Oh my God! This tablet is beyond anything I can ever imagine. I think I’m going to be able to do web design again! EEK!
Categories: Ennui
I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was going on a field trip with Molly into the desert with a bunch of other students, and there was this one guy there that was kind of cute and we started holding hands and stuff and I felt really weird because I knew that in some other reality I had a boyfriend, but I just didn’t care. There was one funny part of the dream though, I remember exclaiming “I wish I would’ve known we were going to the desert or I would have bought that solar iPod charger!”
Anyway, it was really disturbing to me that I was just randomly hitting on this other guy. Well, I really need to get going to work, but I had to share that. It was really strange for me. Also, I know my fake tattoo looks really fake, but I’m going to need that drawing tablet I bought in order to make it actually look real. It’s supposed to have shipped today, so by the end of the week fake tattoo goodness will be mine.
Categories: Ennui
> Cassius – Au Rêve
> Looper – Mondo ’77
> Silence – Réalité
> Daft Punk – Teachers
I’m out of my 80s kick and back on my main staple, French electronica. Cassius is amazing. You should check them out.
Anyway, Brian called me with some bad news tonight. He’s going to be working all this weekend. Surprise surprise. He says that one of his managers at one of his jobs was fired and that’s why it he has had to work so much, but I really don’t think this relationship is going to work if we only see each other monthly. What am I supposed to do?
I actually returned one of Thomas’s messages today. He asked me when I was free to hang out, and I replied.
I can’t cope with this. This thing with Brian is becoming a long-distance relationship, sans webcams. Tonight I feel like I have given up on him. I can’t live like this. When the hell am I going to see him again? Fucking February? he said he requested Valentine’s Day off. What the fuck am I supposed to do until then? This is insane. I’m really hurt, him promising to come down and then saying he can’t. And then he’s all making fun of me for being “emo” (sad that he’s not coming down). I’m on my last nerve tonight. I just don’t know what to do. And I got outbid on that wonderful 88-key keyboard on eBay. No piano playing for me, it would seem. However, I did place an order for some more stainless steel rings so I can craft more chain mail. I definitely need some needle nose pliers. Which brings me to the subject of my next rant.
Binders. One would think it would be a simple task to go into Wal-Mart, get a one-inch thick binder that doesn’t look like it was made out of recycled diapers stuck together with bubblegum, and leave. But noooooo. I couldn’t find a single binder that looked like it would last a day. They were all those supercheap economy ones with the split rings. I have had this one binder since I was a senior in high school, but it’s breaking down and I need a new one. Every semester I go looking in every store I can conceive of, but none of them have durable binders with the non-round rings that won’t snag your papers. Today was a waste.
Except for that I got my teeth cleaned, and they feel wonderful. Every time I go to the dentist, they hand me this form that I have filled out once every year for like three years. Every time I see it I think to myself ” How many times am I going to fill out this form before I die?” Also, my boss was giving me all this random BS about this thing I was typing. I really wasn’t in the mood for his shit. And I would have been even less in the mood had Brian told me this in the morning. I guess it was good he waited until the evening, but still. No matter how you slice it, my weekend is ruined. I don’t blame him, but he should have specified that he wasn’t absolutely sure that he would be able to see me this weekend.
Oh well. Life is suffering, I guess. But I choose to meet that vapid guy from Brookings. He just might salvage my weekend. I should message him back. And start cruising eBay again. The Keystation 88es will be mine! Mouhahahahaha.
I’ve actually been seriously considering getting a tattoo. it’s one of those things where I would feel pathetic if I never got one before I died, and lately I feel like the clock is a-tickin’. I think it’s time to Photoshop what I want my tattoo to look like. I can fool all my new MySpace buddies that it’s real. Eek! *rushes for the digital camera*
PS: Samantha and Steve like Tom Waldrat because they don’t actually have to do any work in his class, just massage his ego. I think that’s why, a few semesters ago, they chose his class over Molly’s. And I always hated him. I doubt such a thing will ever change. They were riding their bikes around near the college today and I busted out laughing as I drove past them. They are SO pathetic. They make me glad to be alive.
