Daily Archives: March 26, 2007

so. 2

This morning I found myself in front of Adrian’s house.

It was so surreal. I took off my helmet, took out my phone, and called him. He had just woken up, and he came to open the front door for me. We made small talk while he made coffee for us, and we went down into his room.

He lent me this book on zombies, and we exchanged little bits of old inside jokes. It was nice to laugh with him.

I had felt horrible the night before, I remember my heart pounding and feeling like I was having a panic attack. When I would close my eyes, I felt this pain in my chest like my heart was going to implode…I knew what it was from, and I couldn’t get away from it until I fell asleep.

Adrian said that he hadn’t given me a hug since I’d come over, and the moment my arms were around him, something broke inside me. For months I would have given anything to be with him again, even though I knew it was a bad idea, and the pain of his completely cutting me off was so hard to bear. I started sobbing…but he kept holding me. Somehow we ended up sitting on the end of his bed, me still sobbing and him comforting me…I must have cried for a half-hour. Just when I thought it was going away, I flashed back to our last and first days together, and I kept sobbing.

I told him that I hadn’t wanted it to end like this, and that when we started seeing each other I had told him that there was going to be a time where I would want to hold him so badly but I wouldn’t be able to, and that it had happened.

I remember he was saying really nice things to me, and I eventually stopped crying. I would stop, but then realize that this would probably be the last time I was in his arms, and it would just make me break once more. I don’t know how long it took, but eventually I had cried out all the pain and told him everything I had wanted to. I felt so presumptuous…making such a scene like that, but I loved him. I love him. I always will.

Love tore us apart. Damn Joy Division.

I didn’t want to let go of him, because I knew it would be the last time. He had been kissing me softly on the neck, and I wanted so badly to feel his lips again, but I couldn’t…I kept thinking of the girlfriend…that it would be inappropriate of me, but it just happened, and I wanted to kill myself for doing the things I had done. I had wanted to just kiss him one more time, and it happened. I just…couldn’t believe…anything. The rest of the world meant nothing. It was just me and him. I want to live in that memory forever.

I did have to go to work that day, and although it was like pulling shrapnel out of my heart, I gave him one last kiss and we walked out to my scooter.

I ended up hugging him goodbye twice (I am such a sentimental fool). As I was about to ride away, he told me he loved me, and I told him I loved him too.

The rest of the day at work I was an automaton. I was devoting 2% of my brain to work, and the rest was still trying to put everything together. Today shattered a lot of my pent-up despair and longing, but that doesn’t mean it’s gone…they’re now scattered everywhere in my psyche like broken glass.

Adrian left today to go to Boston to see his cousin for a month.

I have no idea what any of this means.

I don’t know about anything.

I listened to the Blade Runner soundtrack all day. Nothing else seemed appropriate.

I feel like I’m a replicant, like I’m in another world…in my own bell jar, but it’s not suffocating…it’s being behind the glass. Nobody knows what this is. Nobody ever will.

I just have to be Albert Camus.

Sartre.

Pris.

Rachel.

Christen.

Anybody but me.

I just don’t know if I’ll ever get to the castle beyond the goblin city.

Categories: Ennui

Published:
March 26, 2007 – 11:29 pm
Author:
By A.

the battle in my mind still fights me 0

Seriously, all I can do is listen to Shiny Toy Guns these days. I had a rather fun afternoon. I slept in at Annie’s house until about 11:30, then I went downtown to meet Annie, Amanda, and Valerie (another cast member from the theatre production that Annie is in) at this cool teahouse place on 16th and U called Zeno’s. We had these really great smoothies with tapioca. Mine tasted great, but laid on my stomach for the rest of the day.

After the teahouse, I went and parked my bike on J Street and walked towards the rest of the gang, who were on foot. I guess they had been walking around all morning. Without even calling, we rendezvoused on 21st. Annie had to do some rehearsing at the theater, so me and Amanda accompanied Valerie to go check out this apartment that she was interested in.

It was a really beautiful day, not too warm but balmy enough so that it was a relief to be under the shade of the ubiquitous trees. The apartment was so-so, the girl that was renting it was going on about all of these weird permutations of how the deposit worked out (it was very steep). After that, we walked down towards the main drag and ended up at this pizza place across from the downtown Washington Mutual. I have walked down a street hundreds of times but I never noticed it. They have no sign, Valerie was saying that it was one of those places that is popularized by word-of-mouth. I really liked the waitress there, she was very punk rock.

We munched on our pizza and talked about acting and the Sacramento area film scene, and then walked down to the theatre to join Annie (the two of them were going to help Annie rehearse some of the group scenes for the play). When we got there, Annie shooed us outside, so we chatted for a while and ended up having our own sidewalk dance party with my portable speakers. After that, we started practicing our model walks (Amanda’s is perfect).

The ended up practicing one of the scenes a few times, and then everyone was really tired so we all took a nap until like 11 p.m. I got out of bed, and I guess Annie was just sort of lying there too, ’cause we got up and surfed MySpace for a while, looking at some of my old photos on Flickr, and I randomly added Adrian as a friend on Facebook.

I instant messaged him later in the night about something else random, and we talked for a long time. It’s uncanny how much we have in common and how well we know each other. Long story short, I’m going over there tomorrow morning to sort of say goodbye, since he’s going to Boston for a month or so. I really have no idea whether it’s a good idea or not, but I do feel a bit more closure since we’ve been talking. I think the brunt of my angst was that he just completely cut me off.

I was thinking about it today, and I never cried after we broke up. I felt horrible, but I would never let myself get to that point because I felt I would never be able to stop. I feel the tears. They are waiting… but I don’t know for what. I hate being a guy sometimes. I hate being conditioned to never cry. It’s damn hard to do it after years of repression.

That should be my goal this week: to cry. Also, to get tested for HIV.

I’ve been putting it off for a long time. Hell, I could even kill two birds with one stone. Get diagnosed as positive, and cry all week.

I just feel this sort of abject dispair that I rarely feel. I should lie down.

Categories: Ennui

Published:
March 26, 2007 – 2:42 am
Author:
By A.