The Diary of Antoine Roquentin

Today was very exhausting.

I packed all day long, but I must say that I am winning the war on clutter. I think I’m going to have about five boxes total, plus my computer monitor, record player, keyboard, bookshelf, and disassembled computer desk. OK, so maybe it’s going to be a tight fit. But worst-case scenario I can always UPS stuff that doesn’t fit. I doubt I will have to resort to that though.

Christ. I can’t believe I’m on dial-up. It’s so barbaric!

I went up in the loft today and got out all my childhood possessions, and after an hour I had it whittled down to one box of essentials. The boxes were filled with a bunch of old junk, mostly puzzles.

I called Grammie today and she said she was going to have some keys made for me, and that she was going to clear a spot for my computer desk. I also had a little talk with my coworkers about me leaving. My dad keeps asking where I’m going to be staying. Quite frankly, it’s none of his goddamn business where I stay. And I think my grandma is lying to me about how often she talks to my dad. She said he calls her every week or so…but it’s been at least two since I first called her, and my dad doesn’t seem to know that I plan to move in there. Not that it’s any of his business.

Well, soon this week will be over, and I have no idea what I’m going to do all weekend without the Internet. I now pretty much have everything packed, I just have to ship two boxes to my mom.

I’m already registered and everything for ARC (I got a “welcome” letter last week), all I need to do is take the placement test, give them a transcript from my old college (which won’t be ready for another week or so), and then register for classes.

This dial-up is ridiculously slow, and I probably won’t stop complaining about it until I leave. I’m not sure what to do, I’m going to be in purgatory for these last ten days. I think I need to watch more Aqua Teen Hungerforce and distance myself from this situation.

Well, at least I can blog via dial-up. Thank the gods for small mercies.

This afternoon it was actually sunny so I went out and rode my bike around the neighborhood. Of course, the week before I leave we get the most beautiful weather of the year. It seemed so odd to be riding around in the sunlit countryside listening to With Teeth. Everything just looked like a beautiful illusion. I had to repeat to my mantra, “it will all be destroyed.” Houses will be built on that beautiful forested mountain range. All these fields will be abandoned, stripped of nutrients from unsustainable agricultural practices.

I don’t know why the image of destruction comforts me so much. Many people are deathly afraid of not being remembered 1,000 years from now. I’m the complete opposite. I know that no one will give me a second thought in 1,000 years, and that everything I have ever seen will be destroyed. That is the only true freedom. In that box of stuff from my childhood, I found a tourist brochure that I got from the World Trade Center. It is the oddest thing…I have pictures of myself up on the roof of the WTC. We would go up there almost every year.

Nothing lasts forever.

America will crumble as a world power.

You will not be remembered in 1,000 years.

The first step in living an honest life is admitting this.