Categories: Ennui
> A Flock of Seagulls – I Ran
> New Order – True Faith
I did a lot today, and I’m actually quite exhausted. Right off the bat, let’s get one thing straight. I’m going to hate Tom Waldrat. You want to know what he did on the first day of class? He ranted for 45 minutes about absolutely nothing, misrepresented the ideas of my personal jesus of media theory, Marshall McLuhan, and made us watch this retarded documentary about silent film. Instead of actually teaching (GOD FORBID!), he made us watch a documentary. In English class, did our teachers sit us down and make us watch documentaries about Shakespeare or Edgar Allan Poe? He thinks because he’s teaching about movies that he can just show them as a substitute for real lectures. He doesn’t even understand the medium he’s “teaching.”
OK, this is going to bug me until the day I die unless I say what he said. OK, Mr. Waldrat said that Marshall McLuhan said that whoever controls the media controls the message.
For the record: WRONG. TOTALLY freaking wrong.
I would give a concise explanation, but you guys probably haven’t read that novel as recently as I have, so if you want to know the depths of how wrong and superficial he was in his McLuhan abortion, read this.
Also, he started talking in this acerbic tone about David Lynch and all of his “really strange” films. Now I’m not the biggest David Lynch fan in the world, but the movies of his that I do like, I am in love with. It doesn’t matter whether you like his movies or not, he is a damn genius in that he persuaded people to produce them. Still, I just wanted to stand up in front of the class, point at him and say “YOU ARE AN IMBECILE. HOW DARE YOU.” But I just sat there and scribbled insults into my binder. Oh well.
It’s those little things that just crawl in your brain and then a few weeks later they find you dead in your bathroom with an aneurysm. I’m lucky I can get them on paper. Lol, “paper.” It’s so obsolete.
Anyway, I got tested for STDs today but I won’t get the results for awhile I guess. Kevin did the coolest thing ever and went with me. They had to take an egregious amount of blood, and I hadn’t eaten all day, so I was quite lightheaded by the time I got back home. It will all be worth it though. On Tuesday I have a dental appointment (5:20 p.m., for my own personal reference), and I’m sure they’re going to scream at me that I need to have my wisdom teeth removed. I have this one…it’s coming in like sideways. It’s my tooth that rides the short bus. God, I spend way too much time brushing my teeth. Anyway, I talked to Ripley for awhile tonight. I often get nostalgic and I go and find his deviantart page, but tonight I can’t seem to find the link. Oh well. I thought he was one of my MySpace friends. I guess not though. Ah, there he is. I must confess, he’s so darn hot. God, I can’t say that. Molly is right. Brian can’t read my blog… I won’t be able to say what I really feel. I love Brian, but I need to be free to say what ever random crap I want to talk about. I’ve sold out in every other aspect of my life, the only last place that I can be true to myself is in this blog. I just can’t stop myself from writing. I think I’m going to have a talk with him tomorrow. But I know it’s going to be one of those “don’t think about pink elephants” things where I tell them not to read it and it will just make him want to read more. Oh well. I can try.
If he feels for me what I think he does, he won’t read it. Or if he does, he’d better be doling out the grains of salt. What I’ve learned from years of this is nobody ever remembers the good things you say about them. Now I miss Brian again. Crap.
With the new version of iTunes (6.0.2) that came out this week, I finally am able to convert the videos that I took on my camera into iPod friendly format. I put the one of Brian talking about rimming (it’s incredibly funny), and I laughed for probably 15 minutes watching it over and over. It felt like he was back, at least for a little bit. And then I started encoding the ones from me and Kelly’s insane party like two years ago. WHEN I SAY BALL, I MEAN BALL!
Oh! Omg! I totally forgot to mention that Sara (my super-amazing blog buddy Amanda‘s sister) is in my Cinema class! I absolutely adore both of them, and she said that I should come over soon. We immediately started comiserating about how terrible the lecture was and how much more we knew than Tom W. She also said that in one of Tom’s other classes he showed this movie he made that he was alll proud of and it was TERRIBLE. I can’t wait to see it. I want to bask in Tom W.’s pathetic-ness. Amanda did write this one thing a few weeks ago about how her roommates would always make fun of people that she brought over, and I have this hellish image of Sara and the red hair guy (god, I can’t believe I forgot his name) making jokes about me. It’s probably not true though. I’m just being paranoid, as always.
Speaking of paranoia, when I get my results back I might have to do my first lie on my blog. I would be a total sellout. I would be doomed. But then again, everyone is doomed, and everybody lies. I shouldn’t try to be special. Well, I think I’m going to get to bed before I get all mopey and emo and attempt to sleep cuddled up in Brian’s shirt I accidentally stole from him. I tried it last week thinking it would help, but it just made me more lonely. I really shouldn’t look at Ripley’s profile. Nostalgia sucks even worse than loneliness.
