Categories: Ennui
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About Me
I'm a twenty-something writer and web designer based in the New York City area. In my diary you'll find fiction, nonfiction, essays, diatribes, fantasies, harangues and polemics. -
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Monthly Archives: March 2006
w00t. 1
I’m not in a bad mood. I’m going to see Kelly in less than 48 hours!
Misty called me at like 4:30 a.m. last night, we had a good talk. I think we’ll hang out today. It’s odd to say, but I really miss her.
Categories: Ennui
A FUCKING REPUBLICAN. 0
> Marilyn Manson – Use Your Fist and Not Your Mouth
OMFG. OMFG. OMFG. OMFG. OMFG.
I had a bit of a talk with one of Brian’s coworkers.
Fun fact #1: Brian has a new boyfriend. The guy is 26, a math professor at HSU, and a big right-wing Republican.
Fun fact #2: Brian has a bachelor’s degree in Philosophy. He’s working on his Master’s. He told me he only had an A.A.
Fun fact #3: He supposedly did a psychological test on me and thought my maturity was inferior to his.
What the fuck.
And I wonder that I have issues relating to other people? What a motherfucking liar, reading my most intimate thoughts on my blog and putting up this big façade of being uneducated. What the FUCK? This makes me angrier than anything.
I’m glad I broke up with the fucker at least.
It makes me feel sick to think that people will just lie all the time.
What a naïve idiot I am.
This is why I never leave my house. FUCK.
*queues up my angry music playlist on iTunes*
At least I broke up with the fucker when I did.
You know what really irks me? That “maturity” thing. Okay, I’m immature? If maturity means being cruel and lying to people, I’m glad I’m not fucking mature.
I can still see the moment I realized that he was a shit. He was walking around my room and sort of giggling at everything…my art, my LPs, my computer…everything that I am. *keyboard smash of exasperation*
I think I need to listen to The Golden Age of Grotesque at extreme volume levels on my iPod.
NOW.
Categories: Ennui
No one gets hurt, no never, nobody dies. 0
> Garbage – Metal Heart
> Garbage – Bleed Like Me
> Team Sleep – Ever (Foreign Flag)
I could have done that test in my sleep. I really didn’t write much on the essay part, but she said to write it on the back of the test. I have incredibly big handwriting, so I just wrote until I filled the back page. True, that was only about seven sentences, but still. I know my shit. At least that should come through.
On the drive home a song from Garbage’s Bleed Like Me album came on, and it got me in a very nostalgic mood. I associate whatever relationship I’m having with whatever album I’m listening to at the time. Brian is inextricably linked with Madonna’s Confessions on a Dance Floor, which I still can’t listen to. Taggart was The Golden Age of Grotesque.
Ripley was Bleed Like Me. Every time I hear one of those songs I can’t help but think of him, “Bleed Like Me” especially. I can still remember his beautiful scars. I always want to “fix” people and make them happy again… but I don’t know how to do that when my own description of happiness is elusive. I hate missing people.
On a similar line of thought, I was meditating on one of my favorite movies, David Lynch’s Nadja. In some ways this is the most depressing movie I have seen. It’s not depressing in the way that you cry at the end, it’s depressing in a deeper existential way. In the film she talks about “dredging up the primary pain” in order to free yourself. But after you have been hurt by so many people, what is the primary pain?
I feel like my subconscious is becoming a museum with exhibits of all the people that I have known. What does this say about me though?
What does my existence mean?
Is it meeting new people just to abandon them six months later? With every new person I meet, I’m less inclined to make new friends. Joe is a good example. We had so many great times, but now with him living in Portland and our contact reduced to monthly Skype calls, I feel that all of our conversations were in vain and that he’s found a new best friend in this random guy he talks about hanging out with. I’m not bitter at him for making friends, but looking back — what was the point? Should I have just stayed at home whenever he called? I suppose this is all a bit selfish. I should stop being a misanthrope and give Amanda a call when I get back from Sac.
Don’t ask me how I did this, but somehow I pulled a muscle in my leg by doing nothing other than sitting at my desk. Who knew that it was possible for laziness to generate injuries? Weird.
