I’m having one of those nights where I can’t find a good song to listen to.
I’ve been so busy lately I haven’t really had time to reflect on the whole Adrian situation. I had been meaning to write this long list of all the things he did that may be angry. Although, now, I fail to see what purpose it would serve. Perhaps getting it out in the open would be a good idea instead of letting it stew.
I hate guys who:
Never take showers
Don’t wash their own clothes unless Mommy does it
Need to ask their parents for money to go out
Don’t have a job and are unable to keep one
Thrive on creating dramatic events at all costs
Make random, unrealistic demands and threaten to break up with you if you don’t capitulate
Whose emotions turn on the head of a pin
Have no means of transportation
Are going nowhere in their lives
Look five months pregnant
Are endlessly ill (headaches, stomachaches, you name it)
Endlessly wear the same clothes
Did I mention never shower?
Get mad at me for being devoted to my job
Think that there’s nothing wrong with eating fast food
Lack a fundamental understanding of what is permissible and what is not in social settings
Refuse to talk politics with me
Steal things from my friends
Snoop in my friends’ personal possessions
Hold you hostage at social events with their volatile emotions
Are willing to write you off at the drop of a hat
Are unable to follow through with a simple plan (i.e. watch a movie)
Don’t know what it’s like to struggle in life
I guess this Morcheeba lyric sums it up better than I can.
“I think you’ll find, everybody loves a loser
So you’ll be fine, you won’t be lonely long”
I really like this Dandy Warhols song called “Love Is The New Feel Awful”… it’s just these vague, depressing lyrics and it’s like seven minutes long.
I made this “Love is Pointless” playlist on iTunes. It’s hella depressing, but I really don’t know what else to listen to. I downloaded some sort of cool bands, but I’m just not really into them. New Young Pony Club songs are too nuanced… the main thing that I’ve been listening to is the new Scissor Sisters album.
Often on the bus, I just sort of stare into space and think “what am I even doing with my life?”
And I have no idea.
Those who ride public transit have no dreams.
Tonight I downloaded Firefly, that short-lived sci-fi series that Becky brought over one time. It’s really good. I mean, compared with season after season of progressively more improbable Star Trek: Voyager episodes, I have no idea how Firefly got canceled.
I started this really depressing vein of thought when I was at the Tower Cafe with Christen. We’re adults.
There’s nothing else to look forward to. Everything we have now is what we are going to have for the rest of our lives. Getting coffee, going out to eat… there’s nothing left to strive for. I don’t know.
I actually had a rather wonderful day. It was really beautiful and sunny out, albeit a bit cold, and I did a good job at work. I was really reminded of that Röyksopp song “Beautiful Day Without You,” which is about this guy who realizes that through all the arguments, him and his significant other just belong apart and he’s okay with it.
Even though I’m having days that are sort of objectively okay…I just feel like I’m not having much fun.
I’ve eaten breakfast at the American River College cafeteria three times this week, listened to everyone’s inane conversations about parties…I feel like I’m in this interminable Bret Easton Ellis novel.
I mean, when me and Christen go out we have loads of fun, I feel like a missing out on having sort of like… a clique. You know? Like the gang used to be, before…well…I have no fucking clue what happened. But still. I had this fantasy that I was going to need a whole bunch of cool people at the college and me and Christen would be the sexy bitches that everybody wanted.
Lately, I just feel unloved and stranded.
I’m sure having a car will fix that…me and Christen are going down to the Vespa dealership tomorrow, and I implore the spirits to enable me to get the damn thing. I only need like a $3,000 loan. Well, we’ll see.
I should probably go to sleep. I have an acute case of the hiccups and it’s interfering with the voice-recognition.
I wish I could say that I don’t know how you feel. I am even regretting saying that I feel the same because I feel like I am watering down what you wrote. But I want you to know that I at least understand. I wish more than anything that I could help. I can only say, “I’m here if you need me.”
I was hoping no one would openly admit this. Now we have to face it.
This is probably one of the best posts I’ve read on your blog, Arthur. I have to say, in my defense for a few of these…
—Fast food sucks, but you eat what you’re given. I enjoy days I don’t have to rely on fast food or eating at a restaurant. There’s nothing like a home cooked meal (hence the pot roast I made that one night)
—The “endlessly wear the same clothes” thing…I don’t think I’ve ever seen you not wear a suit when you’re around me. I mean, I usually wear the same thing (washed, of course) when I go out in public because most of my clothes are 1,000 miles away in a house I probably won’t be going back to anytime soon. So I’m stuck with what I can purchase on a meager salary (hence my lack of fashion, if you will).
I have to say, from experience, that being endlessly ill like headaches and stomachaches are actually signs of depression in most people.
I’m slowly starting to like the new blog design. It still sucks having to read it like this, but it makes commenting easier.
I love Firefly. Have you seen Serenity?