Categories: Ennui
> Dead or Alive – You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)
> Talk Talk – It’s My Life
I’m paying bills today. And I definitely feel poor as hell. On the bright side, I picked up that 4×5 drawing tablet that I wanted for about half off. It remains to be seen whether I’m getting ripped off or not. However, I am under the umbrella of Amazon.com’s supposedly bulletproof guarantee, so I’m not really worried. Either I get the tablet or I get my money back.
I’m afraid to pay my bills because I have like no money left after paying for my classes and bills. I have enough to cover it, but I don’t feel rich anymore. I totally missed out on that keyboard I wanted. I went over to eBay and there was like one minute left in the auction and I didn’t have time to bid. Oh well. He didn’t specify shipping information, and I e-mailed him yesterday asking for it, so I’m guessing it’s like $50 for shipping or some random thing so that he can make a big profit.
Anyway, soon I should be the proud owner of a brand new tablet. My wrists will thank me. What I really want to do is completely eliminate my keyboard so that I’m not tempted to use it. I am in a lot of pain this weekend, and I know it’s because I used my keyboard last night to type in sentences that I should have just voice recognized.
Also on the bright side, my download of every Daria episode ever is almost done! I will soon get to enjoy them and all of their sarcastic glory on my iPod. I guess that is sort of illegal, but this Daria thing is one of those gray areas of copyright law. MTV has never released the series on DVD, so the only way I can get it is by downloading it. Well, I guess that isn’t really a gray area, but if they would release that I would buy it. The real gray area is this: I downloaded an iPod formatted version of Gattaca from Podtropolis. I own the movie on DVD, and there is this relatively complex process to convert the DVD to iPod format. However, I didn’t feel like dealing with the tedium so I just downloaded it. Common sense would tell you that if buy it already owned the movie, it would be legal to copy it onto my iPod. However, thanks to the wonders of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA), it is illegal to subvert the simple form of encryption that DVD’s use in order to copy them on to other devices.
It reminded me of the following scene from Atlas Shrugged:
“Did you really think we want those laws observed?” said Dr. Ferris. “We want them to be broken. You’d better get it straight that it’s not a bunch of boy scouts you’re up against… We’re after power and we mean it… There’s no way to rule innocent men. The only power any government has is the power to crack down on criminals. Well, when there aren’t enough criminals one makes them. One declares so many things to be a crime that it becomes impossible for men to live without breaking laws. Who wants a nation of law-abiding citizens? What’s there in that for anyone? But just pass the kind of laws that can neither be observed nor enforced or objectively interpreted – and you create a nation of law-breakers – and then you cash in on guilt. Now that’s the system, Mr. Reardon, that’s the game, and once you understand it, you’ll be much easier to deal with.” (‘Atlas Shrugged’ 1957)
Well, enough with the intellectual-property gloom and doom. I should go and pay my bills. I was fed up with how much I was paying for car insurance, so I went and got a quote with Geico. It was about $70 more than paying now, so I guess I’m not getting ripped off. I still hate paying my bills. Stupid Charter. I know it doesn’t cost than $50 a month for my Internet service. Bastards. Well, if I have any money left, I’m going to pick up that keyboard later this month. I don’t know why, but I feel an intense need to start playing the piano again.
Okay, do you guys remember that guy Thomas from Brookings? He left me a few comments last week, but I really didn’t want to message him. I have a feeling that it’s going to be difficult for me to remain faithful to Brian if I’m hanging around with moderately hot single gay guys. So I ignored him. Anyway, I posted my updated pictures, and now he left a comment saying that we should “hang out.” I don’t hang out with people who ignore me when they think I’m not hot. We would have nothing in common anyway. So I will continue to ignore him.
Kevin called me when I was on the phone with my mom. I wonder what he wants, I should give him a call back.
Categories: Ennui
> Tommy Tutone – 857-5309 (Jenny)
> Blondie – Heart of Glass
I’m exhausted. I’ve been sort of hesitant to post today, Brian told me yesterday that he read my blog. He had a bunch of questions about what I wrote, not many of which I could answer. I’m happy to say that he gets it though. I simply can’t stand it when people go insane over some random thing that I write. My mom doesn’t get it. Today she went on here to see my new photos, and she read the thing about me getting tested and gave me this big lecture about safe sex. It wasn’t really a lecture, but she was concerned for nothing. That was the reason I never mentioned it to her because I knew exactly what she would say. She said to me, “You should know what you meant, you wrote it!”
