I’m always curious as to what other people’s workstations look like. Most of my friends I can picture because I’ve seen where they are typing back from when I’m IMing them, but I thought I’d share my newly cleaned desk. If you click on the photo and then mouse over it on the Flickr page, there’s notes as to what everything is.
Categories: Ennui
It is SUCH a Weezer day. And I didn’t discover it until 10:57 post meridian.
Well, Weezer and Dresden Dolls. But it’s always a Dresden Dolls day when you’re in my world. And always an Interpol day.
I’ve been looking for some new music today, but no matter what I try, I keep getting recommended things that are just out of the genre I like, or bands that I will not listen to just because they’re too trendy.
Meh. I’m trying out this blogging app called ecto. They want $19 for it, and I really can’t see it being that useful. Well, we’ll see. I’ve spent $20 on much stupider things.
Categories: Ennui
Now I’m at home, vaguely hung over and hating the fact that I’ve accomplished nothing today.
I’ve been talking to Matthew today, and every time I talk to him I get pissed off lately. We really have NOTHING in common. It’s all this ridiculous one-upmanship about each other’s blogs, and I am just SO sick of it. He annoys the shit out of me, and I knew this. It was me and Adrian’s plan to take him under our wing and turn him into a sociable human being, but it failed, as we thought it might.
Oh! And the greatest part was that he was insinuating that he’s more well-adjusted because he’s in a relationship. This coming from someone who wouldn’t even talk about Adrian for months.
What ever.
I need to stop talking to people who piss me off.
Oh yeah, the party! It was so fun! I was like an hour late due to St. Patrick’s Day traffic. I was coming from Annie’s house in West Sacramento where we had these incredible nachos that Amanda made and watched What Dreams May Come. I stopped at the Fair Oaks/Manzanita Safeway to get some tequila and ran into this woman from my work. It was really surreal to see her there. She introduced me to her boyfriend and such, and I was in total biker mode with my huge knee-high bondage boots and an immaculate outfit all in black.
The party was so fun, we played this cool drinking game with Kelly’s Suicide Girls playing cards and took a bunch of quirky pictures.
The next day Me, Kelly, Jesse, Becky, and her boyfriend Ben went down to the Cage. We got Starbucks and hung out for a while. Becky and Ben ended up leaving and going downtown. The rest of us went to Jesse’s house, went on MySpace for a while, and then went to Sunrise Mall for a bit, before heading out to Folsom where we dropped off Jesse, who is doing training for his new job there.
On the way back to Carmichael, me and Kelly had a good talk about our lives. I feel the unbearable lightness of being. I can do anything. That’s such a horrible thing. Sylvia Plath had this great metaphor in The Bell Jar…her life was like being in a giant fruit tree, were each piece of fruit was going to Europe or becoming a poet, but if you choose one piece of fruit then all of the others disappear and she ends up starving to death because she can’t decide.
I don’t know why I’m in school. It’s not like I particularly enjoy classes. I used to like school when I was in Crescent City. The class that I most looked forward to was my cinema class. It was a horrible class and a teacher knew nothing about the subject, but I would come up with a great outfit and then me and Sarah would say catty things to each other about the class the whole time.
You know those horrible, horrible thoughts that you have and then you immediately banish them and try forget that you ever had them, but you can’t? I was staring off into space as we drove to Citrus Heights and all of a sudden it flashed through my mind: what if Adrian was the nice guy all along and it was me. But no, everyone I know thinks he’s crazy. So, applying that do the Matt thing…everyone I talk to tells me that he is socially retarded, so it’s true, I guess.
Days like this it seems like a freaking miracle that we’re not in the middle of World War III. Every time I drive down this one street at night, I see this big group of people that look hella scary. I want to take another way, but that street is the only one that recognizes my scooter at the stop lights in the middle of the night. Everyone hates each other for inane reasons. They probably think I’m the essence of Whitey in a suit on a scooter.
Days like this I feel like it’s impossible to know anyone at all… that we are all stuck in this world where we can never really know anyone or have any sort of common ground in reality. Everyone to seems to be trying to rip off someone else or fuck someone else over. Me and my friends keep having these altercations with the cops, for no fucking reason. We are law-abiding people, but because we’re out at night all of a sudden we are criminals for opting out of society’s plan for getting married and having children and going to sleep by 7 p.m. every night. I hate living in a police state.
