The Diary of Antoine Roquentin

> Sneaker Pimps – Low Five
> New Order – True Faith
> ATB – Ecstasy (I always listen to this one when I’m thinking of Adrian)
> Massive Attack – Risingson (this is right now my favorite song)
> Orbital – Lost
> Depeche Mode – Suffer Well
> Cardigans – Erase / Rewind
> Antonio Vivaldi – Concerto In F Minor, `winter`, Rv 297- III – Allegro

I had a wonderful time last night. Me and Adrian carried the Mac Mini out to this little building near the pool out behind his house and we watched Babylon 5 well into the morning. We fell asleep out there on a makeshift mattress.

I had the oddest dreams. In one, I was rocking out to Oakenfold as me and Adrian and a few other people were flying around on this mass transit device that looked like a flying seat on an amusement park ride.

I did, however, have one unsettling dream. In it, I was kissing a guy. I don’t know who they were supposed to be…he looked vaguely like Patrick (who, I heard from Kelly, stopped talking to me years ago because I made fun of the fact that his boyfriend was Catholic? I so don’t remember that). Anyway, I was making out with this guy and I kept pushing him away saying “This is wrong. This is wrong. I already have someone.” But for the life of me I couldn’t remember who it was that I felt so deeply for. It was terrible mostly because Adrian told me a few days ago that he thinks I’m going to cheat on him. I must admit, I am quite lascivious. But come on. Adrian is the first guy I’ve ever met that I felt proud to be with. I want to introduce him to everyone I know, to tell everyone how I feel like I’ve never met anyone remotely like him. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. That dream was terrible. It was a dream of the end of everything…where I couldn’t even remember what it felt like to be with him. I hate my memory. Right now I can still feel him. I can feel his kiss goodbye, picture his smile and his laugh and his dimples and his “get me my coaaaaaa@t!” and his “there will be none of this” and his “penny for your thoughts” and all the faces he makes, but in a few days it’ll all seem darker. I won’t be able to picture him…by the third day I’ll have to look at his pics on my Flickr account and iChat A/V with him to remember his voice. That dream scared me. A day when I won’t remember what it felt like to hold him? That would make me quite melancholy.

Sorry for that downer, but I had to write about it. Can’t let things fester. I just love being around him…he’s funny, sexy, and quite cuddly. His ex Victor called when we were indisposed, and I felt this pang of…I’m not sure what it was…that I would be on his caller ID in a similar situation. I shouldn’t think about such things.

Is it shortsighted to just pay attention to how I feel right now? I’m not quite sure. But there is one thing I am sure of: I love hanging out with him, and no matter if it hurts, I still want to be his friend if we do go our separate ways. I just…can’t imagine not being able to be with him. Kelly was telling me that when she hangs out with Dan (her old boyfriend…they went out for two years or so) she has the instinct to reach over and hold his hand. I hate those kinds of things…the subconsious things you used to do together. I know I would get the impulse to do something like that, and the realization would shoot through me. No. It’s over.

Am I just being gloomy? It’s just that I’m extremely happy right now, and a situation where I’m not this happy fills me with dread. The auto repair place they took my car to yesterday was right down the street from the Hagen’s Orange Freeze where Taggart dumped me. People were sitting on the benches, happily munching down on junk food. I wanted to run across the street and scream “GET AWAY! No one can ever be happy on this spot ever!” It was quite childish, but I felt it anyway.

I feel exactly what Kelly felt when she wanted to make a list of all the things that reminded her of Justin and burn them. Sacramento is littered with wisps of meaning that remind me of Adrian now. Weeks ago, when me and Katie went to the club and I left a voicemail to invite him, I kept looking through the crowd, hoping they would part and there he would be. I compared it to the omnipresence of Vaughn in J.G. Ballard’s novel Crash. He is the city…the endless motorways and feeder roads around London Airport. He was the god of the city and everything that took place he seemed to have a hand in, always in the background. In that moment I felt like Adrian was my Vaughn…possibly omnipresent and mysterious. I don’t quite feel that way now, but almost everything in Carmichael could remind me of him. Hmm.

Oh, my passport showed up today! The photo looks terrible, but it’s covered in so many glows-under-UV-light super-tamper-proof seals that the picture seems more an afterthought than anything. I love my mom so much. She also sent in the package (I wasn’t sure where I’d be living in six months, so I had it sent to her address) a day planner to help me get organized and get a job. She’s so cool. Oddly, I haven’t heard much from her. I left voicemails but got no response. I feel like she’s mad at me for not being gainfully employed, but the only way to remedy that is to do what I’m going to do tomorrow: seriously job-shop.

My grandma spent close to $500 getting my car roadworthy again, and I’m not going to let that money go to waste. I’m going to be a friggin’ productive member of society whether I like it or not.

I have such pain in my wrists, but I had to write anyway…I need to take my Mac over to Adrian’s so I can wipe the hard drive and restore from my image (using FireWire disk mode). I could do it myself if Apple hadn’t shipped a version of Disk Utility with a bug on it on the DVDs that came with my Mac. Anyway, once I get voice-rec back I’m going to be writing my usual endless banters about nothing, but the important thing is that they will cause me no wrist pain.

Absolutely no one is online. Adrian, Noah, Josh, and Kieth (my top four IM buddies) are all either offline or mobile. I don’t know what’s going on with Josh…he seems distant and keeps signing off in the middle of conversations. Maybe he’s mad at me. I guess all I do is talk to him about Adrian, which probably angers him. I guess he always did have more than a sexual crush on me. Still, I miss talking to him and wish he would sign back on.

Speaking of that, I had been meaning to write a post where I discuss what happened with every guy I’ve ever slept with. Not like that…I mean, Adrian was musing that night that I posted that spreadsheet that I wasn’t friends with most of the people I’d slept with, and I guess that’s true…but…well…I blame that on the fact that most of the guys I don’t talk to any more hurt me terribly: Richard and Taggart or who I only went to bed with out of desperation: Jordan and Thomas.

Hm. I miss Mindy. I should write her an email.