Okay, Mom. I installed a plug-in tonight to find out how many words I’d written since I started this darned thing, and as of now it comes up to 705,412 words. Roughly, that translates to about 22,000 words a month, 730 words a day. Imagine if you had to write 730 words each day about your life. Would you remember every jot and tittle? So mom, chill.
Anyway… Brian said that I had a bunch of grammatical errors. I am so picky about other people’s grammar, but a lot of the time (anything posted after 1 a.m.) I barely skim these before I hit the publish button. Also, with voice-recognition all your errors rhyme with the correct word so it’s incredibly easy to read over mistakes.
So I didn’t go to the party tonight. I just wasn’t in the mood. I was having this infuriating issue with iTunes that took hours of my time and had no resolution. When I add certain music videos to the program, it freezes and I am unable to open it unless I delete the program’s database. It makes absolutely no sense. So next time I connect my iPod, *poof*, all my music videos, gone. I’ve been charging it on the Linux box in the living room today because I want to salvage the situation somehow, but I don’t know where to start.
Speaking of the Linux box in the living room (an old HP Pavilion 1GHz P3), I upgraded it this week to the newest version of Ubuntu, my favorite Linux distribution, and it is an amazing upgrade! The interface is morphing closer and closer to MacOS with every release, so you can see how the operating system would get on my good side. It will never be as slick as OS X, but the file browser windows are very similar and lend themselves to productivity very well. However, software is still near impossible to install, and that’s why I will never consider even setting my system to dual-boot Ubuntu and Windows. I give it a C+. But for things like the Internet and email, it’s ultra-reliable and simple.
Brian called me tonight and we talked for a bit. Apparently his friend that was coming up here and he could’ve gotten a ride with her and we could’ve hung out tonight. Unfortunately, he needed a place to sleep and my house wasn’t exactly suitable. I hate living with my parents.
Today I logged onto Web Advisor, the college’s online service, and it said that I had 45 credits! With these electives I’m taking this semester and my required classes, I will have enough credits to graduate! I’m still little confused as to what I’m doing after that, but I do know I really need to bring up my grade-point average. I failed this one class ages ago, and it’s making my otherwise shining transcript hover just below a 3.0 GPA. :(
I’m feeling really down in the dumps tonight… all I did was watch TV on my iPod while lounging around on my bed. Occasionally I would venture out into the living room and make another sandwich, but that was it. I think I’m moving into the final stage of sloth-hood where I get a laptop and never leave my bed again. And I’m also feeling like crap because I stayed up so late tonight. But it was my own fault. I decided to take the safe route of hours of Family Guy instead of contact with people. But that’s me. I’m an introvert. I just wish my damn machine wouldn’t have decided to give me that esoteric iTunes error. I might have actually gotten something done. Oh, I did go and ride my bike today, it was sunny! Woo! But I was completely out of shape and it wore me out. I hate that feeling after you work out where you realize you aren’t going to be good for anything for the rest of the day.
Brian was looking at my site with his “best friend” Nola (who I will undoubtedly learn to hate, as she will be competing with me for Brian’s time) and they said that I should write more philosophical things because of how well-read I am. I would elaborate on why I don’t do this, but I’m too lazy. The precis is that mundane things are the only things that really matter. Life is meaningless and nothing that we do will ever be remembered, so what’s the point of talking about philosophy when I feel like recapping the top stories of my day? It’s all just a diversion from the reality that we all should just commit suicide, but we all have to live our lies, and my lie is that this blog will live on forever, to be pored over by monks in the fiftieth century. I could even be the founder of a Bokonism-esque religion!
I think that the main reason that I keep this blog is that I have such a poor memory and I feel like every day that I don’t write down what happens is another day that has vanished into the chasm of time. It deeply comforts me to know that I can find out exactly what I was doing two years ago on August 23. Ah, I was over at Kelly’s and we were watching the Guns, God, and Government tour. My other cousin Mike stopped by to drop off a movie, and I was moping about losing my friendship with Mindy.
