I want to listen to that Cut Copy song Saturdays, but it wouldn’t be appropriate.

I’m typing this from Alex’s enviable black MacBook. I logged on to find something to do while he goes to this dinner…but I don’t feel like doing much.

Yesterday was…surreal but amazing. I rode three trains, Regional Transit light rail to Amtrak, Amtrak to BART, and I would have taken the MUNI rail to Alex’s house but he picked me up at this Starbucks that I had taken refuge in.

Last night was…surreal. I was so nervous even to be in the same room with him…I don’t know why. I was like, shaking. Well, it could have been all that caffiene. When I’m stressed out I drink a bunch of coffee and don’t eat.

We took MUNI to this cute Japanese restaurant around the corner last night. I have pictures, I’ll write a longer post when I get home. But I hate reading people’s posts about cute dates. So fuck it. lol

We’re listening to Interpol in Alex’s apartment and he’s putting together these chairs (we put together another sort of table thing earlier). We also went to the beach this morning after we got these delicious crepes. It was a wonderful afternoon. We laid in the sand, soaked up the sun, and I babbled on about how these Arabs on the bus that were staring at us totally made me feel like I was in The Stranger.

He’s going to this dinner tonight, and I’m supposed to find something to do, but I don’t really feel like it. We got up at 10 a.m., which is early for me, and I’m feeling very drowsy.

Amtrak was remarkably non-ghetto. BART was, eh, okay. MUNI rocks though. I dunno. I had no idea BART went under the bay. I was waiting for us to fly over the Golden Gate or something else improbable, and we just went under. It was odd. I guess I’ll go hang out at the Westfield. But I already did that. I don’t know my way around this city. Maybe I’ll go to Pier 39 or something. I dunno. I’m just not feeling very motivated.

Welcome to my world.

Zomg, Alex hella made a “guest” account for me to use while on his computer. *sound of distaste*

But I guess he does use this machine for work too. I don’t have much that’s mission-critical on my system…I guess my music is the only thing I’d hate to lose that isn’t backed up.

I don’t know how I feel about Alex. I keep taking pictures of him hoping that somehow my feelings will be revealed in film. But there’s no film. Just a janky SD card that isn’t working right now. Maybe it’s my phone that isn’t working. There’s no way to tell without a card reader. I’m pretty sure the pics are on there.

I asked him this morning over breakfast about that odd text message he sent me, “you don’t want to date me, etc.” and he said that while he doesn’t want a boyfriend, he doesn’t want to date anyone else. Which I don’t really know how to interpret. I feel sort of akward around him. Is that a bad sign? We’re able to have good conversations, but I feel like I’m the only one who’s really volunteering anything.

Well, I am sort of a babbler. Mumbling and babbling is all I do.

I was getting really stressed out because all he was playing was Regina Spektor, who I’m lukewarm about. I’m really anal about what kind of music I listen to. I feel VERY out of my element when music that I don’t know the lyrics to by heart is on. But even though “Stella Was a Diver and She Was Always Down” is on, I can’t help but feel incredible stress.

I should relax. Think about our afternoon at the beach. These drunk girls were ranting about how drunk they were.

I just don’t know how to sort out what I’m really okay with and what I’m lying to myself about. Well, I mean, he doesn’t live where I am…but is that reason alone to throw in the towel? I don’t believe long-distance relationships work, but I am going to graduate next semester, and after that I had always planned to go to San Francisco State.

I’m looking at him tightening a screw in the chair he’s putting together. What do I feel for him? I can only think of this incredibly cheesy Star Trek TNG moment where this ship designer is talking about how she can only think about her engines she builds, and that she feels more comfortable around machines than people. And a lot of the time, I feel like that. I have to pretend I’m in Second Life most of the time so that I don’t freak out about the consequences of my actions.

I just don’t know what I want him to say. I mean, it’s certainly to early for anything quantitative, L-word would just be weird, but I know what he looks like naked, which changes the way I look at anyone. I now look at him as my “boyfriend” even if we’re not really that way. Is this a lot of sound and fury?

Annie is very angry that I’m not going to the zombie walk. Christen isn’t going ’cause Allen isn’t going. And I’m in a strange boy’s living room.

But there’s Interpol, right?

I just feel like I’m out of my element. I don’t know how to behave in relationships.

When I feel like there’s long-term potential in a guy, I get all nervous and don’t know what to say or do. Should I be saying this to him? Probably not.

I’m the only one with the compulsion to write all my deepest feelings out for everyone to see. Well, he says he’s not reading it. Which is very good. I need this. To be able to think.

Maybe I’m just frazzled ’cause I haven’t written in forever.

I don’t know what I’ll do. Maybe I’ll go shopping or something. Except everything is vastly out of my price range around here.

I’m just hella tired. I’m going to ask if I can chill here.

He’s talking about buying a house here. I can’t even scrape up enough money to get my scooter serviced. Fuck. I need to fucking graduate. I’m pulling all the stops out this semester. I’m going to fucking get it done. And then go into hella debt.

I see all these people living here, and it astounds me that they all can afford to live here. How can people work as waiters and such and afford to live here? I dunno.

Well, I guess I should go. I’ll try to get that retarded SD card working so I can upload my pictures from the last two days.