I’m awake, and I feel quite a bit better. I don’t know what I’m going to do at the Massive Attack concert, because my legs hurt SO much from standing for that two-hour-long Suicide Girls show last night. It was basically a burlesque show: the girls would come out and act out some sort of thing to the music and take off their clothes. Here’s a link to the tour page on the SG website. I was in love with Nixon, she looks like a punk rock version of Nicole Kidman>. She lunged into the crowd and beat the crap out of this guy that was taking pictures (a no-no).

Second, I think, would be Reagan. She was sort of the MC of the show, and came out at the end to thank us for being such a great audience. To be sure, we were a good audience. Most of us couldn’t see much…the stage was really low, so a lot of the performance was lost on us, even though were only about four rows of standing people from the stage. All in all, I think it was a wonderful performance. Nixon did this striptease to Marilyn Manson’s “User Friendly”…it was AWESOME! They also played so much Queens of the Stone Age. There was even one performance to a Dresden Dolls song. So, all in all, definitely worth $15.

But yeah….

Oh my GAWD!!!!

I’m going to see MASSIVE ATTACK!!!!

I keep having these moments when I’m listening to them and thinking “gosh, I would love to see them live…and then I realize that I am in less than a week!

UPDATE: My bank balance is *drum roll* $1.69. LOL. I’d better scrounge up some change and go to the bank.

I must be the stupidest person…ever.

Adrian wasn’t returning my phone calls, so I was all “oh, he must be asleep at his house” so I went and got him food and went to his place. Guess what: he wasn’t there!

And he’s online…somewhere.

I just feel like a real douchebag.

The SG concert was extremely cool/hot though.

I wish I could post pictures, but

a) I don’t have a camera
b) they would have smashed it because they don’t let you take pictures

But um, it was hot. I guess I can’t come up with anything more descriptive at 3:50 a.m.

My contacts are BURNING. Must get to sleep. But I’m lonely!

Holy fuck, I cannot find my contact solution or holder anywhere. What the fuck is going on? I must seriously be in another dimension of cruelty. Adrian just sent me a message responding to the voicemail I left him:

“My arm hurt too much to do anything but sleep …. sorry I misse you. Hope you’re well <3″

How does that explain him not being at his house? Where the hell was he sleeping? On the roof?

I’m so damn confused.

I’m going to sleep.

We went to go see the Suicide Girls (NSFW) tonight! It was SO hot! But a few of the girls were totally men with copious surgery.

I’m away from Adrian and it feels odd.

I’ve spent almost every single minute with him for months.

He’s not returning my phone calls, IMs, or SMSes. I guess he’s asleep.

In other news, I am incredibly broke. I get my first paycheck Friday, though.

I have like five dollars in my bank account. I am sure to have overdraft fees by Friday.

I feel like I need to make some kind of superficial change to my body that will spearhead a change in the direction my life is going. Well, to be honest, right now I have no clue where my life is going. It’s going by…that’s all I know.

I don’t know what I feel for Adrian. It just snapped something in me that he was going to break up with me rather than lose an argument. For a while after that I just wanted to punch him when he would hug me. But now the feeling is back. I look into his eyes and I do want him…but I feel like something has changed. I don’t know what.

Everyone I know says that I should dump him, but I dunno…he’s really nice to me 99% of the time and we get along so well. I just can’t imagine finding someone that I got along with better than him.

In other news, ME AND KELLY ARE GOING TO SEE MASSIVE ATTACK THIS FRIDAY.

I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED.

For those of you who don’t listen to Massive Attack, download Mezzanine NOW!

I’m in a bad mood…I haven’t blogged in so long. I feel like the person that I am is being sucked away. I just have no guilt-free time to myself. I need time alone to write and think and collect myself…I’ve been living this endless life of sleeping in Adrian’s parents’ basement with him and living in this depressing world where we keep going to Rite Aid and Adalberto’s and the Arden Mall and eating at New Rice Bowl Express and even though we’re lauging and I’m smiling and looking into his eyes, something is wrong. We can’t just live like this!

I need to go back to college. I need to get my car working again (currently it is barely running and I’m driving on the donut tire because the other one went flat).

I need to talk to my grandma about how I have no money to pay for any of this shit.

I think she’ll be amenable.

Did I mention that my glasses also broke? One of the sides snapped off. I’ve been trying to super-glue it, but it won’t work. I have one pair of contacts left from when I wore contacts like four years ago, and they itch like hell. I feel like such an orphan with no parents to provide for me.

I am an orphan. I’ve always been one.

I haven’t heard from my mom in what seems like ages. When I call, she only talks for like fifteen minutes. I feel like we’re settling into that adult stage where you only hear from your parents at major holidays. I don’t want it to be that way…but…I don’t know how it’s supposed to be. I can’t help my mom and she can’t help me. I’m just barely getting by down here.

I think my grandma will help me. My aunt is a drug addict and my uncle is a drunk. Compared to them, I’m the most successful relative she’s got. I think she’ll help me.

I have this feeling that if I dump Adrian, something fundamental will change about my life. But I really don’t think that’s true at all. If that happened, I’d just be on the Web trying to find another Adrian with slightly different qualities.

I don’t know. I’m going to drive over to his house and lay down with him in the basement. It’s my life now.

For better or for worse, right?

Except we’re not married.