See? That day would be completely gone if not for my blog. I need those days to be the person that I am. I need to be able to rewind and see how I’m developing as a person. If I don’t get to ground myself by putting my thoughts out on paper I feel like I’m adrift in this never-ending hell of TV shows I’ve watched a million times and then I’m going to be 40 tomorrow with nothing to show for it. I guess I should spend more time reading and less time watching Family Guy reruns on my iPod.
I also spent the day surfing eBay. Next on my list of acquisitions: an M-Audio 88-key USB keyboard (MSRP: $300) and a Wacom Intuos3 USB tablet (MSRP – $320). I found the tablet for $200 and the keyboard for $150, but I will probably be outbid by the time I wake up tomorrow. Speaking of sleep, I should get going on that.
Categories: Ennui
I just spent all night taking MySpace photos and tricking out my MySpace page. Check it out!
Much to talk about, but I’m too tired. Bleh. Minor relationship stuff, I’ll get to it tomorrow.
I violently miss Brian.
:(
Categories: Ennui
> Madonna – Forbidden Love
I’m back from my vacation in the world of self-pity. Even though the classes I registered for aren’t amazing, they will give me college credit and make me feel like I’m not a total loser. While I was waiting for pages tonight I looked at all sorts of cool gadgets on the Internet. My favorite so far is the Sony VAIO T-series notebook. It weighs 2.8 lbs. and has seven-hour battery life. Fucking incredible. Unfortunately, it was $1800. I did see a whole bunch of cool cell phones and such, and the industry is driving towards the product that we will eventually have, the phone/iPod/BlackBerry/pocketPC/PSP with 80GB of flash memory all right in your pocket. That’s the way it’s headed, IMHO. Samsung already has produced an 18GB flash memory chip, and prices are falling dramatically. In 10 years you’ll be able to carry around every book ever written and every movie ever made on a device the size of your cell phone. That is, if we don’t bomb or pollute ourselves back to the Stone Age.
Today I was pondering song lyrics, and how as humans we seem to be obsessed with encoding thoughts (via language or pictures) and transmitting them to others. This must be one of the main reasons why we are the species that can kill all the others on a whim. Something about transmitting information seems important. I’ve always thought that humans as individuals can be equated to cells in a much larger body. I feel that as technology progresses, if all forms of non-instant communication die out, information could pass through the species that the speed of light, making us neurons in a much larger organism. It’s a Catch-22. I like things being faster, but once communication become so hyper-instant that one thought can be disseminated to billions in the blink of an eye, traditional forms of existence and warfare die out. Say, for existence, that everyone wore a small computer display over one’s eye. It would be tied wirelessly into a global, fiber-optic network. Picture World War II… or for that matter even Vietnam, in a world where it is possible to know via satellite images where everything is, all the time, instantly. Warfare would become so much more like a high-stakes video game. Only countries with technology can fight back against such things. This is the reason that we can only attack Third World countries.
I read that China is developing a military program with all the money that we spend at Wal-Mart. I really wouldn’t mind if they took us over. It would be poetic justice. All the lunacy of the Red scares in the fifties, and all the Axis had to do was send us $30 DVD players and they would have won the war. I don’t know what I’m talking about. I guess I just feel like technology is the only thing that I can believe in, the only thing that can possibly release the people from the death grip of corporate media and rich people controlling what everybody thinks.
Marshall McLuhan argued in Understanding Media that the invention of papyrus was the only reason that the Roman Empire was able to consolidate so much power. What if Caesar had discovered the wonders of silicon? if papyrus was the information transmission catalyst for the Roman Empire, what is the geopolitical impact of vast fiber-optic networks transmitting terabytes of data per second? What is the impact of being able to know anything instantly? I just feel like in my lifetime I’m only going to get to watch the first few seconds of Act I for the 12-act play that is the second millenium. Hm. Civilizations rise and fall. America is just the new Rome. I should content myself with that. The human race can never come up with anything that isn’t just an extension of previous animosities and lusts for power. I don’t believe that technology will liberate us from the corporate overlords, but I hope that it will lead to a system of oppression (because there is always oppression) much less painful than the ones in the past.
Ok, I’m done with the random geopolitical/tech rant. Let’s talk about my classes. I registered for
BIO 20, Natural History
CINE 2, Cinema History, Sound to Present
PSYCH 11, Life Span Development
That should keep me busy. I also have been bidding on eBay for a Wacom tablet. I’m hoping that getting one will help me start doing Web design again. Holding a pen is a very natural hand posture, so I think I should be able to excel using one. I found this really cheap one that ends in like 17 hours, but I’m sure I will be outbid by tomorrow morning. The entry-level tablet is $200, and it’s only 4 by 5 in. For my size monitor, they recommended the 6 by 8″ one, and that’s the one I’m bidding on. The tuition for my classes is around $200. Tomorrow I need to go in and see whether I have any financial aid. If not, what the hell. It’s only $200.
