I don’t know what I did today…I worked on making Kelly’s site and killed my wrists in doing so. Even now they hurt.
I guess I’ll make this quick: I’m feeling angsty and Adrian is asleep again so can’t talk to him about what I’m feeling. It really sucks.
Adrian came over last night and we had dinner with some of my long-lost relatives…today they’re going off to Lake Tahoe…they might already be there. We’re going over to see. And we’re bringing his computer so I can fix mine so it can boot into Windows again. Why oh why did I get rid of my Windows partition. Anyway, the dinner was wonderful and I think we made a good impression.
Afterwards, Adrian felt crappy so we cuddled for a while and he slept until around ten. I got up when I heard my grandma lurking around and read TUAW and Digg for a while. At around ten, Adrian woke up and I got him a muffin and made coffee and we were ready to go to Kelly’s second party.
It was really cool, very different from the last party…me and Adrian did lime vodka shots and Katie was there. We talked to Christen a bit about her new boy and some tattoos she is going to get, and Kelly showed off her Downward Spiral tat. It was SO cool, and I was all “I love tattoos on other people!”
Maybe I’ll get one someday…I don’t know. I’m typing this on an 800MHz iBook G4 that Adrian’s dad gave him. Aww, Adrian just made me ravioli.
Anyway, the party was a great success and we had fun.
“You hang things in unlikely places — that’s one of the reasons I like you.”
–Adrian
This is what happens when I get into relationships. I neglect my blogging. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I’ve gone an entire week without posting. It’s so not like me! It’s that old Catch-22 about having great times not necessarily translating into wonderful posts. When you’re in the midst of something wonderful and life-changing, you’re not usually in front of a computer with a few hours to spare.
Adrian is asleep on the bed, and I was cuddling with him for the last three or four hours, but I simply can’t fall asleep (he woke up at 9 a.m. this morning, me at noon).
Let’s see…Wednesday was Kelly’s big birthday bash (well, phase one of it…a bunch of people couldn’t come so they are having a second party this Saturday). They blindfolded her and took her to the Rollercade behind Sunrise Mall. Me and Adrian had been hanging out at the Starbucks on Manzanita with Tim, one of Adrian’s exes from long ago. I wanted to be more friendly, but he was a stranger…so I was reserved. I just…feel like everything I say is on trial when I’m meeting new people…and it is…so I usually stay pretty quiet.
Anyway, after we were done at Tim’s we headed over to Kelly’s party at the rollercade. It was really fun, Colleen and Becky and Jeremy were there when we arrived; then Kelly made her appearance. Devin blindfolded her and made her listen to Papa Roach the whole time (LOL!). We had some pizza then we all headed out of the “Merlin Room.” Adrian and I got roller skates and he was so adorable! We sang Kelly “Happy Birthday,” had cake and ice cream, and then it was time to go out and skate again.
Adrian didn’t want to skate though…and I felt like something was wrong. I saw that expression on his face…and it made me very anxious. Basically, I had three options: go out and skate for a while and leave him behind (feeling terrible that he was there doing nothing), take him home and come back and skate (and feel terrible that I wasn’t with him), or not skate at all and sit there with him feeling terrible until everybody was done having fun. Obviously, I had no idea what to do. After talking it to death, we agreed the best solution was to take him home and come back and skate. He told me that he was in a bad mood, and I understood (we all have our bad moods). In the car, I still felt anxious. I told him that when he was in these moods that I wanted to know that he still loved me, and he leaned over, gave me a big hug and told me that everything was okay, he was just tired. I felt much better and held his hand all the way back to his house.
