the diary of antoine roquentin

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but when me and Adrian went to see A Scanner Darkly yesterday, Adrian charged my NiMH batteries for my camera in his charger…so I have my camera again!

Today (after I worked on my resume and such) me and Adrian went to the river. Well, before that we went to the dollar store. Adrian was always bragging about how great the dollar store was, and I must admit he is right. They have everything there. I swear, it would be the best place to hide out in a zombie invasion…although Bed, Bath, and Beyond would be the most comfy. I got some brand-x Wheat Thins loaded with preservatives and a Shasta soda.

I can’t seem to find a name for the park we went to today, but it’s right here (the next picture shows the end of Bridge St. on the map). This bridge and park is the same place me and Adrian went the first night we hung out. It was quite odd to be there in the daytime when it was full of bikers and joggers and hikers.

I took a whole bunch of pictures, but I must warn you….my camera has this defect where it will go into what I call Purplevision. Here is an example:

It led to some interesting shots, but I just want to clarify. I’m not trying to be artsy, my camera just sucks. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s look at the photos!

Adrian crossing the bridge.

We found this odd concrete structure, but didn’t have a grappling hook on hand to see what it was, so I just took a picture instead.

I kept taking purplevision-enhanced pics of Adrian, I love this one:

We kept getting attacked by these plants:

We found a storm drain that he’d been telling me about and we investigated it…but this rabid bat was trying to kill us so we escaped.

We moseyed back to the car while Adrian argued with his cell phone’s voice-recognition function. He must have said “news” twelve times before it actually worked…it was extremely funny. After that, we drove back towards his house. I put three dollars of gas in my car (I have somehow lost my check card and it wouldn’t take my credit card), and then dropped him off at his house. We hugged and we both talked about how much fun we’d had, and I went home.

The time: like 9 p.m.

Isn’t that weird? It’s midnight, and I’m actually tired. I think I’m going to have another snack and hit the hay at a sane hour for once.

Categories: Ennui

When great things happen, shitty things have to happen too.

Case in point:

Tonight me and Adrian went to see A Scanner Darkly at the historic Tower Theater downtown. The film was wonderful and incredibly true to the novel (a rarity with movie adaptations nowadays). Me and Adrian both liked it.

We chatted and drove around downtown Sacramento, got snacks at the Safeway at Alhambra, then went back to his house. We surfed the web for a while, then went into his room to cuddle and watch Babylon 5. I had planned to leave at two, but come on…I was in bed with a cute, intelligent boy. What was I to do? I ended up leaving at around 5 a.m.

It was such an incredible night.

However, as soon as I got home I noticed something was amiss. Usually the Sacramento Bee is on the doorstep way before 5 a.m.

I was sort of happy that I’d beaten the paper and that I wasn’t actually as late as I thought.

But no.

I go in, and my grandma is awake on the couch. “I think you’d better find a job if this is going to go on,” she said.

“Yeah…” I sleepily replied.

“You’d better find something in the next few days,” she said.

“This is really hard on me,” she added.

Christ. Could she have laid on the guilt trip any thicker? I have been a profligate loser though. And that’s what makes it hurt.

That conversation was about ten minutes ago. I would have had a wonderful, near-perfect day was it not for that…and was it not for Adrian snapping at me at one point for saying something insulting about his home country of Colombia (but I think that was partly my fault…I really don’t remember what I said).

So now I’m in a bad mood. I’m going to go to sleep without brushing my teeth. Except for that I don’t have dental insurance. I’d better brush or I’m fucked.

Well, I’m fucked any way I look at it. My tags on my car are a month expired, I have a bunch of bills and a big credit card debt. And my car is making this high-pitched metal scraping sound all the time now. I need a fucking job and I have no clue how to get one. Tomorrow is going to be resume time. I don’t have enough money to pay registration fees for any classes I might take this semester, so there is not even any point in going to counseling.

I can’t believe I’ve been here a fucking month. I’ve been so fucking selfish–inadvertently blowing off Kelly yesterday because my website broke down…staying up with Adrian all night long. I need to get my life in control. I need to stop being a lazy fuck.

But what’s really going to happen is I’m going to sleep in until 5 p.m. and get absolutely nothing done. That’s what fucking always happens. God I hate myself sometimes.

Categories: Ennui

I’ve been experimenting with Broadcast Machine, this open-source software that allows you to publish your own video channel online.

Here’s my experimental video blog.

You’ll need a BitTorrent client to view it. I would recommend downloading Democracy if you want to check out how Internet TV is going to redefine broadcasting, or the official BitTorrent client if you just want to check out my podcast.

And if this BitTorrent stuff sounds like Greek, click here.

If you want a more in-depth discussion of video blogging, click here.

Categories: Ennui

Me and Adrian had so much fun today…I should be sleeping but I just can’t contain myself, I must write about it. We went to Ansel Hofman Park and checked out the river, and we found this flock of turkeys and Adrian got a few pics of them (will post them once he downloads them). After that we refilled some of his prescriptions, hit Safeway, and went out to eat at Rice Bowl on Fair Oaks. We had rice, miso soup, and eel. It was delicious.

Well, before all that we discussed the problems we’d been having, and I think we got it all cleared up. For a while there I was just so afraid that he wouldn’t talk to me or something. I don’t know…I just am so into him that can’t put it into words. And it’s not into him in an odd creepy stalker way, it’s more of a “hold me while we watch Babylon 5 and Futurama all night” way (which we did).

The most wonderful part of the night (besides the three incredibly passionate love scenes [one in particular] which I am still running through my head) was when we went out to his pool at like 2 a.m. and ended up naked and fooling around on one of the chaise lounges, and after we finished I convinced him to take a swim in the pool. It was so cute…he didn’t want to do it, and I told him it would make me happy and he did it. After that we cuddled and recuperated in his room until we decided that if we were going to hang out today (Sunday) I would have to go home and then come back (due to his parents).

I have never felt this way before…it’s like my heart is going to explode. He matches all the criteria I’ve ever set up for my perfect guy. I just…look into his eyes and I don’t know what to say, I’m just…overwhelmed. It’s that kind of Ayn Rand-ian <3 where you admire someone from the very foundation of their morality and virtue. I don’t mean to refer to him in godlike terms, but that’s the mood I’m in right now so I’m going to go with it.

I guess it’s a pop-song platitude, but I just never knew life could feel this wonderful.

Categories: Ennui

You know those times where you can easily identify the one thing that will needle you into being angry? Today it was “Adrian is not responding via IM, if I call him and he forwards me to his ‘this is not a working number’ thing, I’m going to be very mad.”

“Beep beep beep: this is not a working number.”

Today I was thinking that I haven’t met anyone that I had so much in common with…everything reminds me of him: my virtual desktops, the Starbucks cup from our first date, the flask he loaned/gave me, the iSight that we met though…

With Brian, the only things that remind me of him are things far from my normal experiences…Sutter Street and Quiznos.

All right, my mood has passed. Me and Katie are going to see frickin’ Oakenfold in forty minutes! I’m going to blast Jet and attempt to clean up my room.

Kelly and Christen came over a bit ago to check their spaces and such…I think they’re having a party later tonight. I wish I could go to it and the Oakenfold concert…but alas, it’s not possible.

My wrists really hurt from typing. I need to take some ibuprofen and find something else to do.

Categories: Ennui