so.

by A.

This morning I found myself in front of Adrian’s house.

It was so surreal. I took off my helmet, took out my phone, and called him. He had just woken up, and he came to open the front door for me. We made small talk while he made coffee for us, and we went down into his room.

He lent me this book on zombies, and we exchanged little bits of old inside jokes. It was nice to laugh with him.

I had felt horrible the night before, I remember my heart pounding and feeling like I was having a panic attack. When I would close my eyes, I felt this pain in my chest like my heart was going to implode…I knew what it was from, and I couldn’t get away from it until I fell asleep.

Adrian said that he hadn’t given me a hug since I’d come over, and the moment my arms were around him, something broke inside me. For months I would have given anything to be with him again, even though I knew it was a bad idea, and the pain of his completely cutting me off was so hard to bear. I started sobbing…but he kept holding me. Somehow we ended up sitting on the end of his bed, me still sobbing and him comforting me…I must have cried for a half-hour. Just when I thought it was going away, I flashed back to our last and first days together, and I kept sobbing.

I told him that I hadn’t wanted it to end like this, and that when we started seeing each other I had told him that there was going to be a time where I would want to hold him so badly but I wouldn’t be able to, and that it had happened.

I remember he was saying really nice things to me, and I eventually stopped crying. I would stop, but then realize that this would probably be the last time I was in his arms, and it would just make me break once more. I don’t know how long it took, but eventually I had cried out all the pain and told him everything I had wanted to. I felt so presumptuous…making such a scene like that, but I loved him. I love him. I always will.

Love tore us apart. Damn Joy Division.

I didn’t want to let go of him, because I knew it would be the last time. He had been kissing me softly on the neck, and I wanted so badly to feel his lips again, but I couldn’t…I kept thinking of the girlfriend…that it would be inappropriate of me, but it just happened, and I wanted to kill myself for doing the things I had done. I had wanted to just kiss him one more time, and it happened. I just…couldn’t believe…anything. The rest of the world meant nothing. It was just me and him. I want to live in that memory forever.

I did have to go to work that day, and although it was like pulling shrapnel out of my heart, I gave him one last kiss and we walked out to my scooter.

I ended up hugging him goodbye twice (I am such a sentimental fool). As I was about to ride away, he told me he loved me, and I told him I loved him too.

The rest of the day at work I was an automaton. I was devoting 2% of my brain to work, and the rest was still trying to put everything together. Today shattered a lot of my pent-up despair and longing, but that doesn’t mean it’s gone…they’re now scattered everywhere in my psyche like broken glass.

Adrian left today to go to Boston to see his cousin for a month.

I have no idea what any of this means.

I don’t know about anything.

I listened to the Blade Runner soundtrack all day. Nothing else seemed appropriate.

I feel like I’m a replicant, like I’m in another world…in my own bell jar, but it’s not suffocating…it’s being behind the glass. Nobody knows what this is. Nobody ever will.

I just have to be Albert Camus.

Sartre.

Pris.

Rachel.

Christen.

Anybody but me.

I just don’t know if I’ll ever get to the castle beyond the goblin city.