The Diary of Antoine Roquentin

> Muse – Time is Running Out
> Depeche Mode – Nothing’s Impossible
> Mylo – Paris Four Hundred

I still haven’t recovered from my vacation. That would involve sleeping in, and I don’t think I’m going to get to do that until next weekend. I want to talk about the Royce thing, but I’m so tired that I think I’m going to have to take a nap instead. I’m just going to leave the condensed version.

I was supposed to hang out with Thomas, but he didn’t call or sign on.

Royce called me and asked if I wanted to hang out, so I went to pick him up.

We got some coffee, and then we headed over to Kevin’s because we couldn’t think of anything to do.

Kevin kept trying to instigate an orgy with this other “bisexual” guy that was over (one of those fucks who says they’re bi for attention). We I turned off the lights, hands started going places… the “bisexual” guy got freaked out, so Kevin escorted him into the other room. Me and Royce, however, had a bit of fun in the living room :). It was so funny, one of Kevin’s roommates went to come into the living room and we were totally fucking! It was SOOO funny. And then afterward Royce was all “while you might as well finish.” I think that was probably a 9.0 on the faux pas Richter scale, but it just made me crack up.

As you may know, Royce is supposedly engaged to be “married” to that abusive, crazy Edwin guy that is in jail. Apparently Edwin has been writing Royce these crazed letters saying all sorts of contradictions… that he’s not sure about marriage or something. But it’s difficult to tell what is going on because Edwin is in this treatment facility and they are doing all this stuff to mess with him. It felt quite taboo doing it with someone with a ring on their finger…but Edwin is a total loser jerk and doesn’t deserve Royce. I don’t know. Was that wrong?

“Are you sure about this?” I asked.
“Not really,” he replied.
“Well do you want to do it?”
“Yes.”

And that was it.

So basically that Edwin guy is going to totally freak out and kill me if he finds out. Or something like that. I’m such a pacifist, but people like him make me want to own a gun. Anyway, I guess I feel sort of guilty that I destroyed their relationship… but it wasn’t me. It’s not like he tripped and fell on my dick. Sometimes I hate being such a libertine. My lifestyle makes sense to me, but is this all my life is going to be like?

He wouldn’t kiss me. He said he doesn’t like to kiss, but I think it was something else. Sex is not intimate. Kissing is. Still, I didn’t feel that weird teenage obsession thing once we were done. I didn’t feel it about Jon either. Does this mean that I am now beyond feeling anything but lust for people? Or that I’m just mature? I’m not sure if I like it. I like the quixotic, passionate Darius. :(

As much as I love the novel The Stranger, Meursault’s life is boring. So is Antoine Roquentin’s. Is the point of life to get sucked into quarrels about who is having sex with whom? I feel like that is the only conclusion my life can come to. Living in San Francisco, eating breathing and sleeping the drama. I want to find a completely different way to live. But I don’t know whether it exists. (in Sutter Cane voice) “You haven’t read it yet..” :)

I miss you Kelly! Come save me from my hell!

Speaking of hell, I was at work for probably six hours today. In addition to all the extra work I have to do on Fridays, my boss wanted me to make two graphics. I was actually in love with doing the graphics (imagine this: getting paid to listen to music and draw), until the program that I use (Adobe Illustrator) started crashing every five minutes. I had finished the first graphic and was just about to put the finishing touches on it, when Illustrator crashed and I had to redesign the whole thing from scratch. That really annoyed me. But I got paid today and it was a very substantial sum. Enough to get the Mac with two processors. And maybe even the RAM upgrade! Woot.

OK, I must admit: I have been running benchmarking software on my Mac at work to see how they compare to the one that I will be getting. According to the results I got, my new computer will be four times faster than my 400MHz G4 at work. However, when I use the 1.8GHz G5 (oddly the same model as Kelly’s computer) it is ridiculously slow, and it has buttloads of RAM. I want an iMac, they are smokingly fast, but also out of my price range. Well, we’ll see what my computer goes for on eBay.

Should I have resisted my temptation to fool around with Royce? I’m so brainwashed into that whole Doom Generation philosophy that guilt should be reserved for married old people. But try and explain that to people like Christen. I hope she’s doing OK. I should leave her a comment. But what can you say? “Sorry you broke up with your boyfriend?” Eh…maybe not. I had eaten like five squares of this delicious lasagna that my dad’s girlfriend made and I’m about to go back for some more. I need to get another shirt made, like my “nihilist” one. I need one that says “HEDONIST.”

Ok, it’s nap time now.

I just feel like such an animal lately. It’s repulsive.