the diary of antoine roquentin

Adrian made me cry for the first time last night.

It was okay though…

He held me and told me everything was going to be all right.

And it was.

Categories: Ennui

Categories: Ennui

Today I combed through the job listings in the Bee, then went out to this one as a receptionist/office clerk at this car dealership on Fulton. However, the two people at the desk were big-boobed blondes…and then I realized how pointless that was. I got an app anyway though.

Okay. I had wanted to wait until I was back at home (I’m at Adrian’s) to write about this, but it can’t wait. Yesterday, I had wanted to watch some TV shows, so I loaded up Front Row on my Mac and went into the kitchen to procure some snacks. I ended up with some kind of dip and a half-full box of crackers. Satisfied, I went back into my room and started watching Aqua Teen Hungerforce…but for some reason I just didn’t find it funny any more. I was determined to watch it, and kept munching on the crackers from the box. I ate one that felt really strange and it sort of hurt to swallow it. Soon, I got lazy, and decided to dump the box of crackers onto my plate for some better dipping action. There was a glass-on-porcelain clink, and there in the pile of crumbs and crackers was a clear half-moon–the lip of a broken wine glass.

Flabbergasted, I thought back and remembered the “sharp” cracker and freaked out. Did I eat a piece of glass? I kept feeling sharp things in my stomach the rest of the night, but I wasn’t sure if they were psychosomatic or not. So that was my harrowing cracker experience.

The piece of glass is still sitting on my desk…I don’t quite know what to do with it. :(

Categories: Ennui

> Morcheeba – Everybody Loves a Loser
> Dandy Warhols – Love is the New Feel Awful
> The Cars – Dangerous Type
> Madonna – Secret Garden
> theSTART – Dirty Lion

I seem to have gotten my virtual machine to work again. However, it usually will work for a bit and then Dragon NaturallySpeaking will crash. If you’re reading this, that has not been the case. Yay!

I’m really not sure where to begin… I think I’ve gone the longest without posting in a very long time. There were so many fun memories: hanging out with Amanda, spending days with Adrian… Kelly’s incredible party on Saturday. I just can’t do them justice. In some ways, I felt that it was good to take a bit of a break from writing about my life. Blogging has the possibility of cheapening and conventionalizing the most incredible experiences.

I’ve been having some of those kinds of experiences for which there are no words… and I’m glad.

In other news, I got a Facebook account today. I’m not sure whether you will have to sign in to view my profile, but there it is. Well, I can’t believe that my voice recognition works. The company that makes the virtual machine released a new beta, and apparently with this version it works. I’m quite glad, because I spent $50 on the damn thing and it had better work… without it I would be powerless to write papers. Or, more importantly, document my existence.

I must admit it: I’m really falling for Adrian. And I can’t seem to think of anything to qualify that with.

The day that Amanda visited, I got a call on my cell phone from him. Basically, it amounted to a breakup call. It’s a long, heart-wrenching story that I would like to retell at a time when I have more energy, but I went over to his house after saying my goodbyes to Amanda. I don’t really know what I was expecting, other than to feel miserable. However, we talked about our relationship and how much we cared for each other and everything was all right again. I know our relationship has been rocky at times, but I feel that it’s for the best. He’s never been cruel to me, and we get along wonderfully in person. However, I want these things to stop where he gets irritable at 3 a.m. and I feel like he’s not going to talk to me again. I think we’re through that though. He always has the right thing to say (which, given that he’s five years older than me, should be expected), but he said this really beautiful thing about eliminating fear that I’m sure I won’t be able to quote correctly.

As for every other topic in my life, I am in high stress mode. I couldn’t even concentrate on Adrian the last hour or so I was there… I had to get out of the house and get my life together. I know I’m wasting time on the Internet right now, but in an hour I’m going to sleep with her and I’m going to get an application from every business within 3 mi. of here. Seriously. I have $28 to my name. My car insurance is expired. I am very, very close to failure. But I’m not going to let it happen.

I’m really new to this whole relationship thing it feels like… and I need to start budgeting my time better. I mean, when I’m with Adrian and we have fun and go do things and I love being around him, but I need to learn to not go on these three-day vacations with him. Not that I don’t enjoy every moment, but that’s not something that the responsible person that I need to be should be doing. I need to get up in the morning. I need the out there looking for jobs. Once I have accomplished this, me and Adrian can have midnight sushi all week long.

I’m going to be 21 soon, I need to learn some self control.

I was planning on watching this movie tonight, but the optical drive on my Mac Mini has decided to stop working. I think it’s a loose cable or something because when I jiggle it and restart the computer will usually detect the drive. I’m feeling totally exhausted tonight, but it’s a wonderful kind of exhaustion. Embers of memories bounce around my brain… rocking out to “You’re My Disco” with the gang at Kelly’s party… sipping on a milkshake at Denny’s at 3 a.m…myself nestled a hundred different ways in Adrian’s arms.

I have had so many things happen to me in the past two months I feel like I’m just going to explode. But when I waited so long for this… slaving away at College of the Rednecks, calmly explaining things to angry old ladies at work, cursing the universe for having no one around that I could date…and now that everything has come true I’m just overwhelmed.

And it’s a wonderful thing.

Categories: Ennui

It’s August 8…almost two months since I moved down here. I’m here on Adrian’s computer, we just woke up a bit ago. I met a few of Adrian’s exes last night, we all went out to the Denny’s on Manzanita and hung out.

They were pretty cool people and it wasn’t as harrowing as I would have though. However, we didn’t get to sleep until well around 5 a.m.

I went to the college with Adrian yesterday and waited a few hours to see a counselor. They told me about the same thing that I thought, that I needed a lab science, a physical science, and a math to graduate. I registered for a biology class but the others were full. I need to investigate my choices further, but I wanted to have at least one class in line for the semester.

Paying for it is going to be another matter entirely. I think I’m going to call my dad and beg for mercy.

I (heart) Adrian.

I brought him over to my grandma’s house two days ago and my grandma was all nice to him, even after that incident. I think it was because her boyfriend Orrin was there. She’s nicer than anything when he’s around. She even made us sandwiches and ice cream. I hope he’s there when I go over there today. I need to go and get more job applications.

My car insurance ran out on the 7th…I need to get my grandma or somebody to renew it for me…but I feel guilty. I blew all the money that my mom gave me on frivolous things like my new iSight and copious meals at Denny’s. Well, I’ll ask my grandma if she’ll do it. If not, it’s a life of crime for me.

Anyway, today I’ve allocated to go get more applications.

My mom keeps saying all this crap about how my school should be the most important thing, but um…how am I going to pay my insurance and such? I think I might just give up this part time job thing and get a full-time one…just so I can save up enough to pay for my classes. That would sort of be like giving up on my education though…I don’t know. I should have that talk with her.

Well, I can’t think of anything else to talk about…I should go. I’m going to attempt to post more often…my voice-rec is out of commission and my wrists have been acting up lately, so I think I’m going to start doing little audio posts in the meantime between real posts.

Hasta luego.

Categories: Ennui