Monthly Archives: March 2007

Quelle heure est-il? 1

I’ve been having the most wonderful weekend!

I was feeling him down the dumps Thursday night, for a lot of reasons. One, that diner food that we got at Mel’s made me SO sick. Two, the obvious. Three, my friend Josh’s grandma who he was really close to died, which really brought me down thinking about which of my relatives is going to be next.

Enough about that. I got off of work Friday it was such a beautiful day. It’s still incredibly nice out. It’s not hot but it’s not cold either… it’s that kind of weather that if you stay out for a few hours, you get a little bit sweaty but not at all. It’s the kind of Sacramento weather I love.

The whole time and I was driving downtown to go to work I was thinking about that teahouse that Valerie had introduced us to a few weeks ago, the one on 16th and U, with the great smoothies.

I knew that my life would not be complete unless I had a smoothie for breakfast that morning, so I went down there (it’s relatively close to my work) and got this wonderful honeydew smoothie with tapioca. I was in heaven all morning. I loved it so much that after got off work I went back and the adorable little Asian lady that runs the place recommended this cranberry fruit thing that was just orgasmic. And the best thing is, you can get this massive delicious smoothie for like three bucks. The lady that was making the drink he noticed my helmet and she was telling me about how she loved riding scooters and that back in her country everyone rode either bikes or scooters. She really wanted to see my scooter, so she came outside and looked at and told me about how she was saving up to get a Vespa. I love little interactions like that!

I had this plan the whole time of getting my delicious smoothie and then going to capitol park to walk around and drink it, so I stowed it away in my trunk and headed down there. I absolutely love capitol park on a beautiful day. There are so many things blooming, it endlessly smells like jasmine and cherry blossoms. I called my mom and we talked for a while about relationships and our excitement about my upcoming visit. While I was talking to her, Annie called and we ended up rendezvousing at the park. I saw her first and hid behind this palm tree and jumped out and scared her. It was so funny!

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We saw this tree, and we fell in LOVE. We totally wanted to climb it, even though there was a huge sign that said not to. We kept talking about the tree all day, it was the tree of ages.

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I even made a panorama of the little garden we were in:

Capitol Park panorama

After taking a million pictures with our camera phones, we walked up towards the theater, as she had to rehearse that night, and stopped for a quick bite at Crepeville. A seriously only buy smoothies and mochas and chais. I never actually eat food. I had an Italian soda and she had this delicious almond mocha thing. We had a long talk about her ex Jeremy and how he delighted in pretending to be what he wasn’t. And, of course, we read our Sacramento News & Review horoscopes, which were (as usual) dead-on.

It’s not on their web site, but was really funny. It was something like “You need to stop being such a hipster and identify in your will which things you actually like genuinely and which you only like ironically.” :)

We were in the outdoor seating at Crepeville, and the sun was setting behind us. Traffic was flowing by…it just seemed like one of those restaurant scenes in a movie.

We continued up towards the theater, and Annie met with her director. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with the rest of my evening, so I texted Mark, and he blew me off in a subtle way. I was going home, and I had gotten as far as Alhambra when I was like “Fuck it, I’m going to have a great time tonight.”

I had always wondered what was at the end of West Capitol Ave. (the main street of West Sacramento), so I decided that tonight was perfect night to investigate this mystery of the Sacramento universe. It turns out that the street turns right into I-80, but the drive was really fun. I was almost the only vehicle on the road, until I saw this limo pull out a one of the slummy housing projects (my voice-recognition typed “salami housing projects” ;). The limo seemed totally normal, until it passed me and I could see inside of it. There were like 10 of those things that are above Borg alcoves, the light circle things the you can get at Spencer’s. It was just really cool and out of place. It was really nice to just be able to take night drive. There are just certain moods that cannot be assuaged without a night drive.

