? - 2007
This is a photo I scanned in ages ago from my dad’s family albums. This is John in high school, I suspect.

I don’t know how to feel about it.

I was on the phone with Brian and Grammie came out of her room screaming and crying. “…oh God oh God oh God John’s dead John’s dead he’s dead he’s dead oh God don’t do this to me…”

I felt horrible for her.

Even now it doesn’t seem real.

I called Kelly and told her, now I feel like an asshole for writing that diatribe in my last post.

We can’t get ahold of Kathleen.

Grammie and Orrin left as soon as she got the call. I don’t know where they went. To identify the body? I just don’t know. I left the porch light on.

I don’t know how to feel about anything today. I spent the whole day watching Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and cleaning my room. It’s impeccably clean. This was all before Grammie came home.

It’s not like we were close.

In fact, I hated him.

Which makes this all the more strange.

It’s 11:30 p.m.

I wonder if they’re coming back.

The last time I saw John alive he was running around the house yelling about how someone (me) had eaten his chicken. I just grabbed my helmet and left ’cause I couldn’t deal with how incredibly drunk he was.

They came back.

I guess John fell down these stairs at his place and had a major head trauma. They’re treating it as a possible homicide. Who knows.

I have done absolutely nothing today. It’s wonderful.

I talked to Drew on IM. Talked to Christen and Brian on the phone.

Had a dream about my dad. We were buying oranges and big jars of marmalade and trying to fit all of them perfectly in the carts.

Interpret that, Freud.

I was feeling painfully lonely so I drove downtown.

I hoped that being around people would make me feel better but there was nobody at True Love. I would have hit up Badlands, as it looked really bumpin’, but I don’t go to clubs alone. So I went grocery shopping instead at the Safeway at N street. I was hoping HorseCow Josh would be around, but he was at some kind of reception. I could have hung around True Love to see if he got out of what he was doing, but I just was like “fuck it” and drove home.

I’m sick of waiting for people.

I went to the N street Safeway instead of the one on Alhambra ’cause Josh and Chris (the guy that hosted the Love is Dead Party) were talking about how it is the more cruise-y Safeway. I only saw one boy there.

They were talking about people that go to the river to have sex. It blows my mind that there are things like drugs and prostitutes and anonymous sex. I’m such a small-town guy.

I’m rocking out to the Dresden Dolls and this really really cute song by Feist, a new band I’ve been sort of into. I got hooked on it by the cute music video, and the poignant lyrics:

One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can’t buy you back the love that you had then

Story of my life.

I really like Drew. We’re supposed to hang out on Monday. I was trying to be subtle to ask him to hang out, but it’s just not my strong suit when it comes to boys. Or anything. So he sort of proposed it.

We’re going to go to Tokyo Fro’s after our classes, which get out at about the same time. Brian told me that Drew said that he doesn’t want to date me, but I need a bit more empirical evidence to test the veracity of that statement. I really hope we hit it off well, he has such amazing taste in movies. I’ve never met another indie movie snob so I want to nurture this friendship well. Friendship. Is this a date? Meh. Whatever’s clever, I guess.

I still can’t throw away my BART ticket. It still has like six bucks on it. Or my bus transfers. Or my MUNI transfers.

I can’t throw anything away from the trip.

All the people that you’ve loved they’re bound to leave some keepsakes.

I threw away everything that reminded me of Adrian. I guess I’d have to burn down the city to actually do that though.

I’ve also been rocking out to Yes, Virginia, the second Dresden Dolls album. It kicks so much ass, I don’t know why I listened to Christen saying it sucked. We’re both getting into it at like the same time though which is cool.

John left a huge mess in the house today. Again. I cleaned it up and Grammie seemed pleased.

I dunno.

I’m still all dressed up with nowhere to go.

I feel like I’m on a ship bound for some alien labor camp and this is a holographic representation of my universe.

It’s hard to simulate the spontaneity of the Internet though. But with powerful enough computers, anything is possible.

I need to throw out my Amtrak stubs. Or at least not put them on the table where I can stare at them.

I don’t even know what I’m sort of mourning. It’s not Alex, for damn sure. I think it’s hope. The hope of having some kind of fairytale existence. Not even a fairy tale, just of having someone who you know loves you.

Meh.

Did I mention Brian and I were hassled by the cops for hanging out in the park near his house? It was rather uneventful. I was 21 so they had nothing on me. They were trying damn hard though, I had to give them credit. It was so 1984-esque. We were just sitting on the swings when these huge spotlights turn on and they tell us to come over and sit on the bench ’cause it’s impossible to run.

I hate the KGB.

I think the main reasons we got off the hook was 1) we weren’t members of any minority and 2) there was this big group of 14-16 year olds that were stonewalling the cops and had no ID, which made us look like upstanding citizens by comparison.

Usually I have such a problem with cops but this time I was cavalier as all hell ’cause I knew they had nothing on me. Suffocating people with that “who, me?” attitude is often more exhilarating than ostensible resistance.

Did I mention Spencer broke up with Brian? We all saw it coming from a mile away, but it was still rather traumatic. That was like two days ago.

And Christen is all moved in to her new place, after this hellish cleaning and packing binge. Kelly basically left for Seattle and left Christen to clean the ENTIRE HOUSE.

I’ve held my tongue long enough.

Kelly, you are a self-centered bitch.

You really don’t give a shit about anything if it doesn’t involve you.

You want a legion of friends fawning over being your best friend (Becky and Lacey, anyone?) but you don’t want friends who will tell you that you’re making mistakes.

But no. Do one thing that you don’t like and we’re the outcasts. You ignored Christen and I for months. Why was that?

I love you. You’re my fucking cousin. We were the original cool kids making fun of Katie and hanging out in the double-decker hammock.

I heard about what you said on Thanksgiving.. “God, it’s like I have to be there for him to have fun.”

Really, bitch.

I had no idea you found me so odious. When the fuck did that happen? And when were you going to tell me?

I’m sick of your self-centered blogs. I’m sick of you.

And the shitty thing is, I can’t stop loving you.

So whatever. You moved to Elk Grove and I probably will never see you except twice a year at family functions. It’s amazing that we saw more of each other when I was 8 hours away.

But I guess I can’t be your Becky or your Lacey.

And I’m glad. Because those kind of people really don’t give a shit about you. Your real friends are the ones that after you shit on them they still would take you back. Which is really fucked up.

So, also, fuck you Becky, and seriously, I don’t need to say anything about you Lacey.

I can’t believe that I defended these people to Adrian. He hated you guys. I think this is the only time I will ever say this, but he was right about you people.

And STILL, I just don’t know what I did. What happens when people just stop returning your calls? What was I supposed to do? Just keep up the illusion that we were friends? When I hadn’t seen you in months?

I just don’t fucking get it.

And I fear that I never will.