It’s one o’clock in the morning and I’m watching The Matrix, for the first time in years.

I must’ve watched that movie like every day of my freshman year of high school. I remember one month where I did watch it at least once a day.

It is so strange to watch it now as an MPEG-4, nestled among my many windows on my ultramodern Mac. I am having flashbacks to me and my mom’s house in Crescent City and our old TV. I think it’s time for a flashback picture!

This is me my freshmen year of high school. And that’s my adorable cat Yoda!

Class was really boring today… we watched this Miracle of Life-esque video…it was very lame. I went home and watched a shit ton of Earth: Final Conflict. I’m almost done with the second season and it is getting so damn tedious. There are a few good episodes, but all of the endless bickering between Da’an and Zo’or is so freaking annoying. It’s like, just enslave humanity or don’t. Stop bickering! It’s like you’re married, and your race hasn’t reproduced for 1,000 years. Yeah, it is exactly like you’re married!

As I watch this movie, I’m amazed that Keanu Reeves can even speak the lines. It’s like… English isn’t his first language. It’s like he learns them syllable by syllable.

Me and Christen had a rather fun night. I’ve drove down to the mall and talked to Patrick on the phone for a while, then came in and said hi to Christen at her work. After she got off, we went down to the Mel’s in Roseville that we all used to go to and we had a long talk about relationships, Dan (her new beau in San Deigo), sex, megalomaniacs, and the meaning of life.

When each of us was saying something really ribald or revealing, the waitress was ALWAYS walking by us. It was SO damn funny, the things she overheard. I’m sure she didn’t care, but it was still funny.

I don’t know why I liked this movie (I’m still watching The Matrix in the background). 18 minutes in, and I’m tremendously bored, even when I’m only devoting about 20% of my attention to it. I think I just need to fast-forward to the lobby scene and go to sleep. Okay, fast-forwarded to the first mission. Not bad. I just thought to myself “I wish they would’ve made a sequel to this,” and then I flashed back to watching the next two in the trilogy and how horrible they were.

I just put on some random upbeat music and turn off the sound on the movie…this makes it sound like a comedy, I love it. The back of my mind has just been subtly churning ever since the most recent Adrian incident. I mean, what the fuck was that? It felt incredible, but…it was wrong…but…that’s the way he is. Weird.

Well, I was successful at one of my two goals for this week. I cried like a baby, but I didn’t go get tested. I am deathly afraid of it.

I’ve been instant messaging Adrian all night and I am no closer to finding out why I feel such pain. He describes the new girlfriend as “brilliant, dedidacted, unwavering, umselfish, uncruel, beautofil, happyl , real, unafraid? just for the beginnijg” [sic].

Dagger in my heart. As cliché as that metaphor is, it’s true.

We were not meant for each other. I need to repeat all the reasons that we would never work over and over and over but that doesn’t stop me from desperately wanting to hold him.

I had a great day today. A fun drive down to Arden Fair, witty and lascivious conversations at Mel’s with one of my best friends…but it all seems hollow. I now know why people do drugs. Tonight, I was thinking: “Is this all there is? Ever?”

It’s a horrible thought.

One I try to push to the back of my mind whenever possible.