> Lacquer - Behind
> M.I.A. - Amazon
> Nine Inch Nails - The Frail (live)
> Peaches - Lovertits
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about getting old. I have been riding my bike a lot since my car died, and I usually hang around the college. Since it’s right across the street from the high school, I see a lot of high schoolers. On one hand, I jump for joy that I’m not in high school anymore. On the other hand, I’m not innocent like that anymore. I will probably never again have a mohawk. I will never again be able to shave half my head because I feel like it. I will no longer be able to wear combat boots with pajamas. It’s not that I can’t, but I’m over all that angst stuff. I wasted about two hours on Friday hanging out in the student lounge and watching the high school students come in to buy stuff out of the vending machines.
I was ostensibly talking with Amy, an acquaintance from my photography class ages ago, but really I was puzzled by the fact that I wasn’t a high school student anymore. I saw the cutest guy in this military-green blazer over a t-shirt. I felt so unstylish and old. I would never have been able to cook up that outfit at 17, and I’m even less able at 20 with my $30 in the bank account. I don’t know… I just feel like a never grew out of the person I was in high school. I used to like my frustration during those years forged the person that I am now, but I’m not so sure now. It just feels weird to me that I can’t identify with teenagers anymore. I’m in my early twenties. Criminy, that sounds so weird! I guess I just need to get use to being…old? Hm.
I’m feeling nostalgic for all the wonderful conversations I had with Joe, the incredible Drift field trips with Molly, the amazing nights of tag at KidTown at 2 a.m. with Misty and Selena… I just wish I could go back and relive it all. I’m sure I’ve said this a million times, but one of my favorite moments in the universe was that last night that we all played tag. We finally had enough people so that it was fun and we didn’t get exhausted. Misty and Selena and everybody was there, there was no drama, I had just started falling for Ripley, he was there too…I felt perfectly at peace. A lover, friends that respected me and knew how to have fun…I had it all. But look how it all ended. Stagnation is never a good thing, but everybody moved on. Molly moved to Chico, Selena got married to Josh Coop (a grade-school bully of mine), Misty is living with a boyfriend and we never see each other, and Joe moved to Portland.
It’s endlessly selfish of me, but I want to erase everybody’s memory and have one last amazing road trip…but that will never happen. And even if it did, I would still be in this mood after a year went by. I hope my dad really does kick me out. Kelly is pretty much the most important person in my personal universe, so living together would be SO cool!!! It would be like one of our endless Mountain Dew-fueled Crash Bandicoot all-nighters when we were kids! Except it would never end! I remember every Christmas we always would plan to catch Grammie coming out and setting out the presents from Santa but we would always fall asleep. It was so fun. And that one time that we tried to steal the soda from underneath Grammie’s bed while she was asleep! And the Schweppes! EEK!
I guess I’ve had a wonderful life. I shouldn’t complain about a lull in the fun and the friends. It will definitely pick up.
And you can’t appreciate the good times unless you’ve truly been bored.
OMG! I belive that was THE MOST INTELECTUAL thing I’ve EVER hear come from you. I am happy to see that you are growing as a person and as an ADULT, not OLD. Anyways, you should stop by after work if you get this BEFORE you go home. Talk to you later.