Seriously, all I can do is listen to Shiny Toy Guns these days. I had a rather fun afternoon. I slept in at Annie’s house until about 11:30, then I went downtown to meet Annie, Amanda, and Valerie (another cast member from the theatre production that Annie is in) at this cool teahouse place on 16th and U called Zeno’s. We had these really great smoothies with tapioca. Mine tasted great, but laid on my stomach for the rest of the day.
After the teahouse, I went and parked my bike on J Street and walked towards the rest of the gang, who were on foot. I guess they had been walking around all morning. Without even calling, we rendezvoused on 21st. Annie had to do some rehearsing at the theater, so me and Amanda accompanied Valerie to go check out this apartment that she was interested in.
It was a really beautiful day, not too warm but balmy enough so that it was a relief to be under the shade of the ubiquitous trees. The apartment was so-so, the girl that was renting it was going on about all of these weird permutations of how the deposit worked out (it was very steep). After that, we walked down towards the main drag and ended up at this pizza place across from the downtown Washington Mutual. I have walked down a street hundreds of times but I never noticed it. They have no sign, Valerie was saying that it was one of those places that is popularized by word-of-mouth. I really liked the waitress there, she was very punk rock.
We munched on our pizza and talked about acting and the Sacramento area film scene, and then walked down to the theatre to join Annie (the two of them were going to help Annie rehearse some of the group scenes for the play). When we got there, Annie shooed us outside, so we chatted for a while and ended up having our own sidewalk dance party with my portable speakers. After that, we started practicing our model walks (Amanda’s is perfect).
The ended up practicing one of the scenes a few times, and then everyone was really tired so we all took a nap until like 11 p.m. I got out of bed, and I guess Annie was just sort of lying there too, ’cause we got up and surfed MySpace for a while, looking at some of my old photos on Flickr, and I randomly added Adrian as a friend on Facebook.
I instant messaged him later in the night about something else random, and we talked for a long time. It’s uncanny how much we have in common and how well we know each other. Long story short, I’m going over there tomorrow morning to sort of say goodbye, since he’s going to Boston for a month or so. I really have no idea whether it’s a good idea or not, but I do feel a bit more closure since we’ve been talking. I think the brunt of my angst was that he just completely cut me off.
I was thinking about it today, and I never cried after we broke up. I felt horrible, but I would never let myself get to that point because I felt I would never be able to stop. I feel the tears. They are waiting… but I don’t know for what. I hate being a guy sometimes. I hate being conditioned to never cry. It’s damn hard to do it after years of repression.
That should be my goal this week: to cry. Also, to get tested for HIV.
I’ve been putting it off for a long time. Hell, I could even kill two birds with one stone. Get diagnosed as positive, and cry all week.
I just feel this sort of abject dispair that I rarely feel. I should lie down.
Categories: Ennui
