the diary of antoine roquentin

> Sneaker Pimps – Think Harder
>Air – Sexy Boy

A new template!

What do you guys think? Personally, I love this one! It’s more “me” then any of the ones that I’ve used previously. It’s so blue though. But I like blue! I’ve always liked blue.

I guess I want my template to be dark and brooding, but I’m not emo anymore. Now I have to go redesign the whole rest of the site… the thought of it just makes me tired. Unfortunately, you guys on Internet Explorer are not going to see the site for its full glory. Microsoft refuses to support cascading style sheets and other next-generation web standards. It’s the digital equivalent of someone saying “to hell with digital printing, movable type will last forever! Years ago, the language in which web pages were written was standardized as HTML, the hypertext markup language. Now there needs to be new languages supported in order for the Internet to grow, and Microsoft just doesn’t care. That’s kind of their modus operandi right now. If you ask me, their slogan should be “We can’t come up with any new ideas, so we’re going to steal them from Apple or pretend they don’t exist!”

I know, they didn’t steal all of Apple’s ideas, but pretty close. I was reading Microsoft’s page on Windows Vista a week or so ago when I was talking to Joe. If you look over their list of proposed features, all the ones that seem cool are ripped off from Mac OS X. And it’s not like they are really things that can improve productivity or the user interface. They are touting things like their new pretty see-through windows. Okay, you want us to shell out the near-$200 that this upgrade will probably cost, to make the OS “pretty?” Couldn’t you guys have done that the first time around?

I think Microsoft is just beginning to realize how ignorant the average American is. Vista is nothing new. It’s a glossy version of Windows 95. For $200. I’m just really fucking pissed that these companies, with their indomitable resources, can’t devote themselves to turning computers into something other than a glorified filing cabinet. *keyboard smash of exasperation* And I’m the only one that cares.

Okay, I’m done ranting. I just finished talking to my friend Phoenix Wang from China! We talked on Skype for an hour or so, but now I’m exhausted and it’s time for bed.

It makes me sad that I don’t know when I’m going to see Brian again. He says he’s going to be doing inventory this weekend until all hours of the night. I hope it’s only a two-week hiatus. I need him in my life.

Categories: Ennui

I’m hanging out at Kevin’s house. He’s playing some music and we’re hanging out with one of his friends and her date.

I’m really sad that I had to leave Brian. I drew strength from Amanda’s hardcore devotion to Kris despite not seeing him for months, but I just read that they broke up! I was really surprised, but I shouldn’t be…I always felt like he didn’t appreciate her for the person she is.

It’s a holiday so the clinic is closed. Yet another week of not knowing whether I’m going to die. I’m bored. I don’t want to go home, my dad is back from his job. I came home this morning and he was asleep on the couch. It was odd…he has a bed and all. The couch? Weird. He sounded very sick when he talked. To tell the truth, I was looking forward to another week of having the place to myself. :(

I’m hungry. I should go home and make myself a congratulatory sandwich for leaving my Brian and being all emo about it.

Oh! My baby cut my hair! It’s so sexy! I’m going to post new MySpace pics today.

Categories: Ennui

Jon is not cool enough to like Stargate SG-1.

Categories: Ennui

So it turns out that I’m not going down to Eureka tomorrow at all. Brian’s roommate is back from her vacation and he’s going to be working the whole time until Sunday (but he gets the whole day off that day!). So I’m coming down Saturday evening. Well, that was the original plan…and then I talked to Jon. no idea what it is. I might go over there on Saturday and see what’s up with it. We talked for a while, and I actually respect him a lot more now. Instead of being satisfied with living in his trailer and working at Target, he realizes that Humboldt County is pathetic and full of stupid annoying people. He’s going to move to Hawaii next year. While this seems to me more like a quest to find Shell Beach than anything, I really respect him for rejecting the status quo. Anyway, I’m not really sure whether it’s a good idea to see him as I’ve always wanted to this finish what we started one high school afternoon… but I’m hoping to meet him at Starbucks, quickly remember why I can’t stand him, and then go to the mall and play dance revolution until Brian gets off work. Also, that guy Thomas from Brookings messaged me today. Why is it that when you meet someone that you think you might be able to have a relationship with, a million people show up and want to have sex with you? Damn world.

