the diary of antoine roquentin

I’m beyond bored tonight. Nobody’s online.

And I am trying to ride my scooter as little as possible because the thing is going to die sooner or later. I need to beg my family for money, but I’m just too fucking busy.

Oh well.

Today was my first day off in what seems like a long time. This class every day takes a toll on you. However, we’re getting into a bunch of crazy positions in my yoga class. People made fun of me about it, but oh my god, it is damn hard. You have to get into these impossible positions and stay there for a million years. I dunno, it’s fun though.

Brian’s off playing DnD (he’s like obsessed with it nowadays), I dunno what Christen’s up to, and I want to call Megan and Steve, but to hang out with them I’d have to drive downtown, and I need to minimize how many miles I’m putting on my scooter at all costs.

So I’m stuck here.

At midnight.

I’m lonely, so of course my wonderful idea is to download a shit ton of porn. I make no bones about it (no pun intended,) I love porn. It says so much about a society, especially amateur videos. I mean, I’m not saying there isn’t a prurient interest: of course there is, but with every video I open I feel like I’m an anthropologist finding records of some ancient culture.

I dropped the data plan on my phone today. I’ll save $30 a month. I feel like I’ve lost a crucial part of “me” in not having Internet access 24/7. But let’s face it, I’m fucking hella poor.

And although I can easily live with the luxuries and do without the necessities, my scooter is more of a luxury than mobile Internet. I’ll see if I can live without it.

My dad went home today. The very day I was going to hit him up about money. And the day I was going to play with Blue, the cutest dog ever (I have no idea how my dad has such a cute dog). But no. I tried to socialize with Grammie today, and I think I was successful. I made tea and watched some TV with her while I munched some leftover Chinese food and a muffin.

This is what my life has been reduced to.

Well, I tried to make the voice-rec work on VMWare, but it didn’t. I pulled out the CD and it’s scratched to hell. Why didn’t I make a backup copy? I am truly an idiot. But there’s some cheap copies of it on eBay, so I’ll go stalking one soon.

I just have pages and pages to write…all this pent-up emotion and prose…and I feel all weird ’cause I can’t get it out. Disabilities suck.

I’m sort of running out of things to talk about with Drew on IM. I mean, I guess that’s just a symptom of knowing someone better, but I dunno. I was a bit out of sorts today. I just get this really strong feeling: “THIS IS NOT MY LIFE.” But it is.

I’m just angry that every day is basically a wait for my transportation to die. I’m calling my dad the first thing in the morning tomorrow.

Categories: Ennui

My wrists are killing me and the voice-rec program is dead. I mean, it didn’t like die but I don’t even bother launching it any more because it crashes and brings the whole system down with it. I can’t fucking believe it. I spent $50 on that software and it didn’t work. Fuck Parallels. I’m switching all my voice-rec shit to VMWare. Maybe that’ll work. It has never crashed my system when I’ve used it. Well, we’ll see once I make the huge (30GB) virtual hard disk that the voice-rec program needs.

Anyway, I’ve been very busy with my classes and work, but Drew and I hung out for the first time a few days ago and he’s really cute and affable and cultured. I really like him. We went out for asian food at Tokyo Fro’s on Howe.

We’re going out for Chipotle (my first time) tomorrow.

However, neither of us have our own place, so…er…I don’t really know how this is going to progress (if you catch my meaning). Well, I don’t mean that, I just mean you can’t have a first kiss in a fast food parking lot.

Or maybe I’m way overthinking this and he just wants to be friends. I dunno. I think I’m going to get a shitty second job.

Because I still can’t afford to get my scooter serviced, and I’m 500 miles over the date now.

I’m going to have to beg my dad for money. Anyway, the wrists HURT! Going to bed.

Categories: Ennui

I have done absolutely nothing today. It’s wonderful.

I talked to Drew on IM. Talked to Christen and Brian on the phone.

Had a dream about my dad. We were buying oranges and big jars of marmalade and trying to fit all of them perfectly in the carts.

Interpret that, Freud.

I was feeling painfully lonely so I drove downtown.

I hoped that being around people would make me feel better but there was nobody at True Love. I would have hit up Badlands, as it looked really bumpin’, but I don’t go to clubs alone. So I went grocery shopping instead at the Safeway at N street. I was hoping HorseCow Josh would be around, but he was at some kind of reception. I could have hung around True Love to see if he got out of what he was doing, but I just was like “fuck it” and drove home.

I’m sick of waiting for people.

I went to the N street Safeway instead of the one on Alhambra ’cause Josh and Chris (the guy that hosted the Love is Dead Party) were talking about how it is the more cruise-y Safeway. I only saw one boy there.

They were talking about people that go to the river to have sex. It blows my mind that there are things like drugs and prostitutes and anonymous sex. I’m such a small-town guy.

I’m rocking out to the Dresden Dolls and this really really cute song by Feist, a new band I’ve been sort of into. I got hooked on it by the cute music video, and the poignant lyrics:

One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can’t buy you back the love that you had then

Story of my life.

I really like Drew. We’re supposed to hang out on Monday. I was trying to be subtle to ask him to hang out, but it’s just not my strong suit when it comes to boys. Or anything. So he sort of proposed it.

