the diary of antoine roquentin

Today I found out who is my replacement at my job. It was the exact same person that I suspected, a girl who had covered for me when I was on vacation. I’m going to spend the week before I leave training her (which isn’t too demanding, and is often time-consuming). I was sitting there trying to overhear their meeting, imagining the worst things he could say about me.

My boss always starts his sentences with “You know, it’s just one of those things where…” and I by default inserted all the things that are bad about my work. I’m such a pessimist, and I have little confidence in my abilities. Unfortunately, appearing to be skillful is more important than actually being a good worker in the job market…and I have to remake my mold. I must plastic-surgery my personality to be affable, confident, and gregarious at all times. I need to remake myself into who I would cast for a public relations video about my life.

I’m hoping to net enough money to set up cell phone when I get down there. It will be imperative to always be available if I’m looking for jobs. I’m also considering getting high-speed Internet at Grammie’s house. I’m not sure though… I know if the Internet isn’t there I’m rarely going to be home, and I don’t want her to throw my stuff away. Let’s see…moving expenses:

Phone for cell plan: $100
First month of cell plan: $40 (mom might help with half of this)
Car Insurance – $90
Grammie Internet – $30-ish?
Gas – who knows…$60ish?

I’d better find a job by the time my car insurance runs out…

I’m not too worried though. I have a solid work history, and all that good stuff. I do need to write a resume though. My mom was talking to me about it, and I must admit I was daunted by the whole process. She said it took her six months to write her resume. I definitely need to write one before I leave this town. In Sacramento there will be too many distractions and I won’t be able to get anything of this magnitude done for a while. I think that the first step should be for me to write out a list of my qualifications and expertise. That seems like a wonderful task to put off till tomorrow.

I never thought of this before, but I’m going to be living a much more mobile lifestyle down there than here. I want an iMac, but I might be forced to get a laptop anyway. Hmm…time will tell. Step one is getting the job to get the money to get the new computer. I must admit, after this memory upgrade I just don’t know what I would do with a faster computer. I love this point in computer ownership, which I lovingly refer to as the “honeymoon phase,” where your computer is faster than any machine you’ve ever used and still has that hexavalent chromium-laced new computer smell. The main reasons I would upgrade now are:

1) I hate my huge CRT monitor that takes up almost my entire desk
2) the Mac Mini doesn’t come with a webcam, all the other models do
3) I would like a desktop computer because they use larger capacity hard drives

Other than that I’m perfectly contented with my Mac, this wonderful feat of engineering that I get to use on a daily basis.

Did I mention that Joe recommended this wonderful book called The Dilbert Principle by Scott Adams (the creator of Dilbert)?

Well I got it today and I’m about halfway through it, and Scott Adams is a total genius! Think of every Kafkaesque work-related situation you can imagine, and it’s covered in this book. I’m in love. Thanks Joe! And I got it on eBay for five dollars. Can’t beat that with a stick.

The wonderful side effect of buying that book was that I was able to pass off to my dad that the package with the memory in it ($130) was another book, furthering my façade of being penniless. And for all intents and purposes it’s not really a façade, without my mother’s generous contributions (Thanks Mom!) I would be in debtor’s prison.

Speaking of debt, I got my first credit card last month (as you may know). No, I didn’t go crazy with it, I just started charging my big-ticket tech purchases (my scanner, iPod dock, and RAM so far) on it instead of using my debit card. I mostly use it because my bank charges me outrageous overdraft fees, and it is always for some paltry sum like five dollars. (I’m only staying with my current bank so as to recoup the money they stole from me in overdraft fees…I think that’s their marketing strategy.)

