the diary of antoine roquentin

I actually had a good night. I woke up at Annie’s after a night of True Love-ing it up with Megan and Steve, this cool couple that Annie met through the theater group that puts on The Vagina Monologues.

I barely made it to class (one minute to spare!) and it was “gay” day, where the teacher went on her soap box about how you can’t change your orientation and all this stuff. It was sort of embarrassing, like being the only black person in a class when you’re studying civil rights. I dunno. I went home, laid in the hammock (it was rather warm today), talked on the phone with Patrick (he is coming! w00t!), and chatted with my mom. She’s trying to capture the stray cats in the neighborhood to get them spayed…it wasn’t going well.

I watched a bunch more Star Trek TNG. Season five continues to rock. My phone rings. It’s my aunt Kathy (Kelly’s mom). I was astounded that she called, and she invited me to come over and hang out with a few of her friends from the rehab place. Yes, it seems sketchy, but they were all really nice.

We hung out, ate Chinese food, and ended up watching The Birds until like 2 a.m. It was my first time seeing it, and I am so in love with Hitchcock!

Kathy looked so different than she had months ago. She was talking, smiling, laughing and just seemed so there. It was something I had really missed. She is totally my surrogate mother, and it was just so great to see her be better.

OK, I know it’s bad to gossip about Adrian, but I’m bitter and I can’t help it. He got SO mad at me this one time I talked about chatting with people from iChatGay. One of my friends that is on it got a message from someone that seemed eerily familiar:

Christ.

This week I was feeling that horrible feeling of missing the fuzzy Adrian that was nice to me and would do nice things for me and would snuggle with me for days. But that’s only like 40% of the real person. God, he THRIVES on drama. It is his life blood. How could I not have seen it? I am such a douche hat. And I’m playing right into it.

He was supposed to be the love of my life, we were supposed to live this perfect life together. Why? Why did it have to end. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I realized I’d still be with him if he hadn’t ended it. There’s something I need that I can’t get from anyone (except, oddly enough, Christen) that he provided in my life. Fuck. I just miss being in love. I just miss being able to look in the mirror when we both were getting ready and say to myself “I’m dating this guy. This is fucking incredible!”

But yeah. I just have to remember the Molly incident. The Kelly’s house incidents. He has no social skills and no morals. But…it…doesn’t…stop…me…from…still…loving…him.

I’m a horrible person.

And when I see that he’s in a new relationship that makes me SO MUCH ANGRIER THAN I CAN EVEN FATHOM. My subconsious is just SCREAMING “HE IS MINE! MINE.” It awakens this primal thing in me when I think of someone else touching that body that I know so well. I mean, we were together for six months…I daydream a lot, about all the places we had sex, all the different things we did together…I need to move on. I need to not think about it. It just burns me so badly that he’s putting on this front that he’s not hurting at all.

Or, in my darkest view of the world, that it’s not a front, and that he just doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself and wants to drag everyone into hell with him.

Am I just being black metal? ‘Cause it still fucking feels like he’s sawing away at my heart whenever I see his facebook status as “in a relationship.”

I seriously need to write a bot program for a witty, intelligent guy that will chat with me on AIM and pretend to be my boyfriend.

But I can’t write code from scratch, I can only fix it when it breaks (well, except for XML, HTML, and ActionScript).

And no matter how hard I’ve fought it, I’ll confess: I feel used, alone, and like I would do anything to be back with him. That’s why I’m crying in all my dreams of him…pleading for him to take me back.

I hope you’re fucking happy, Adrian.

but I know you don’t care.

Categories: Ennui