It seems like the barbarians are at the gate lately…in the same week, my wiki and blog go down. The wiki was a relatively simple fix, although it did take time. My blog’s issue was completely out of my control. It was my hosting company’s fault. According to the email the tech sent me, it really is barbarians. Someone launched a DoS attack against the server my site is on, and they had been battling it for a week or two…that’s why it was down intermittently lately and why it went down completely this week.
For those not in the know, a denial of service attack is not really a hack…it simulates the effect of a bunch of computers accessing the same page over and over, blowing through the server’s bandwidth.
I’m rather suspicious, but am writing it off as idle paranoia.
I’m at the Starbucks on Alhambra, waiting out a rainstorm. This place is open until one, so fuck the rain. I’m also hoping to meet a cool guy I met recently, but he hasn’t responded to my aim messages yet. I simply must get waterproof pants and a waterproof jacket. I HATE riding in the rain though…all the cars sliding around everywhere…it makes me hella nervous.
Especially because it was pouring when I had my first car accident.
> Vive la Fête and the Prototypes
Had a rather okay day so far… I went to class, we talked about abusive relationships. Everything that she talked about sounded like me and Adrian. The List of signs of an abusive relationship that she listed off applied perfectly.
Rigid gender roles (he refused to do anything “feminine”)
Excessive jealousy (this one time when we went to the club I sort of lost track of him in all of the people and kept trying to find him, but it ended up thinking that he had gone out for smoke. He found me an hour later and started screaming about how he was going home and I should just stay here if all I wanted to do was ignore him and look at other guys)
Loses temper excessively (um. yeah.)
Blames you for problems (are we noticing a pattern here?)
Excessive kindness to make up for fights (he paid my cell bill a few times, and would be EXTREMELY sweet
Keeping him pacified takes up most of your time (oh. my. fucking. god. I was basically his emotional caretaker. I have to spend every last moment with him, walking on eggshells, enduring all of his mania, for him to be happy
Expects you to spend all your time with him (OH MY GOD. Every time I would go over to Kelly house, I would count down the minutes until I got an angry text or voicemail from him. God forbid the one time I accidentally left my phone in the car. Christ. He would keep me talking me on the phone (not talking, but just in uncomfortable silence) for hours when I was with my friends, and could not understand the fact that I had a life outside of him. Every time I would propose letting him go, he would give me some kind of “well, I guess you just don’t care about us” copout.)
Our teacher was also talking about this sort of “superficial charm” that sociopaths have. It wore thin very quickly for my perceptive friends, but he was a totally different person around his acquaintances. He keeps everyone at arm’s length so they don’t see the mask.
I feel like my intelligence is slipping away. I don’t find myself tactful…or that I have anything interesting to say.
It’s been so damn long since I’ve read a novel.
I stopped exercising months ago.
I’m going to try and stop this trend.
But is it inevitable?
The plain old truth is that I just don’t care about any of the things that should be important. All I feel is vaguely lonely and like I’m trying to recapture a bygone era…the time when Kelly lived at her mom’s and all these cool things seemed to happen.
I guess my universe just seems rather dull.
Just so we’re clear, the idea of Adrian dating someone else…especially a girl, fills me with an unreasoning rage.
Well…more like the rage that makes me listen to the Prototypes until my ears bleed.
But to message him would just be a mistake.
Stop reading my blog, Adrian.
You don’t fucking deserve to know that I’m in pain.
You don’t deserve to move on.
You don’t deserve new victims.
You don’t deserve anything.
I woke up today, met Rosemary, went to class, and there was the panel in our human sexuality class. It was the women’s panel that day, so all these girls got up there and answered all the questions that people in the class asked. Most of them were retarded questions asked by the obnoxious group of black guys in the back, but on the whole, it was rather interesting. I’m thinking of volunteering for the gay/lesbian/bisexual panel…I want to, but I would have to be like “no questions from the back row.” I should email her.
Okay, email sent.
After that I drove home and went inside…my drunken uncle John was there, and I said hi to him. I went into my room, and saw the card Patrick had sent me sitting on my keyboard (my grandma puts all my mail there). Right as I was opening it, I heard a soft knock at my door, and it was my grandma. “John’s on a rampage today…he’s going crazy…I’m going to go in my room.”
Um.
What do you say to that? I had stuff to do today, so I got all my clothes together to be washed. “Rampage. Rampage? What crap,” I mumbled to myself, and went out there with my thing of clothes. I went into the garage and was measuring out the detergent when I hear *thump* *thump* *thump* (door opens) John’s voice: “You need to get out of my house!” and the automatic garage door starts churning. “Oh…it’s you,” he says. I went back into my room and even though I’m hella hungry, I am SO not going out there again.
Well, maybe when I’m much hungrier.