I don’t know… this year I have had too many of those moments where you realize that there is no such thing as reality. Most of them had to do with Adrian. The thing I’m realizing this week is that it was all over with Tod. That was pretty much the only guy for him, and none of the successive acts could ever measure up. What he needs is someone that will eat his bullshit up with a shovel and thank him for it, someone that will be his full-time caretaker and provider. The term “emotional vampire” comes close to describing him, but it’s not quite right. He doesn’t just suck your blood, he takes everything, if you let him.
Last night I had sort of a disturbing realization. I know that I can be very, very mean when I put my mind to it, and I said something really mean about Kelly and Jesse when I was drunk. Well, Becky and I were looking for two of the other people at the party who had disappeared. We went and looked out of the sliding glass door, and they weren’t there, so I said “they are both in the closet with Mallory.” So Becky was like “oh my God” and ran into the living room and told everyone, which I thought was a bit tattle tale-ish, but then I was like “Wow, I’m such an asshole.” It’s not like I didn’t do anything I regretted at that party.
I don’t know… it to seems like in the past there was always so much to talk about, but now there’s just nothing.
And not a good nothing, either. A horrible nothing where you wake up and you’re on death’s door and you’ve done nothing with your life.
I need to lose myself in college next semester. I’m going to be 22 this year. That freaks me the fuck out.
I need to take a shower and stop listening to Vive la Fête.
One more thing: when we went to Starbucks at the Cage there was this huge SUV in the parking lot with the words “Judgment Day is on its way” emblazoned in huge letters on the back of it. Inside the store, there was this guy that had “judgment” in big block letters on the back of his T-shirt. It was so amusing, partly because I was wearing my “nihilist” shirt and Jesse had on his “666″ hat. We wanted to say something to him, something to break him out of the fog of his insanity, but there was nothing we could do. Anything we could ever say would just reinforce his worldview even more.
The world’s such an absurd place.
And nowhere is it more absurd than in the cul-de-sac in which I live. First there’s all the people that come out of their houses to tell me that my scooter is going to get stolen (does anyone ever mind their own business? Ever?). Second, two days ago I got this frantic voicemail from my grandma saying that someone from the neighborhood was freaking out because I had parked my car in front of their house and I absolutely had to move it.
OK, last time I checked, parking a car on the sidewalk is fair game. It’s not even in front of their house. Not even close to their driveway. They are just freaking out for no fucking reason. I seriously want to go and leave notes under the windshield wipers of the cars they have parked in their driveway telling them that they need to be moved. I get thoughts like this all the time, but I have to stop myself. Escalating things is never a good idea, no matter how all ridiculous the argument.
So yeah… I need to get rid of that old car. I tried to jumpstart it and it doesn’t start at all any more. The battery is dead. Can you donate a nonworking car? I tried to find some information on the Internet about it, but I wasn’t very successful at all. Now I sort of feel an affinity towards the people that would leave cars on the side of the road in Del Norte County. What do you do with a dead car?
I want to blow it up or push it off a cliff, but that’s not practical. Eh, I’ll figure something out. I guess.
Today I find out that the bill pay I set up for my grandma to pay my Internet bill actually went through. I have $20 to last me until Friday. Bye-bye paycheck, hello overdraft fees!
Categories: Ennui
Tonight was so fun!
It didn’t turn out any of the ways that I imagined it to, but I had a great time nonetheless. I had a rather uneventful day at work, and was supposed to meet Molly at the Hard Rock Cafe at the K Street mall. It was a hot, sunny day, and we did rendezvous. Guess who, out of the millions in the greater Sacramento area, Matt and Molly and the gang saw? Yeah, Adrian. Isn’t that just insane?
After I found out I had gotten a parking ticket in front of the mall (fuck if I know how that happened), I went to find some more permanent parking for my Vespa, and then we went out to IKEA. Wandering through those stylish aisles, I felt the immediate need to nest.
I needed to get a full-time job so I could move downtown and fill an apartment with swank stuff. However, I settled for an adorable wastebasket and the desk lamp of my dreams. It fits perfectly onto my desk and does a perfect job of illuminating my keyboard without blinding me, as my former lamp which had no shade did. I think I might get some kind of funky bulb for it to bask my workstation in some cool color.