Speaking of sex, Brian has been such a saint about it. We didn’t do anything sexual last time I was down there, but as much as I loved the cuddling, I need something more. I’m going to have a talk with him this weekend. Are we in a monogamous sexual relationship, or are we just cuddle buddies? Last weekend he told me that with people he really likes he doesn’t want to have sex with them. This really sounds like bullshit, but he is an incredible guy and I will give him the benefit of the doubt. I just feel guilty having sexual fantasies about other guys when I’m supposed to be in a relationship with him. I want to think about all the hot, loving things that we did together instead of trying to mentally piece together some half-forgotten 1998 blowjob.

Speaking of things that make me all hot and sweaty, I have been obsessed with playing dance revolution tonight. I even played the computer version for like 45 minutes until my wrists gave out. I really want one of those $300 Cobalt Flux dance pads. But they are $300. I’m faced with the age-old quandary: buy myself toys and don’t leave Crescent City, or live with no entertainment working 24 hours a day in another city. I need to write a resume. I don’t even know where to get started. I guess I should start listing all the things I want to put on it. Fuck. I think I’m going to apply at Target. I want a mindless repetitive job. Let me rephrase that—I want another mindless, repetitive job. Fuck the Trip. I’m getting out of here.

Today I set up an appointment to get my teeth cleaned, and tomorrow I’m going in to see about the cost of getting some new glasses. My vision is getting horrible. And with all this driving, I need every last pixel of resolution to prevent me from getting into accidents.

My dad came home today from his incredibly stressful 12-hour-a-day job in Blue Lake. He’s leaving to go back in the morning. Apparently he has some sort of body lice. If I get it, I’m going to cry. I just spent last week washing every single one of my myriad comforters. It would kill me to do that all over again. I barely left my room today after he told me that. He approved of my housekeeping in his absence though. Luckily, I had just done the dishes when his girlfriend came over to tell me that he was going to be making an appearance. Yesterday I went outside to talk to her as she was feeding the horses and told her all about Brian and Panda and my plans to move. She’s really cool. My dad totally doesn’t deserve her.

Let’s see… what else? My mom had a really bad day at work, and she also decided not to meet this guy that she had only known for about a week from the Internet. Remember, the one that was named Brian? Anyway, she sent me the picture that she uses on her personals site. It’s not bad.

I can’t believe my mom is fifty. Anyway, she also told me that my grandma has this wicked cold which seems to have the same symptoms as the one I have. I’m losing my voice, and my recognition is definitely suffering. Oh well.

Short-term goals:
Get new glasses
Get teeth cleaned
Get wisdom teeth pulled
Get tested

Longer-term goals:
Move to Eureka
Finish my A.A.

Oh yeah, the testing thing. The clinic in Crescent City is only open like 1-4 p.m. on Mondays, and I was going to go this week but half the people in Crescent City died the weekend before and I had to write a bunch of obits. Next week I am totally going to make it. Also, for my personal future reference, my cleaning appointment is Tuesday, January 24 at 5:20 p.m.

I really should get to sleep. I was counting on going to Eureka tomorrow, but now my whole plan is destroyed. What shall I do with myself? Um…I think I’ll call Amanda right after she gets off work. Sounds like a plan.

PS: I talked with Joe on Skype for about 45 minutes, it was really cool to talk to him again! Unfortunately, my mother called with some urgent quandary and I had to bid him farewell.

Categories: Ennui

> Silence – Larmes

I’m thirsty, I have a headache, and I have no idea what I did today.

I vaguely remember making tacos and watching the Daily Show. I remember arguing with my mom about me deciding to move to Eureka. I remember laughing until I coughed my brains out watching the Colbert Report. I remember downloading some French ambient electronica, as I’m listening to it right now. I remember telling my dad’s girlfriend about Brian.

Everything is obscured by this haze. Maybe if I get more sleep it will go away. I read more on Ubik, not much else has happened. I searched for some jobs online, but didn’t find anything too promising. I’m getting sick. I’m feeling ineffectual, poor and depressed.

My dad is going to be gone for two weeks.

I don’t know if I can manage.

I feel so alone here.

I hung out with Kevin yesterday, but it still feels like I haven’t left the house in months. My mom is right. I’m completely unprepared to move to Eureka. If I go job shopping, I’m going to have to put my current job on the application because it’s the only one I’ve ever had. Did I mention I’m in a terrible mood? I haven’t been eating right and I’m sick… it doesn’t make for the most scintillating posts.

Well I’m going to get to bed before I fall asleep.

Categories: Ennui