When we pulled up, he didn’t get out. I was confused…did he really want me to take him home? Had I made the wrong decision? I tried to talk to him, and the answer was that he was tired and felt sick. The answer in my mind was for him to take a little nap and have some food and he would feel better and we could go do something later in the night. My phone rang. Kelly was calling me: she’d finished skating and that they were going to rendezvous at her house later. I told her that Adrian had fallen skating (a little white lie) and that I’d had to take him home and that I’d see her at the party later. He got angry at me for lying about the reason that I had taken him home and told me that he felt he wasn’t welcome at Kelly’s house. I told him that it wasn’t true, but I felt like everything I was saying was wrong. My heart was pounding and I just wanted to hug him so badly. We got out of the car and I gave him a hug, but he pulled away seconds afterwards and walked into the house. I still felt like I’d made the wrong decision, but I had nothing else to try so I started driving towards Kelly’s. My phone rang with Adrian’s special ring, and he’d sent me a text:
“The gullible part of me thought you’d stay.”
The ground had come undone…failing beneath me and I tried hard not to burst into tears. I called him…voicemail. Call again…he picks up.
Me: “I just don’t know what you want… [sob]”
[I bank the car into a U-turn through the suicide lane]
“I just keep trying…I just feel like you’re testing me and there’s nothing I can do…that there’s no right answer.”
“Do you want me to come see you?”
He told me that he didn’t know.
“I’m coming anyway…I’ll be there in like…five minutes.”
I pulled up at his house still half-sobbing, but I felt a bit better because we were still on the phone. He was out in back by the pool. I continued down the path, across the little bridge, down the dark path between the trees in the back… getting closer…going up the stairs…and there he was. I could barely make him out in the dark…in a lounge chair by the pool. I hung up my phone and laid down next to him.
“I don’t know what to do to make you happy…” I said.
“Just you being here is enough.”
I poured out all my sadness and my angst while snuggled in his arms. After I was done I looked into his eyes and all I could feel was love. Adrian is mine. He is my love. I held him so tightly, I wanted him to never let go. In a while he told me that I was the only person that could make him happy again when he got into one of his bad moods. He asked me, “Don’t you think you should be with someone who has simple problems?”
“No,” I responded. “I don’t want someone with problems that are easy to fix. I want you.” I’ve told Kelly a million times that I don’t like guys that can easily be predicted, summed up, or understood. People with simple problems are boring. Predictable people are boring. After more than two months I would be hard-pressed to sum up Adrian in a paragraph, let alone a sentence.
I just…love him so much. When I’m holding him I feel…incredible. I just want to kiss him forever. We have such cool adventures, I love hanging out with him. I want our days at the Manzanita Starbucks and our late-night Futurama binges to last forever.
Anyway, after our talk Adrian told me that he was just mostly tired and that we could go to Safeway and get caffiene pills and go over to Kelly’s after all. I was happy and I felt so loved…we held hands in the car and kissed.
We got to Kelly’s and everybody was there. We had shots of vodka and mingled for a while, then we started to play this game called catchphrase. It’s like charades, this word comes on the device and you have to act it out and have people guess it and pass it to the next person before the timer goes off. We had SO much fun playing it and we all totally bonded. It was the most wonderful night. After we were done playing, Adrian went out for a smoke and I came with him. He told me that he’d had an amazing time and that he was so glad I came back for him. We sat on the decrepit “smoking chair” on the patio and cuddled while the dog crawled all over us. We talked about how deeply we felt about each other and it felt so wonderful to be close to him. After that, Devin and Colleen left so we gave them hugs and we ended up on the floor of Kelly’s room cuddling. We were talking about crashing there when Kelly came in. Adrian asked her if he could have the brand-new version of his wristband. (His has red stars on it, but they were all worn off and hers was new). Kelly said that he could have it, and he was all eternally grateful…he is so adorable when he’s giddy.
After that some random people came in so we relocated to the front porch. We cuddled on the front walkway and had this incredible conversation…about everything…exes, love, what it means to be together, how we feel about each others’ bodies, incredibly intimate things I just can’t put into words right now…I just…felt more close to him that night than anyone in my whole life.
It started to get cold and I was allergic to something out there and was coughing up a storm so we went inside and Adrian made some food and we cuddled up next to each other and went to sleep.
I just…don’t know what to say about this man. He is…my love. I don’t know how to explain it. I know I’ve read posts like this and they seemed so much like cutesy bullshit…but this can’t be cutesy. When we’re together I feel more than real.
He is what was missing from my life.
I love him so much.