After IKEA, we tried to get reservations at Tapa the World, but it was booked. So instead, we went to this cool restaurant on 28th and N. I can’t remember what it was called (it started with a P), but the food was incredible. We were so hungry by the time we got to the restaurant, and when we left we were absolutely stuffed with delicious food. I had this chicken thing and crème brûlée. It was the first time I had ever had crème brûlée, and it was FANTASTIC! I know that I’m going to go back there and get only that.
A friend of Annie’s from Chico was supposed to come down, but that never materialized and I guess they ended up going to this Buffy the Vampire Slayer audience participation thing. Not my cup of tea.
So instead of going to the club alone (even less my cup of tea), I stayed home and I enjoyed my lamp. I texted Mark tonight, but he didn’t respond. I don’t think he’s into me. Meh.
I’m seriously too lazy to date. However, the people I seem to meet are generally not good prospects. Eh, whatever. All love is unrequited.
I’ve actually found what band I have been wanting to listen to, and it’s Ratatat. Them and Tosca, this ambient-ish act. I heard one of their songs on my iPod today when it was on shuffle, and I’m all “Omg, I love Tosca!” I’ve also been listening to Angelfish, the band that Shirley Manson of Garbage was in before she joined Garbage. The band members that would be the rest of Garbage saw her music video for “Suffocate Me” and tried to recruit her.
Kelly called me tonight. She told me that Placebo is playing at the Warfield in San Francisco. I totally need to get tickets. I remember when I was like 17 Placebo came to the Warfield and I wanted to go so badly but no one else liked the band and I didn’t have any money.
I feel like I need to close the door on a lot of relationships that didn’t work out that I’m still stuck on. I mean, I’m even still stuck on Taggart. Or rather, I’m “Hung Up” on him *puts on some Madonna*
The more psychology classes I take, the more I realize that we know nothing about how our minds work. I just don’t know whether I can put things behind me. How can I get rid of wounds that will never heal? Hm.
Oh yeah! Last night I had this horrible dream. In it, me and Christen and somebody else (possibly Annie) were going out for night on the town, but for some reason we were taking light rail instead of cars. However, instead of the real Sacramento light rail trains, they looked horrible, like a cross between the inside of an airplane cabin and the Brooklyn subway. Somehow, I lost my phone.
Annie and Christen got off at a certain stop, but I couldn’t because I hadn’t found my phone yet. I found this one thing on the floor with an LCD, but that was just one of those multifunctional remotes with a screen. I looked further down the train car, and found another T-Mobile Dash, but I realized it wasn’t mine because it didn’t have the stickers I put on it in real life just days before (I love my subconscious’s attention to detail). It also had a Word document open on it, and I knew that it wasn’t mine because my phone can’t edit Word documents, only view them (the things I know when I’m sleeping…seriously!).
I kept walking towards the back of the train trying to find it, and there were such scary looking people on it. At the very last car of the train, I noticed that Adrian was standing outside of the train and he got on with some girl.
And there I was, doing it again. I keep having dreams where I’m in tears, pleading with him to go back with me, and he just gives me this look like there’s nothing he can do. It’s a horrible dream to have, because I wake up and then I’m like “Oh no, he doesn’t love me, he’ll never take me back, this is horrible!” and then I wake up more and I’m like “Wtf? I wouldn’t date him again if he paid me.”
I’m sublimating my loneliness and pain. If only my subconscious had its own xanga.
I must confess: I haven’t read Amanda’s blog in months. Seeing Molly again made me remember to read it. Seriously, I have just stopped reading blogs. Ages ago, there wasn’t a day when Vienna (my RSS reader of choice) wasn’t up and running, querying the Web for my latest blog fix. I just launched it…I have 6,438 articles unread.
I wanted it to be summer, now I don’t know. Kelly’s epic St. Patrick’s Day party is tomorrow. I’m bringing tequila. Will that make me happy? Really, it would be nice to cuddle with that gross guy from the Halloween store like her last party. I wonder if I still have his number. He’d be here in fifteen minutes if I called. Seriously. I can’t stand him, though. I can’t stand many people these days. I find it difficult to make friends…I’m sort of a geeky Amelie.
The weird thing is that I like my life. It’s beautiful and sunny every day, I get to ride around on my Vespa…go out to trendy restaurants and dance at the club. I also have a cool job, and college isn’t too time-consuming. I guess I’m just codependent. I’d just like to have a good cuddle every once in a while.
