ouch.
It’s around one in the morning and I have this splitting headache.
It is made worse by staring at this screen, but I want to say something.
I feel like I’ve been hiding from my feelings. I have sort of written Adrian out of my life, and he did have an impact on me. I’ve been having a lot of dreams where I’m cuddling with my exes during the time when we were so in love…maybe it’s that V-day is approaching, but still…I mean, all the people that you’ve loved so deeply and wanted to spend the rest of your life with and they just turn out to be insane assholes…what’s the point?
I can’t even imagine the kind of guy I’d like to be with right now.
I’ve been feeling oddly sentimental about Patrick lately…we talk a lot lately. Well, we always talked a lot. Did I mention he’s coming to visit in a few months? I know this is the refrain of everyone, but I just want to snuggle up next to someone.
Someone who isn’t so…Byzantine about sex. I’m sorry, guys, but sex is a big part of any relationship. Without that component, it all falls apart. An ex of mine who will remain unnamed was just so…well…Catholic about sex. It was never about discovering what gave each other pleasure, it was about guilt. Everything had to be about guilt. And about that he was better than me for not watching porn. Every guy that thinks that they are cultured for eschewing video porn for nifty.org (text-based) porn is pretentious. To everybody in the fucking world, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that guilt didn’t turn me on. I’m sorry that I enjoy being spontaneous and honest about what I want to do. I don’t think talking about sex should be taboo. He did. And fuck that.
I guess I just can’t say this enough. For all my “fuck Adrian” mask, there’s a part of me that loves him so deeply I would almost give anything to be with him again. I know, I know…you all know he’s insane. I mean, God…I’m so embarrassed for the Chico incident, the Kelly’s house incident (I’d lost count of those), the Naked Coffee incident….
God, my brain feels like it’s being stabbed with a million needles through my eyes. I just turned the contrast and brightness all the way down on my monitor, that helps a bit. Still…fuck. I don’t know what to say. I feel like I’ve completely shut down emotionally…I can’t respond to e-mails, I can’t do my homework…all I can do is hang out with Christen and pretend that my life is peachy keen when I think that I’ve been sublimating my despair. I always imagined myself crying my eyes out for him, calling and begging him to come back to me, but I’ve transcended that. All I can feel is contempt and loneliness.
I just don’t know what it’s like to be him…adopting all his history it’s hard being me. I mean, doesn’t he wake up every morning (and I can picture this clear as crystal) and just say “woo, how can I be the most crazy today?” I mean, I would think I was the crazy one if everyone I knew didn’t agree with me. God, I have stories. He’s the master of reverse psychology…it’s just a subset of his customer service mind games…I don’t think he does any of it intentionally, though. The day I do believe that is the day that I lose faith in the entire human endeavor.
I’m humiliated and I am shamed. But still. I was wearing this pair of pants that I sort of adopted from him and it just flashed in my mind how good he looked in them and this trip that we took to Ansel Hoffman park when he was wearing them and I just wanted to kill myself.
Six months with him…what did I get? What am I now?
I don’t know how to finish college. I don’t know how to live. I don’t know how I’m going to pay for my higher education without taking out loans.
This week I was considering becoming a community college dropout. Do a bunch of drugs, fall into the club scene of booze and sex and HIV…but that’s not me. It never will be. I just don’t understand how the whole world just goes on fucking and drinking and snorting and shooting up and going to boring jobs day after day after day.
I feel like my life is slipping by. I’ve been in Sacramento for six months. What the fuck do I have to show for it? I haven’t made any friends here…if anything I have less friends here than when I started. Christen is the only person I hang out with any more. I have no idea what to say to Kelly and even less of an idea what to say to Becky. I see her online all the time, but I just…don’t know. I feel like I can’t relate to Kelly or Becky any more. That the person that I once knew is somewhere deep inside the skin…under a cocoon. But I must look the very same to them. What is there to talk about in my life? We’re all so busy…I just can’t remember the last time I was happy that didn’t involve Christen or Patrick.
Okay, it’s one and my head is pounding so I’m going to do a “drunk text” and just spill the beans: I’m sort of in love with Patrick. I know, I know, you say, you only met him once for like five minues…but still. He’s been there for me…more than anyone. I don’t really know why I like him so much. We just…get along, which is more than I could ever say for anyone I’ve dated. For the past few weeks, when I’m falling asleep, I just imagine him holding me, and everything just sort of feels all right.
*takes two more ibuprofen*
I just miss being loved and having someone to do nice things for. Doing romantic things for Adrian just seemed like a rediculous proposition. There was no telling what kind of a mood he’d be in and I would probably just end up crying. He used that once in an argument we had. He said that Hannah/Nick was a better person than me because he would never expect to wake up to breakfast in bed from me or something like that. Hannah would usually give Adrian a few hundred bucks whenever she came through town, so that might have tipped the scales a bit. I don’t know why I feel the need to re-hash all of this. The tidy way to sew all this bullshit up into a neat and tidy little package sealed with a bow is to just say that Adrian is crazy. Which is, of couse, true…but that’s not the whole story. He’s as loving, charming, and giving as he is malicious, hurtful, and needy. The crucial difference between him and everybody else is that he’s nice only about forty percent of the time. And even during that forty percent, you can’t tell whether he’s being sarcastic or not.
I’ve been watching Firefly all night…
and I need to go to sleep
I guess what I’m trying to say is…
falling in love with part of a person is more hurtful than hating all of a person.
And I am feeling SO lonely lately.
And that I’m stagnant.
I just need to get some sleep, that’s all.
Did I tell you I got Hello Kitty band-aids at Target? That’s the only good news of the night. Oh yeah, and I did my taxes. And cleaned my room and clothes. But those are only temporary victories.
What I need victory over is the nothingness of my life.
The Nausea.
