I know.

I’m not even going to look at the date of my last post.

But it’s been a while.

I’ve been living with my old friend Katie here in Sacramento. I’ve been living here about a month… and I haven’t really told my grandma that I’ve moved out yet. I guess she has found out on her own. I feel terrible for being so passive aggressive, but it’s not entirely my fault that I haven’t been over there. I need to go over there this weekend and talk with her…I feel so strange having an important talk like that over the phone. Oh, did I mention? It happened. My car died.

It still runs, but at about 20 minutes of driving the heat needle will go all the way to the red zone and it will just go crazy and thump and refuse to keep a steady gear. But on the bright side, I don’t really care because Katie’s house is right next to the light rail station. A 15 minute walk, and I’m on the train. It goes within two blocks of my work downtown. I absolutely adore light rail. For $12 a week, I get transportation to and from work. No $400 repair bills, no $150 registration every year, No $60 trips to the gas station… I feel like I’ve truly found heaven.

I guess it goes without saying that I’m living with Adrian here as well. We are each paying $200 a month for rent, which is manageable. He hasn’t gotten a job yet, but he does have this security consulting contract that might be lucrative. I’m pretty sure he’ll find some way to pony up the $200 by the end of the month…the alternative isn’t too wonderful (sleeping in his parents’ basement).

I have been doing very well on the financial front, however. My credit card was nearing its $750 limit right around when I got my job, and I have it paid down to $470. That may seem like a small improvement, but I can’t stand being in debt. I’m going to pay every last penny until I am back in the black. I have no idea what I spent all this money on, but it is mostly all of those times that I went to Denny’s while I was down here and didn’t have a job. I mean, I loved my three-month vacation…but now I’m paying the piper.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing, though. I have enough money to pay the rent and eat and take the bus anywhere I need to go. I have my handy computer desk and chair from IKEA and my computer all set up in an ergonomic way… I like my new apartment. I have many places to live down here, but I really like this place. I don’t want to take two buses to work. I love the light rail.

I feel like I have crossed into a new universe. I am finally free of Crescent City.

OH MY FUCKING GOD IT FEELS GREAT.

The Adrian situation I think has much improved since we’ve been living here. I don’t feel for him what I did when we first met, but I think that’s true of a lot of relationships. When we first moved here I mostly just wanted to punch him in the face, but I don’t hate him any more and we are doing much better. A lot of the time I feel like he’s more of a roommate than someone I’m dating, but I guess that’s good in that we get along. I want to be with him long-term, but when I think back on the embarrassing debacles that he has been responsible for, it makes me feel like a fool.

Adrian’s home. I asked him to close the door when he went into the kitchen. I can’t reflect on anything when he (or anyone) is around. I need to operate in a vacuum. I know that it’s odd that I wouldn’t want him to overhear my posts that I’m going to put on the Internet for everyone to read, but it’s very personal to me and the composing of the post is the most personal stage. When I click the publish button, I commit to having the world read it… but until that point it has to be me mine and mine alone.

Do any of you remember Patrick? I wonder if I even blogged about him. *searches archives*

Notable posts referencing him:

Aug. 2005 - “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”

May 2005 - “lol”

May 2005 - “Waiting for the Night”

Feb 2005 “The Talented Mr. Ripley”

Feb 2005 - “Lots of Action”

Feb 2005 - “The Sweetest Infection”

Hmm, I love my archives!

I just asked Adrian if he wouldn’t might hang on the living room for a bit while I finished my post. He responded, ” all right, I’ll wait in the living room wall you write another post about how much it sucks the living with me.”

I guess I would say a similar snarky thing if the situation were reversed… but I don’t have a laptop, I can’t just go somewhere where I will not be disturbed when I want to blog in solitude. Anyway, me and Patrick have been talking for weeks and he seems like a really cool guy. I just don’t know where this fits into my life though. Adrian and I are very compatible when it’s just us… which it is most of the time… but basically I can’t introduce him to my friends any more. I don’t know… we had a great day yesterday and we walked around downtown today… but I can’t help that I feel hurt by the things that he’s done… and there’s no way to fix those things.

You see… this is why I haven’t written in so long. I feel like I can’t express myself when he’s around. I can’t paint, I can’t write…I can’t have a good time with my friends…sometimes it’s suffocating. I find myself questioning whether what I feel for him is love, pity, envy, or nostalgia. Many times I pictured making a list of all the things that bother me or that are incompatible between us… but that’s pointless. I really like him and we share so many of the same interests… but I feel like sometimes that’s not enough.

Patrick is going to visit in a few months, and I know it’s going to be some kind of episode. I feel like spending time with other people that I have fun with pisses Adrian off. I know that I’m always criticizing my friends’ relationships, cursing out loud and going “why don’t they just see all of those obvious problems!” I here I am looking out from the inside of a relationship that all of my friends disapprove of. But you know, they’re not here. Many of the things they say about him are true, yet I refuse to throw in the towel. I don’t know why. Under all the mood swings and the snarkiness, I think Adrian is a good person.

I really love my new job. Well, let me rephrase that: I love getting paid. And I love doing office work on a dual processor G5. That thing fucking murders the spreadsheets! I turned in my time for this week and I get paid next week. I hope to devote a big chunk of it to my credit card, but most of it will probably go to rent instead. I’m having such a boring year 20. My birthday is in November. But I guess I did do a whole bunch of shit… move out of my hometown, establish myself in a city… make new friends and get my own place… and see my first concert!

Speaking of concerts, me and Kelly are going to see Ladytron in San Francisco on Monday!!!! I am SOOO fucking excited. Ladytron is one of my favorite bands EVER! We are going to dance the shit out of that place. EEK! The Ladytron tickets were another thing I put on my credit card… and I can’t begrudge myself for them.

I just feel like something fundamental has changed. One night as I was taking a late train back to the house this red flood of light came at us from from the setting sun as the train seemed to fly through the air over an overpass. I just thought to myself: “I’m home.” My dream was always to move somewhere where I could use public transit and not have to own a car… and it’s come true. I know that sort of a ridiculous thing to want, but I’m all about the technology… and $500 car repair bills were the reason that I could never get a truly great computer when I was living in Crescent City. Oh, that and the terrible wages I got at the paper. Every time I write in reference to my old job I want to write out the name of the paper, and I realize that the prying eyes of Google know whenever I write the word T r i p l i c a t e.

Oddly enough, John, one of the first people I worked with at the Trip contacted me via Yahoo Messenger. I wonder how he found my blog. We haven’t been online at the same time yet, though, so I think I will be a bit before I know.

OMG! I’m listening to Miss Kittin and it turns out that she covered Sweet Dreams by Eurythmics! It’s a wonderful cover.

Well, I hope that catches everybody up. I’m going to try and write much more often… we’ll see how that works out. I know it’s sort of mean to kick Adrian out of our room, but it’s the only way I’ll get any writing done. Hope everybody is doing well. Good luck at your job, Amanda! I was so happy to read that you got a cool job (belated, I know…) and good luck on the promotion. Molly, I’ve been thinking of you a lot, and hope you’re doing well too. And Kevin, I don’t know if you read this, but I totally miss you! I wish you could be with me when I finally turn “not fun.”

Traveled the world and the seven seas
Everybody’s looking for something…