The odd thing is, I got a letter in the mail saying that my credit card company would increase my credit line to $750 if I made all my payments on time and didn’t go over the maximum credit line. I know that this is all an attempt by big business to make it so you are in debt up to your eyeballs by the time you are 25 (and thanks to the new bankruptcy laws ushered in by the Bush administration, you can’t declare bankruptcy any more. Woohoo indentured servitude!) Anyway, even from high school I had plans to say no to the whole concept of credit (this went somewhat along the lines of me saying no to the concept of the automobile as a necessary modern convenience). I wanted to be better than Misty, who when she got her first credit card (from the same company as mine), filled her card all the way to the limit on the first day she had it.

I want to say I’m better than them… that if Capital One gave me a $2000 credit line I wouldn’t just buy a MacBook Pro and say “to hell with the consequences.” But I feel like it’s already happened, like that was a brick in the road to financial hell I passed weeks ago. True, my net worth is still vaguely in the positive, but instead of being truly broke I now have the illusion of money. I have $200 in my bank account, which is incredibly misleading because I have around $150 on my credit card for this month. I don’t know… I just feel like I don’t have any self-control. If my credit line was increased to $1,500 would I buy an iMac?

I guess I’m writing these things to banish them from my mind. Deep down, I’m an orphan. I’ve been one for years. And at this juncture in my life I MUST be successful. This is crunch time, and I’m afraid my incessant tech lust is going to destroy me.

Oh well.

11 days left.

I’d better get my shit together.

Categories: Ennui

Oh my God.

I just installed my new 1GB memory module, and my system SCREAMS! It is ridiculously fast now. I’m running windows and OS X at the same time, and there is no performance hit even with all my normal programs open! I will finally be able to blog to my heart’s content!

I always underestimate my technical skills, but opening up my Mac just involved some fiddling with a putty knife, four screws, and that was it. I am in love with my computer now. Programs launch near-instantly, and I can have them all open at once if I wish. Memory is the shiznite for Macs.

And I can finally take advantage of my dual core processor running a whole bunch of applications simultaneously! OK, I must stop using the exclamation mark. EEK! I’m going to go play now on my speed demon.

Categories: Ennui

“He’s got those sausage fingers…and you wouldn’t believe how fast they can move!” — My Mom (about this guitar player)

Categories: Ennui

Ha!

This teacher that failed me in Biology because I refused to do her endless busy work (I got a B on the final) called me today at work. She was pleading to talk to my boss. I just wanted to laugh at her and say “Oh, who’s got the upper hand now, bitch!” But I didn’t.

I hate how I can never get the revenge I need.

Oh wait, that wasn’t her.

Good, I’m glad I didn’t do that…I would have looked like an idiot…er…more than I already do. I can only stop at home for a little bit before I have to go up to the plant. Mmm…money.

My memory is still in Iowa. I wanted it to come this weekend so my dad wouldn’t see it show up. I’m going to lie and say it’s an audio splitter or something. But I’m going to have to either do the computer surgery (where I will add the RAM) in my room (impossible, I don’t have enough light or a big enough table), or I will have to admit that it wasn’t an audio splitter and do the operation in the well-lit, spacious living room table. Eh, heck. I’ll just do it at night after he goes to bed.

I’m kind of mildly depressed that I’m at work on a Friday night and not out doing stuff…but there is nothing to do in Crescent City. And at least I have something to do. Without my job, my life would sink into a revolting haze where I have no schedule and sleep one hour later every day…

The weather is terrible today. It’s that pea-soup rain/fog/water crap that I absolutely can’t stand. It’s like being in the middle of a blizzard…but instead of clean white snow it’s this endless wet, polluted fograin. Crescent City needs to just be destroyed. We need to just tear down all our houses, make them into boats, paddle out into the ocean, then use tactical nuclear missiles to make sure no one can ever inhabit this place again.

I absolutely can’t wait to leave this place.

Burn it to the ground.

Please.

Categories: Ennui

You know you’re a DDR addict when you consider wearing briefs instead of boxer briefs because you think you might be able to dance a bit faster.

I really want to go and dance, but I’m having so much fun dancing to Madonna.

She is my god.

Categories: Ennui