Hm. Well, I guess I should go. To sleep? It’s only 12:30. Hm. To ennui.
Sounds good.
Categories: Ennui
I fell asleep reading The Bell Jar last night at like 8 p.m. and slept until 9:30 a.m.
I feel very rested, but I also had some fun and horrible dreams.
Categories: Ennui
I just watched the last episode of Star Trek: Voyager.
It was so depressing.
I HATE the last episode of TV shows…it makes me so sad. The weirdest thing about it is that watching Janeway reminds me so much of living with Adrian at Katie’s apartment, when we’d spend days watching season after season of Voyager, hating and hating Neelix, and wondering where they got all the seemingly hundreds of shuttlecrafts that exploded at the drop of a hat.
Family Guy, Futurama, and Voyager were the only things to save our relationship. I can’t decide whether that’s pathetic or tragic…I guess the two aren’t mutually exclusive.
My class was canceled this morning, so I worked on getting my blog and everything up and running. I’m still uploading files.
The import and such for my blog was actually quite painless. I was waiting for something to go wrong, but it didn’t. Things only go wrong when you allocate the same amount of time for a tech task as it will take to complete it with no problems. I allocated all day, and was done in a half-hour.
Last night sort of blew. I went to True Love and read The Bell Jar until they closed at eleven. They all were like, subtly rude to me. They always are. It doesn’t matter if you tip generously or stingily (a word?). I stopped tipping months ago. That might have something to do with it. The people that work during the day are cool though.
I’m loving that Robbie Williams album, still. I discovered this great song called “The Actor.” I’d been trying to find a song that perfectly summed up my feelings towards Adrian, but none of the five thousand plus songs on my computer did it.
“Explode” by the Cardigans came close:
Ease your trouble
we’ll pay them double
not to look at you for a while
And you rely on
what you get high on
and you last just as long as it serves you
Explode or implode
we will take care of it
yes, we will carry you
’cause you’re deserted
what’s good, you hurt it
and kills you it keeps you alive
so give it up
in a world of puppets
It’s a shame what they do to us all
can we do anything for you now ?
“Everybody Loves a Loser” by Morcheeba (the only song I like by them) was sort of close, but not really.
Even while we were dating, I would listen to “Tyrant” by the Bravery and think of him. I had downloaded The Bravery the night we met, and I was ecstatic and blasting “Honest Mistake” when I was driving over to pick him up. I can’t think of an appropriate platitude to bridge that time in my mind with today.
Everytime you come around
There’s a bouquet for me
A corsage of promises
And I am pinned
Like a butterfly on a card
I’m naked and I’m scarred
And you’re so perfect to me
Violent ties with hands like a steeple
Tell me lies with a tongue like a needle
I let the words shot down my throat
A face like an iron fist
That I can never resist
I learn it all by roteWords of wisdom from your tyrant mouth
I heard that song “The Actor,” and I was like “Oh my God!” This is like, about everyone I hate! The lyrics in parenthesis are said in the background.
Deep down you’re dirty but you try,
(I’m a good person)
The truth would break you so you lie,
(I want my work to matter)
It’s in the choices that you make,
(I want to inspire)
No talent, just fate.
Chorus:
I don’t know where you begin,
I end, we start
Again,
They need, you love,
We all watch
The actor acting.
I know I hate reading posts where people post lyrics, but I haven’t done it in years, so in penance I’m going to go out in the cold and jump my car :)
Categories: Ennui
My blog should be up and running with all the old entries and comments and glitz and glamour; and I’ll have a ton of storage on here and I can run my wiki on my retroviral.net domain now.
I just need to see if e-mail is working…I guess I’ll try out the commenting system too.
Hopefully there will be less downtime on Dreamhost. And if there is, I won’t hate them too much because they’re always prompt with returning my emails and I get a bunch of features for the price.
Categories: Ennui
I had a rather good day, I guess.
Woke up at Annie’s and went to work.
Got a bunch of stuff done.
Went home because I needed a change of clothes.
I guess I should have a meal and wash them.
But I’m feeling hella lazy.
I’m going to go to a coffee shop downtown and read The Bell Jar for a while.
I think that will be therapeutic.
Categories: Ennui