I hung out with Kevin for a little bit tonight. All right, I admit it: I broke down and went to the Coffee Corner Cafe. It was terrible. For one, this fat kid from my Econ class who would always bring this cheapo laptop to class was working…he always gone on my nerves. For two, the brunette bimbo taking my order didn’t charge me. She came out to give me my coffee, and when I walked over to the cash register she asked if she could help me. I don’t think she kissed my ass profusely enough for not taking a free coffee. I guess it was my good deed of the day. It would have been my good luck of the day, but luck bores me. Deeds are the only things that matter.
The only people in the joint were these two old ladies. I always suspected they decided to market to old ladies, due to the cutesy alliteration in the new name, and I wasn’t disappointed. the whole place was filled with random knicknacks and crotchet stuff. I don’t want to be reminded of my grandma’s house when I’m drinking coffee. Their chai sucked anyway. I’m not going back of my own volition. We’re staying in the parking lot next time we purloin wi-fi. After about 10 minutes of Web surfing, Kevin had to go to play practice so I dropped him off at his house and went over to the Cinemas to see if I could play some dance revolution. There were a whole bunch of people their playing, and they were all better than me. Not by much, mind you, but still… this one girl there could have totally served me if given the chance. I would be at about their skill level if I would have not stopped playing for those weeks that I was working at the plant. And if my home pad still worked, I would be 10 times better. But I sucked. I wasn’t too bummed about it, because that’s kind of what I was expecting. You don’t practice, you suck. So I played three rounds and went home.
Work at the plant was humdrum. I leafed through old Eureka Reporter newspapers lying around looking for good jobs. I could be a truck driver. Can you guys see that? I think it would be rather fun, but then again, I’ve never driven a semi. There were some positions at the actual paper, but only real jobs for people who already have college degrees. Ick. I really don’t know what I want to do with my life.
I often think about high school and how suicide was never an option because I knew that life would get better once I got out of high school. I wonder what the Darius then would think of me now. I think he would think I was pretty darn cool, having a sweet computer, an iPod, an office job, a loving boyfriend, and a cool website. I wonder. Actually, he would probably think I sold out. Everybody does though, in their own way. I still feel like I’m sort of true to myself even if I don’t wear random crazy hair/clothes like I used to. I guess. Everybody’s inner child has to die sometime, and I successfully build up the wall every Monday and joyfully break it down every Friday and dress up in my most random cool outfits. I met Brian in one of said the outfits. It’s the pinstripe suit. Boys can’t resist it. ;)
OMG!!! I can believe that I forgot to tell you guys about this in all of my self-important ramblings! I got invited to a party that the “in” crowd at my job is having!!! And we’re totally keeping it a secret from the coworker that we don’t like! EEK! I love excluding people! If I wasn’t such a skinny white boy, I would add “bouncer” to my list of dream jobs. But I wouldn’t want to be a bouncer at a club, it would have to be somewhere much cooler. Like an Apple store or something. I can see it now… “Bitch, ain’t none of these iPods gonna fit in your pocket, fatty McFats. You’d better be movin’ along!” *snap snap*
Lol, I’m reaching the 2 a.m. loopy phase. We all know this well. I should probably stop talking before I say anything too embarrassing. But anyway, woohoo! Party! And I’m invited! And I won’t be sitting at home Saturday moping at the guy I love is 80 miles away. That’s scheduled for Sunday.
Must. Sleep. Now.
Categories: Ennui
I’m at work at the plant (filling in for Loree for two days), so no voice-rec…but long story short, I registered for three classes and Brian said that we’d be able to see each other on the 28th. Woot! I must not aggrivate my wrists, so I’m going to sign off while I’m ahead (and not in pain).
Categories: Ennui
I just had a pretty fun night. I went over to Kevin’s house and we packed up his laptop and jumped in my car to go search for unprotected wireless access points so that we could piggyback on other people’s Internet service. Is it illegal? Possibly. Is it fun? Indubitably!
