything, I’m totally self-sufficient– but it still makes me feel weird. Mostly I feel weird because his roommate is coming back this weekend. She’s going to come home and see some random stranger in Brian’s bed and he will be at work. I really hope he told her about me. I hope she’s not lame, but I think she is. I’m playing around with the idea of bringing my computer with me, but I would have to use the roommate’s monitor, as mine is completely nonportable. I wonder if she would be cool with that. I guess I could just took it up to Brian’s television, but that really sucks. Text is totally illegible unless you have a gigantic screen when you use your computer on a TV screen. I guess it would be better than nothing though. At least I could write. The Internet would be out of the question though.

And what’s the point of a computer without the Internet?

After that night in Crescent City’s white trash bar I simply must watch that bar scene from Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me. It is more than a need. It is imperative.

I’m totally exhausted.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but last week and me, Brian, and Kevin went to Tomo’s, the Japanese restaurant in Eureka. It was absolutely fabulous. The sushi was superb. I was in heaven. And Brian likes sushi. However, I’m beginning to notice things in him that I dislike. OK, I can only think of one thing… he doesn’t like soy milk. I don’t even know why I am bothering to mention this. I just feel like since we are now “officially” going out that this will all just go downhill. I keep comparing this to my one failed relationship, and every step in this one seems to mirror that one. It’s not true, but I can’t help but feel the inevitability of our breakup. I need to stop being so pathetic. This trip will probably be the deciding factor, and I don’t like reality checks. I need to get this cable back from my dad’s girlfriend that I gave her forever ago to see if I could get her DVD player to work. It’s the cable that allows me to hook up a television to my computer. I don’t think I’m going to be able to get ahold of her tomorrow. I need to cut my losses and go to sleep. I must prepare for the many reality checks that await this weekend.

I don’t like reality. I want to crawl into my sappy eighties love songs and disappear.