I just feel like I’m in a fog. Days spent in the newsroom full of strangers, nights spent in my dark room with only my monitor on. It really doesn’t help the whole sanity factor. I fixed the new guy’s email today, and I couldn’t explain it to him when he idly asked what was wrong. It’s difficult to explain tech problems do someone who you don’t know their level of expertise. When the tech guy from our other office called I was all “Yeah, the SMTP authentication wasn’t turned on” and he knew exactly what I meant. The new reporter probably thought I was being cryptic. I hate tech people that are cryptic around people with different levels of expertise. I don’t remember who I was talking to about this…I think it was Joe…but people are just so damn weird talking about technology. I remember I was talking with Kevin’s brother one time that we went to the bowling alley; I was trying to explain that I liked Mac OS because you can have the programs they use often (for example, your email client and music player) open all the time without having the window visible. He put this really weird expression on his face, one suited for discussing the arcane and esoteric secrets of technology. What came out of his mouth was slightly different. “Do you know about the power of the Task Manager?”
Um. I’ve been hitting CTRL+ALT+DEL since my 286MHz Packard Bell. And I’m talking about something totally different. He also had this really odd argument about how he liked PCs more than Macs because things were more difficult to do on PCs and he liked things to be harder. Eh, whatever floats your boat, I guess. But it just goes to show you…talking about something as incredibly multifaceted as technology is impossible unless both people are familiar with the operating systems, protocols, and terminology being discussed. And I had no idea how to explain Ty’s email problem to him without being patronizing.
So I just told him what I told the tech guy. SMTP authentication wasn’t enabled. I guess I just have to accept the fact that part of being a geek is being esoteric.
Anyway, I think I’m going to the iPod into the TV and watch Rocketboom. Ah, Amanda Congdon. How you amuse and entertain me. Speaking of Rocketboom, they had their first ad ever this Monday. True, it was this harmless thing from an ATM company, but still. Corporations = bad. I hope they don’t sell out, they are one of my favorite video podcasts.
Categories: Ennui
Excessive sleep and the malaise of unsatisfiable tech lust. 0
> Mylo – Destroy Rock & Roll
> Richard Bartz – Shake Shake Sexolette
I slept for 12 hours last night. I’m enjoying a strange state of complete lucidity today. And I must admit I’m really bored. I have to wait seven damn days for eBay to refund my money. I guess I should be totally excited that I’m going to Sacramento, but I really won’t be able to convince myself that this dream I have had for so long is actually real. My subconscious is all “WTF? Sacramento? Are you high?” But I’m not high. I’m actually going to have fun. *gasp!*
I guess I could go to the trouble of creating a HFS+ (the Mac file system) partition on my external drive and then use my virtual machine to make my e-mail client and Web browser run off of it, but that would involve effort. A lot of effort. And what do I need my files for anyway? Fun does not require anything other than the MP3s I have on my iPod.
I’m not looking forward to class tonight, even though we are having a test that I’m going to ace. I think most of my lukewarm mood today is that I’m angry I don’t have a cool computer to take with me on my trip. Oh well. I can’t seem to find any comparison online between the Pentium processor line and the Core line which is in the new Mac Minis.
I think I might do my own benchmarking of my system and then run the same tests on machines in the Apple store. Hmm. Nah. There’s no point. But I will definitely go there and just check out how responsive the machine is overall. There is no benchmark for sitting down at a system and going “wow… this is ridiculously fast.”
Hm. It’s time to go to class.
Categories: Ennui
Deus. 2
Me and Kelly’s team fiction blog has officially started.
I need to find a better theme for it, but I haven’t run across anything that screamed “perfect” yet.
Also, me and Sara were really bad in Cinema tonight. We just kept talking while Tom was lecturing. I know it was incredibly rude, but I just couldn’t help myself. Hello, when do I get to talk to smart people? We are totally going to do a smart people movie night. Sara’s tales of the giant television haunt my dreams. I want to fill it with wonderful movies like M and The City of Lost Children.
Okay, I need to go to sleep.
Now.
Categories: Ennui
Notes from Cinema class. 0
“I should wear a T-shirt to this class that says “Wake me when you shut up.”
“I was fisting a dead girl!”
“I need to cast my leg so that I can make a rubber one and cut it off!”
Categories: Ennui