Oddly enough, I got back to the theater right when Annie was done with her coaching session. We stood outside and talked for a while, and then decided to hit up True Love. As soon as we got there, however, her director called and said that everyone wanted to get together to practice some of the group scenes in the play. So, we made the trek back to the theater (like three blocks), and headed over to Megan and Steve’s. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned them, but Megan is the person who lent me this leather jacket a week or so ago, which I have been wearing on all my scooter jaunts. It will protect my skin from demise if I fall off my scooter. They have this cool house a few blocks from Annie’s place in West Sac, and are really cool people. They are one of the few couples I know that actually have a real social life outside of their relationship.

So we went over there and had a lively conversation, until Steve came out with these incredible boots. He had been talking about this pair of boots that he thought I would look good in for like two or three weeks, and they were SO great. It’s like they were made for me, they make me look like such a sexy beast, I can’t even believe it. I seriously could not take them off. And the amazing thing was, they gave them to me!

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Steve baked these oddly delicious chocolate carrot cake things while everyone practiced their monologues until like midnight.

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I ended up crashing at Annie’s. Me and Annie are horrible. We can never get to sleep, because we just keep talking. I don’t remember what we’re talking out but there was this one thing that we bust up laughing at. I was telling her this story about my childhood and I was like, “I’m doing air quotes under the covers” and at that moment it was the funniest thing in the world.

I woke up there in the afternoon. Amanda was getting ready to go get bus passes downtown, and we left around the same time.

When I got home, my grandma had left me a sarcastic note about cleaning up. I was seething with anger for like a second, and then was like “well, at least I’m not surprised.” She comes into my room when I’m not here and puts mail on my computer chair. I wanted to leave her a note saying “I have a grand solution, why don’t you just not go in my room, you meddling bitch!”

But after I thought that, I sort of felt sorry for her because I’m the only person she can really scold. John (crazy alcholic uncle) is just beyond help, so she has to take it out on someone. I guess she cruised up and down the Mississippi. Yawn. America bores me.

So tonight, Annie, Megan, Steve, (possibly Val), and I are going down to Badlands, the new Sacramento club that’s opening this weekend! I was getting ready to get into the shower this morning and I was sort of confused that I had a social life and was able to make new friends with no drama, and then it hit me like a freight train. Oh yeah, I’m not dating someone who’s a socially retarded compulsive liar!

My life rocks. I’m going to have something to eat and then I’m probably going to go back downtown just because I hate hanging out here. The weather is just getting better every day. I hope it’s still like this when Patrick gets here on Monday. We are going to have so much fun! I can’t wait!

Just another ex-boyfriend on your list 0

But I should have thought of that before we kissed.

I hope I hold a special place with the rest of them
And you know it makes me sick to be on that list
But I should have thought of that before we kissed

You say you’re gonna burn before you mellow
I will be the one to burn you
Why’d you have to go and pick me?
When you knew that we were different, completely

The end

Your wildness scares me
So does your freedom

I find myself trying to change you
If you were meant to be my lover I wouldn’t have to

We keep repeating mistakes for souvenirs
And we’ve been in between the days for years

And I know that when I see you I’m going to die
I know I’m going to want you and you know why

It’s going to kill me to see you with the next girl
‘Cause I’m the most gorgeously jealous kind of ex

But I should have thought of that before we kissed…

For your pleasure, at your leisure, use your evil, when you want 1

It’s one o’clock in the morning and I’m watching The Matrix, for the first time in years.

I must’ve watched that movie like every day of my freshman year of high school. I remember one month where I did watch it at least once a day.

It is so strange to watch it now as an MPEG-4, nestled among my many windows on my ultramodern Mac. I am having flashbacks to me and my mom’s house in Crescent City and our old TV. I think it’s time for a flashback picture!

This is me my freshmen year of high school. And that’s my adorable cat Yoda!

Me studying with my kitty Yoda!