We found SOO many access points (at least six) and we only drove around the main streets. We found this one house in the correctional officer neighborhood that had a moderately good signal, so we parked outside their house and surfed MySpace. It was very fun. We then drove down the main strip on Northcrest and came upon access point after access point, almost all of them unsecured. We will definitely have to do more exploration, but my goal is to make a map of all the unprotected access points in the town. I think it’s a fun project, and if I ever become homeless I will need this information.
The place (so far) that has the best reception is the Econo Lodge, across from Pizza Hut. We got three bars (out of five) of signal there, which was the most that we saw. The one exception was the Hampton Inn, where we got an unprecedented five bars of signal. Unfortunately, the Hampton Inn has this souped up security thing where you can’t access the Internet unless you are checked into the hotel. After our wi-fi hunt got a bit stale, we went and hung out at one of Kevin’s friends’ house. They had this row of five or six computers and they were all playing World of Warcraft. It was really crazy. Family Guy was on TV in the background, and we stayed there until way after we wore out our welcome. They were Kevin’s friends though, so I didn’t feel particularly guilty for the faux pas. After that, we went back to RayJen’s (the most centrally-located wi-fi access point we found), Kevin checked his MySpace messages, and that we went back to his house.
Before I left my house, I told him on the phone that we had to watch Hairspray. I had just rented it and I wanted to watch it that night. So when we got back to his house from the wi-fi hunt, I popped it in. It was WONDERFUL!! I am so in love with John Waters.
Brian called me today (as usual) and we talked for a few minutes. I hate how we can never have any long conversations because he always calls me from work, but I guess that comes with the territory. I missed him terribly today. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I knew exactly when I was going to see him again … this not knowing thing is driving me insane. Tomorrow I’m going to ask him to hammer out when I can come down there next. I just need something to strive for, even if it is two or three weeks in the future.
Speaking of the future, mine seems more uncertain than ever. I keep meaning to go and register for some random class just to do something, but I know that those are already filled up. I also need to talk to Martha about my financial aid status. A few days ago I got up the courage to go over there, but there was someone in Martha’s office. I was going to sit down and wait, but then I saw Throgmorton stride from his office. I didn’t want to talk to that loser, so I snuck out through the student lounge. Sometime during the last semester they removed the boxes that we used to put the Drift in. I hate that place. With the exception of like three or four people, everyone I met there turned out to be total fuckheads. I don’t need the drama, but I do need credits. I need to stop being such an introvert. I’m at this stage in my life where it takes me days and it’s a tremendous ordeal just to remember to go and buy shave gel after work. I feel like a total loser.
I feel like the only way that I’m going to ever pay for college tuition is if one of my relatives die and leave me some money. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I need to either get a second job to save up enough money to leave and commit myself to this Crescent City hell for at least another year…or…just scrape by and do nothing. What am I going to do when my dad kicks me out? I’m never going to finish my college education then. Let it be known to everybody: I hate America. I hate the country in which lazy, stupid fucks like Tawna and Samantha get thousands upon thousands of taxpayer dollars to fritter away on random shit and get Ds and Fs in their classes. WHY, GODS, WHY? I’m smart, I want to learn. I get mostly As and Bs. Is the gravy train (as my mother would call it) only for dirt-poor fuckups? Goddamn!
It’s either work or go to school. I need classes that I can’t get here, so what am I supposed to do? In order to afford rent in a city, I would have to work 24 hours a day. I hate this country. I hate being lower middle class. I hate being white trash. I hate being poor. I hate the future I see for myself where I’m suffocated by the weight of student loans that I will never be able to pay off in my lifetime because of some random thing that screwed me up. I don’t feel like I’m never going to succeed.
I can’t even bring myself to set up a doctor’s appointment to see if I have HIV, I have to drag Kevin along with me to the clinic next monday. I can’t even set up an appointment to get new glasses on my own, let alone singlehandedly finance the insane cost of a state college. On days like this I just want to crawl into a corner and cry.
Mostly I’m just bitter that the video post didn’t work. I spent hours on that thing. My whole life is like that video post…endless amounts of time struggling tediously toward something that I thought would be amazing that turns out to be nothing special and not worth anything. I shouldn’t be writing when I’m in this mood. I’m going to bed. Maybe I’ll be in a better mood tomorrow. I just feel the weight of the future pressing on my back and I have nothing going for me. I’m not registered for any classes, I’m just a Crescent City loser. And that makes me really fucking depressed.
Categories: Ennui