the diary of antoine roquentin

Me and Christen had such a wonderful time at True Love tonight! We have been going there like, obsessively. I don’t know if it’s just a desire to cruise or to establish ourselves with a more bohemian crowd…or both, but we love the place.

We met this cool girl named Annie who Christen’s friend had met the night before at Luna, and we talked about crazy guys. We had SO many stories, lol.

Me and Christen went to check out Luna last night, but it was HELLA cramped in there and everyone looked really rude. I would type more, but I’d need to do voice-rec and everyone is asleep. I need to write an epic post tomorrow.

Categories: Ennui

You are seriously a five-year-old.

All that talk about being friends and you have an tizzy fit and won’t talk to me.

You are such a drama queen.

Categories: Ennui

I wrote this on December 20, but didn’t think it was a good idea to post it…’cause um…it’s about sex. But I’m posting it anyway. Take that, modesty!

I went over to Brian’s house last night and we watched the new Kathy Griffin special. It was SO fucking funny. I couldn’t believe it. I was going to go over to Zero’s afterwards but it was the night before finals and I had to study.

This thing with Zero is very interesting… normally I feel the urge to painfully deconstruct every aspect of my interaction with someone I’m dating… but we get along so well that I don’t have to.

I’ve been going over to his place a lot. We talk, swap movies and novels, surf internet memes, listen to music, have hot gay sex…pretty much everything I want out of a relationship. I was thinking about this today as I was driving… everything really does come down to me wanting to be with someone because I want to not because of some verbal contract that you are dating. In previous relationships, I wouldn’t let it go a week without declaring monogamy.

But now I see that that is a mistake. The problem here is that you can’t tell me what I can’t do or I will do it. It’s a character failing, of course, the one that’s hard to overcome for me. I don’t know… I guess I’m coming to the realization that when I’m in a relationship and I’m not getting what I want, I will get it elsewhere.

Which is a terrible thing to admit. I think I have to own it though. I cheated on Adrian. I had Mark pick me up, we went to his place, I fucked the shit out of him, and he drove me home.

Yes, Adrian I were over in so many ways…we were barely talking. But I got home and he was there. He smiled when he saw me. He came out of our room (we were living together, the lowest point in our relationship) and seemed genuinely happy to see me. I just felt this wave of revulsion about myself and immediately jumped in the shower. A few days later I got mugged, and after that we moved out of that apartment, and didn’t talk for about two weeks.

I always thought he was cheating on me with Mario… but Mario says that isn’t true. Although he’s not a boy to kiss and tell. Irony of ironies, I ended up cheating on Terry with him. Seriously, who hasn’t had sex with Mario at this point?

I guess I’m talking about all this because I am at the point in a relationship where every guy I see I’m like OH GOD ARE YOU HOTTER THAN MY BOYFRIEND!!!??? AM I GIVING YOU UP TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE? And after a few weeks of “Yes, my boyfriend is not only hotter than you, he’s also well-read” that impulse is slowly wearing off. Then there is the tacitly including the significant other in the grand plan of your life stage. It’s going to really suck when Zero has to move. I hope it’s not far away.

But OMG! We have classes at like nearly the exact same times next semester. We will have the same 30 minute lunch. Just like high school! Except it won’t suck!

Okay, I guess this post is all about dirty confessions. So I started reading that book, Lust Letters…and it is so. damn. hot.

Reading people’s letters is so intimate. Especially e-mails because they are in the heat of the moment and unedited for the most part. The book takes the form of, obviously, an e-mail correspondence between two guys who share very similar sexual and non-sexual interests… but it’s hard to pigeonhole the book as text-based hardcore porn (which, of course, it is) because one of the characters is a graduate student and keeps talking about philosophers and architects I’ve never heard of. The emails are chock-full of literary references…it’s just…astounding. It’s really interesting thinking about sex and how it relates to the intellect. He seems to be just as excited by his research on obscure French authors as he is about going to a bathhouse and discovering new acts of debauchery.

I went on a bit of a shopping spree on the iTunes music store, I bought the music videos for Duran Duran’s “The Chauffeur,” Digitalism’s “Pogo,” and the Klaxons’ “Golden Skans.” I also found out that Felix da Housecat has a new album too. Which is cool.

I was really incensed when Terry’s friends were giving him all of that “once a cheater, always a cheater” crap. One of the reasons that Terry and I were doomed was that he could never own up to his part in what took place. Yes, I did sleep with Mario, but he went on this three-day bender that I wasn’t invited to and wouldn’t answer my calls with anything but “Mario’s single.”

He maintains that he said other stuff. But he didn’t. He was drunk. Christen was there while I was on the phone. I don’t make this shit up.

That and he would NEVER have sex with me. Okay, maybe I have an overactive libido, but Jesus Christ. We were at married-for-ten-years level sex after the first month. Okay, I don’t mean to brag, but Zero and I blew through more lube in like, how long has it been? A week? than Terry and I did through our entire relationship. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

I’m not very good at initiating sex, but I’m very easily convincible. I guess I need a boyfriend that can indicate that he wants to do it. With Terry, he would always talk about wanting to have sex, but I’d be all “Um…well then take off your pants” and it would never happen.

I guess it just comes down to that I have an overactive sex drive. Once, twice, three times a day? *blushes*

So I guess the whole arrangement with Aaron isn’t going to happen. I mean, of course it wasn’t going to happen because Zero said he wasn’t okay with it, but according to Brian the whole thing about them being fuck buddies is apparently up in the air. I just don’t get Aaron at all. All I can think of is this one time that we were all in Aaron’s car and I played “Enjoy” by Bjork. “That’s the weirdest song I’ve ever heard,” he said after it was over. Brian and I just looked at each other as if to say “Have you been living under a taco for the past ten years?”. Well, that’s what I was thinking anyway.

Ballard keeps using the word Versailles in this short story of his I’m reading. I think that I should try it.

Okay, so I think what I’m trying to get at is what I said in the beginning. A relationship that is not based on empty all-or-nothing promises. It’s just helpful for my psyche to be like “Well, if I really really really wanted to fuck some other guy I could.” But I don’t want to. I can’t imagine doing anything with anyone but Zero. I just need to be able to think that so I don’t get into my whole “grass is greener” neurosis.

Does this make any sense? I hope so. ‘Cause I’m going to bed.

Categories: Ennui

where you sleepily set your alarm clock for p.m. instead of a.m.?

I just woke up and it’s noon.

Categories: Ennui

I forgot that Rob Zombie like, existed.

Thank you, Party Shuffle.

Categories: Ennui