It’s time for another lunchblog.
I’ve been bringing oatmeal and brown sugar in little baggies with a bowl and spoon so I can make good food every day…and for hella cheap too.
I’m learning how to be frugal.
I am just so damn confused today. All the yoga has been twisting my body in ways I had no idea was possible, and I keep staying up really late and waking up feeling like I got beat up by Skinny Puppy. And I can’t stop thinking about Alex.
That whole weekend has triggered these waves of longing for some kind of human contact, and I have to fight with all my willpower (which is admittedly not much) to avoid doing something I’d regret. Like sleeping with HorseCow Josh.
I need to call up Alex and talk to him, but I always feel embarrassed to talk about my “feelings.” And it would just be more bullshit drama.
What I really want to say is “Hi, you were cold and ignored me most of the time we were together, but I couldn’t be more into you.”
Yes.
I’m fucked up.
I can accept this.
Josh I guess found out that the night of the party I ditched him to go hang out with Alex…which wasn’t like, a national secret or anything, it just makes me look like an asshole. Which I am. I’m in one of those moods where I just look back at these things I’ve done and go “Jesus, I am SO needy and selfish.”
Okay, yes, I was drunk when Josh and I made out. Whatever. But I mean, really…it’s not like Alex and I are off to some fucking great start. It’s over. He wants me to go to some bonfire this weekend and I just want to tell him to die. I mean, I really like him, and his friends are awesome, but he doesn’t dig me.
So fuck it.
What he told me was that he wanted to date other guys. I’m sorry, I can’t be friends with him if he did that.
I’m thinking about him all the freaking time. I had no idea I was so into him. Weird. Guy that seemed too good to be true. So now I need to get “over him.”
I’m so bored with all this relationship shit.
But it still doesn’t stop me from feeling lonely.
So yeah. This weekend. Fuck you and your bonfire. I love you, but I’m not in love with you. It’s not you, it’s me. I don’t know what I want.
Puke.
It’s 1:30.
Back to work.
FWIW, I told Matt the day after we first had sex that I wanted to date other guys. I told him this because I was terrified of being in love and being hurt again. But Matt never left my side after that and I never dated another guy again.
Okay, so the “not leaving your side” thing is problematic, but still, people have lots of reasons for saying what they say.
I should just tell you to move on and find someone who appreciates you. But that doesn’t really acknowledge what’s happening and how you feel.