Class was really boring today… we watched this Miracle of Life-esque video…it was very lame. I went home and watched a shit ton of Earth: Final Conflict. I’m almost done with the second season and it is getting so damn tedious. There are a few good episodes, but all of the endless bickering between Da’an and Zo’or is so freaking annoying. It’s like, just enslave humanity or don’t. Stop bickering! It’s like you’re married, and your race hasn’t reproduced for 1,000 years. Yeah, it is exactly like you’re married!

As I watch this movie, I’m amazed that Keanu Reeves can even speak the lines. It’s like… English isn’t his first language. It’s like he learns them syllable by syllable.

Me and Christen had a rather fun night. I’ve drove down to the mall and talked to Patrick on the phone for a while, then came in and said hi to Christen at her work. After she got off, we went down to the Mel’s in Roseville that we all used to go to and we had a long talk about relationships, Dan (her new beau in San Deigo), sex, megalomaniacs, and the meaning of life.

When each of us was saying something really ribald or revealing, the waitress was ALWAYS walking by us. It was SO damn funny, the things she overheard. I’m sure she didn’t care, but it was still funny.

I don’t know why I liked this movie (I’m still watching The Matrix in the background). 18 minutes in, and I’m tremendously bored, even when I’m only devoting about 20% of my attention to it. I think I just need to fast-forward to the lobby scene and go to sleep. Okay, fast-forwarded to the first mission. Not bad. I just thought to myself “I wish they would’ve made a sequel to this,” and then I flashed back to watching the next two in the trilogy and how horrible they were.

I just put on some random upbeat music and turn off the sound on the movie…this makes it sound like a comedy, I love it. The back of my mind has just been subtly churning ever since the most recent Adrian incident. I mean, what the fuck was that? It felt incredible, but…it was wrong…but…that’s the way he is. Weird.

Well, I was successful at one of my two goals for this week. I cried like a baby, but I didn’t go get tested. I am deathly afraid of it.

I’ve been instant messaging Adrian all night and I am no closer to finding out why I feel such pain. He describes the new girlfriend as “brilliant, dedidacted, unwavering, umselfish, uncruel, beautofil, happyl , real, unafraid? just for the beginnijg” [sic].

Dagger in my heart. As cliché as that metaphor is, it’s true.

We were not meant for each other. I need to repeat all the reasons that we would never work over and over and over but that doesn’t stop me from desperately wanting to hold him.

I had a great day today. A fun drive down to Arden Fair, witty and lascivious conversations at Mel’s with one of my best friends…but it all seems hollow. I now know why people do drugs. Tonight, I was thinking: “Is this all there is? Ever?”

It’s a horrible thought.

One I try to push to the back of my mind whenever possible.

how handy 0

I’m glad I discovered how to pair my phone last night, because my wi-fi died today and the wireless router is in a room that my grandma locked up to go on her cruise. I guess I’ll have to survive on EDGE until Saturday or so. Well, worse things have happened. I’m sucking up major bandwidth from T-Mobile. It’s payback for not using my data plan excessively.

oh my GAWD!!! 0

I just got Internet sharing working via Bluetooth on my T-Mobile Dash.

Okay, this might seem esoteric, but now no matter where I am if I get cell service and I have a laptop, I can pair the laptop with my phone and use the phone’s EDGE (cell-tower based Internet) for the computer. I am actually posting this using my phone’s Internet connection connected to my Mac Mini.

This is so damn incredible! It was the latest Mac OS update, 10.4.9, that made it possible. I am in LOVE with my Dash now. And I absolutely NEED a laptop, because now I have data access ANYWHERE, even where there’s no wi-fi! W00t!

MCP 0

I just watched Tron for the first time, and I’m amazed at how influential a film it has been. I picked up references from SO many things, South Park to Family Guy…it was great.

My bed is covered with stuff, as usual, and I don’t want to clear it off.

I feel profoundly alone.

