the diary of antoine roquentin

> Paul Oakenfold – Faster Kill Pussycat (w/ Brittany Murphy)

After feeling really down for a few days, I’m oddly feeling better tonight. I watched Babylon 5 almost all night long, and now I’m watching music videos on iFilm. This is one of my favorite videos, it’s Vitalic’s “My Friend Dario.” And here is the ever-sexy “Faster Kill Pussycat” by Oakenfold. I wish it wasn’t 3 a.m., because I’m really in the mood for a dance party.

Me and Christen are going to fucking see PEACHES ON FRIDAY!!!! I don’t know if I’ve ever ranted about how much I love Peaches…well…goddamn, she is the sexiest bitch ever! I was only on iFilm because they had the full music video of her (incredibly catchy) new song “Downtown.” For those of you who don’t know, I’m all about downtown.

I feel like going to the mall tomorrow and getting a bunch of clothes even though I can’t afford it. I feel lost in this universe of sex and things. My lust for stuff is unquenchable. I swear, I think about a 23″ Apple Cinema Display and a shiny new MacBook more than anything. I feel like I need to escape from this world where all we can do is fuck each other and buy shit. What else is there?

It must be the rain that’s making me feel like this. Okay, I’m going to confess, in addition to re-reading Shirley Jackson’s masterful The Haunting of Hill House, I started reading the Sex and the City book. It was like the only thing in Christen’s room and I just got hooked on it. I feel like I’ve lived the loveless lives of a million blasé single women. It is the worst feeling in the world.

I only have a few more chapters though…and then…well, I don’t have anything new to read. I’ll steal something of Kelly’s ;)

I think me and Christen are going to hang out tomorrow. It should be hella fun. I see her more than I see Kelly. It’s so odd. I feel like all I do lately is complain that I don’t have a car and that I don’t have a MacBook or a Sidekick or a cool phone…mostly, I think my depression has to do with transportation. Whenever I used to feel depressed in Crescent City, I’d dress up all sexily and go into town to hang out with Joe or Kevin or Misty or Josh, or just go play DDR until something happened…but I can’t even do that. I did actually find some good car deals on Craigslist today. Then I’ll be able to go to the club again! (the trains stop running at midnight, and the buses much earlier)

I feel like I’m in limbo. And it’s not a good kind of limbo. I feel like I’m losing my grip on reality since the only places I see are work and my house. If it wasn’t for hanging out with Adrian and Christen, I would be totally crazy.

I really have no idea what life is about. I see these people that like, go and fuck random strangers on Craigslist and go to the club and fuck people…and that’s like, their life. I think that’s what I find so disturbing about Bret Easton Ellis. He doesn’t make excuses for people. Most of us are thinking about satisfying our monkeylike pleasures all the fucking time…like me and my cinema display fetish. I want to find a new way to live…but I don’t think there will be one. Not until I start school, at least. I hope that’s the catalyst that makes me feel better about my life.