Christen’s moving to San Diego

Kelly’s moving to Elk Grove

I am so damn introverted.

f@h 0

I just wanted to mention that I still do Folding@Home, that distributed computing project to solve cancer and such. I just wanted to say that a month or so ago they FINALLY released a client for Intel-based Macs. With all due respect, they had never made a folding engine that worked on multiple-cored processors, and all the new Macs are multicore, so I guess that’s why it took so long, but I’ve been running the beta client 24/7 since it’s been out and I’ve been cranking work units at a pace much brisker (we’re talking at least a factor of two) than my old single core 3.0GHz Pentium 4 830. I don’t have any stats as of yet, because the new client doesn’t show you the estimated times to finishing work units, like the Windows client did, and it is comparing apples to oranges in that both clients use completely different instruction sets, but the underlying theory is valid:

My Mac Mini, being all brushed aluminum and silent, kicks the ass of my old LED fan-encrusted Pentium box.

So, without further ado, I link to my Folding@Home team. Me and Joe created it years ago, and I made the neat little graphic. I’m really interested in who the other contributors are. I’m sure they’re people I know, but still. I’m curious! Is it you?

Well, if the impulse to use your spare processor power to cure cancer and other diseases, you can check out the program here.

whoa. I have found the smartphone of my dreams. 0

the HTC Advantage. *drool*

It’s called the HTC Advantage. They have it on T-Mobile Netherlands, why not in the U.S.?

  • 8GB hard drive.
  • 8 hour battery life.
  • 3G, Bluetooth 2.0 and Wi-Fi
  • Full keyboard.
  • Dual stereo speakers.
  • 5″ VGA touchscreen.
  • Built-in GPS with TomTom navigation software.
  • *orgasm*

    what am i supposed to do to keep from going under? 0

    I’m happy to report that my speech-recognition program is back up and running. It’s never the speech-recognition program itself that dies, it’s Parallels Desktop, my virtual machine application, that is finicky.

    I really wanted to write last night, so I just had to suck it up and Advil my way through a post. But today, by a combination of the new version of Parallels and this souped-up, stripped down install of windows that I learned about yesterday so now I have a slick, voice-recognition machine.

    I’m just rather excited today. The panel in my human sexuality class went swimmingly. I was so surprised. It was me, Christen, and this other really cool girl up there. When I get really stressed out, and that making a lot of jokes, and I made a class bust up a few times. I love the things I come up with when I’m stressed. “…it ended up being this love tetrahedron” was one of my favorites.

    A lot of the girls were really interested in the fact that my last ex was dating a girl now. Christen had some really cool things to say about discrimination and such. I felt really good afterwards… it was the sort of soul bearing that I do daily in my blog, but literally to an audience.

    I’ve been getting a really strong urge to play Diablo II again, but I know that I shouldn’t. My wrists hurt already. I just hate not having a fantasy life anymore. I need to start writing again. I’m just really afraid of being called ridiculous. The first two chapters of the sci-fi novel I wrote when I was in high school are laughable when I read them now, but I love certain descriptions and sentences that took me months come up with. Me and Kelly work going to try to stimulate each other to write by posting short stories in this blog, but that didn’t really work. I need to take another creative writing class.

    It makes you feel validated, when your story is the least ridiculous of the lot. And even if it is ridiculous, it’s good when yours is one of the best written. I keep flashing back to my creative writing class. There was this one story where the writer only identified any of the characters by their hair color. No other details were provided about what they looked like. It was the most horrible story I had ever read. Well, with the obvious exception of the one by Angela Guthrie *shudder*.

    My damn chair broke today. It was one of those five dollar IKEA ones, and I was sort of, um, trying to recline in a non-reclining plastic chair, so I can’t say I’m surprised, but I have to go and get a new one home somehow. I’ll have to bungee cord it to my back, lol.

    This stupid thing kills my back. I should go out and do something. Some dance dance revolution seems to be in order. I’ve been rocking out to this retarded song by Junior Senior all day. It’s so damn catchy, though.

    I’ve been thinking a bit more about what happened with Adrian. Even though it was what I wanted, the moral implications of the situation were a recapitulation of why we could never be in a long-term relationship.

    Me and Christen were talking about the similarities in what happened a few days ago and what happened to Christen when her uber ex Chris visited a month or so. We were talking about all of the bitchy girls that would leave comments on Chris’s profile hating Christen for dating him. I’m sure everyone that dated him thought they had some kind of special connection with him. And, I mean, I guess it’s true, if they dated… but what is so “special” about a relationship? Is it your inside jokes? Is it your memories? Is it sexual compatibility?

    Well, I’m off to go do something athletic. Haven’t decided between DDR and a jog.

    so. 2

    This morning I found myself in front of Adrian’s house.

    It was so surreal. I took off my helmet, took out my phone, and called him. He had just woken up, and he came to open the front door for me. We made small talk while he made coffee for us, and we went down into his room.

    He lent me this book on zombies, and we exchanged little bits of old inside jokes. It was nice to laugh with him.

    I had felt horrible the night before, I remember my heart pounding and feeling like I was having a panic attack. When I would close my eyes, I felt this pain in my chest like my heart was going to implode…I knew what it was from, and I couldn’t get away from it until I fell asleep.

    Adrian said that he hadn’t given me a hug since I’d come over, and the moment my arms were around him, something broke inside me. For months I would have given anything to be with him again, even though I knew it was a bad idea, and the pain of his completely cutting me off was so hard to bear. I started sobbing…but he kept holding me. Somehow we ended up sitting on the end of his bed, me still sobbing and him comforting me…I must have cried for a half-hour. Just when I thought it was going away, I flashed back to our last and first days together, and I kept sobbing.

    I told him that I hadn’t wanted it to end like this, and that when we started seeing each other I had told him that there was going to be a time where I would want to hold him so badly but I wouldn’t be able to, and that it had happened.

    I remember he was saying really nice things to me, and I eventually stopped crying. I would stop, but then realize that this would probably be the last time I was in his arms, and it would just make me break once more. I don’t know how long it took, but eventually I had cried out all the pain and told him everything I had wanted to. I felt so presumptuous…making such a scene like that, but I loved him. I love him. I always will.

    Love tore us apart. Damn Joy Division.

    I didn’t want to let go of him, because I knew it would be the last time. He had been kissing me softly on the neck, and I wanted so badly to feel his lips again, but I couldn’t…I kept thinking of the girlfriend…that it would be inappropriate of me, but it just happened, and I wanted to kill myself for doing the things I had done. I had wanted to just kiss him one more time, and it happened. I just…couldn’t believe…anything. The rest of the world meant nothing. It was just me and him. I want to live in that memory forever.

    I did have to go to work that day, and although it was like pulling shrapnel out of my heart, I gave him one last kiss and we walked out to my scooter.

    I ended up hugging him goodbye twice (I am such a sentimental fool). As I was about to ride away, he told me he loved me, and I told him I loved him too.

    The rest of the day at work I was an automaton. I was devoting 2% of my brain to work, and the rest was still trying to put everything together. Today shattered a lot of my pent-up despair and longing, but that doesn’t mean it’s gone…they’re now scattered everywhere in my psyche like broken glass.

    Adrian left today to go to Boston to see his cousin for a month.

    I have no idea what any of this means.

    I don’t know about anything.

    I listened to the Blade Runner soundtrack all day. Nothing else seemed appropriate.

    I feel like I’m a replicant, like I’m in another world…in my own bell jar, but it’s not suffocating…it’s being behind the glass. Nobody knows what this is. Nobody ever will.

    I just have to be Albert Camus.

    Sartre.

    Pris.

    Rachel.

    Christen.

    Anybody but me.

    I just don’t know if I’ll ever get to the castle beyond the goblin city.