We’re going to go to Tokyo Fro’s after our classes, which get out at about the same time. Brian told me that Drew said that he doesn’t want to date me, but I need a bit more empirical evidence to test the veracity of that statement. I really hope we hit it off well, he has such amazing taste in movies. I’ve never met another indie movie snob so I want to nurture this friendship well. Friendship. Is this a date? Meh. Whatever’s clever, I guess.

I still can’t throw away my BART ticket. It still has like six bucks on it. Or my bus transfers. Or my MUNI transfers.

I can’t throw anything away from the trip.

All the people that you’ve loved they’re bound to leave some keepsakes.

I threw away everything that reminded me of Adrian. I guess I’d have to burn down the city to actually do that though.

I’ve also been rocking out to Yes, Virginia, the second Dresden Dolls album. It kicks so much ass, I don’t know why I listened to Christen saying it sucked. We’re both getting into it at like the same time though which is cool.

John left a huge mess in the house today. Again. I cleaned it up and Grammie seemed pleased.

I dunno.

I’m still all dressed up with nowhere to go.

I feel like I’m on a ship bound for some alien labor camp and this is a holographic representation of my universe.

It’s hard to simulate the spontaneity of the Internet though. But with powerful enough computers, anything is possible.

I need to throw out my Amtrak stubs. Or at least not put them on the table where I can stare at them.

I don’t even know what I’m sort of mourning. It’s not Alex, for damn sure. I think it’s hope. The hope of having some kind of fairytale existence. Not even a fairy tale, just of having someone who you know loves you.

Meh.

Did I mention Brian and I were hassled by the cops for hanging out in the park near his house? It was rather uneventful. I was 21 so they had nothing on me. They were trying damn hard though, I had to give them credit. It was so 1984-esque. We were just sitting on the swings when these huge spotlights turn on and they tell us to come over and sit on the bench ’cause it’s impossible to run.

I hate the KGB.

I think the main reasons we got off the hook was 1) we weren’t members of any minority and 2) there was this big group of 14-16 year olds that were stonewalling the cops and had no ID, which made us look like upstanding citizens by comparison.

Usually I have such a problem with cops but this time I was cavalier as all hell ’cause I knew they had nothing on me. Suffocating people with that “who, me?” attitude is often more exhilarating than ostensible resistance.

Did I mention Spencer broke up with Brian? We all saw it coming from a mile away, but it was still rather traumatic. That was like two days ago.

And Christen is all moved in to her new place, after this hellish cleaning and packing binge. Kelly basically left for Seattle and left Christen to clean the ENTIRE HOUSE.

I’ve held my tongue long enough.

Kelly, you are a self-centered bitch.

You really don’t give a shit about anything if it doesn’t involve you.

You want a legion of friends fawning over being your best friend (Becky and Lacey, anyone?) but you don’t want friends who will tell you that you’re making mistakes.

But no. Do one thing that you don’t like and we’re the outcasts. You ignored Christen and I for months. Why was that?

I love you. You’re my fucking cousin. We were the original cool kids making fun of Katie and hanging out in the double-decker hammock.

I heard about what you said on Thanksgiving.. “God, it’s like I have to be there for him to have fun.”

Really, bitch.

I had no idea you found me so odious. When the fuck did that happen? And when were you going to tell me?

I’m sick of your self-centered blogs. I’m sick of you.

And the shitty thing is, I can’t stop loving you.

So whatever. You moved to Elk Grove and I probably will never see you except twice a year at family functions. It’s amazing that we saw more of each other when I was 8 hours away.

But I guess I can’t be your Becky or your Lacey.

And I’m glad. Because those kind of people really don’t give a shit about you. Your real friends are the ones that after you shit on them they still would take you back. Which is really fucked up.

So, also, fuck you Becky, and seriously, I don’t need to say anything about you Lacey.

I can’t believe that I defended these people to Adrian. He hated you guys. I think this is the only time I will ever say this, but he was right about you people.

And STILL, I just don’t know what I did. What happens when people just stop returning your calls? What was I supposed to do? Just keep up the illusion that we were friends? When I hadn’t seen you in months?

I just don’t fucking get it.

And I fear that I never will.

Categories: Ennui

So…yeah.

I slept with Josh last night.

I don’t know how to feel about it.

It was nice to cuddle with someone.

And he’s a cool guy.

I just don’t know.

I’m much more interested in Drew, although I haven’t met him yet.

And from what I’m doing these days, I don’t think Drew would want me at all.

I am one fucked up bitch this week.

Categories: Ennui

Today was awesome.

My body is killing me from all the walking I did in SF…and I was so tired last night that using my computer confused me. Which is like, crazy tired.

So, went to sleep, dragged my corpse out of bed, went to work for six hours, went home, talked to Brian on the phone about Alex and Spence (there was gossip, but I can’t elaborate, I’m typing this on Christen’s computer, no voice-rec).

I went to the first of my yoga class and it should be really cool. We’re learning Hatha Yoga in the traditional way, as the teacher says. She’s a second-generation Indian, and knows all the sanskrit names of the poses. She seems like a really nice lady.

After class I went to Steve’s birthday party with Christen, Megan, Valerie and the Italian girls, which was really fun. I took a bunch of pictures. We started at True Love and then moved to Rick’s (the dessert diner across the street). And I took a bunch more pics. :)

We talked about our friends, their quirks, our lovers, their quirks, everybody’s exes, and of course the infamous HorseCow party. I sent HorseCow Josh a text today, I went through and deleted all the voicemails I had saved (it’s painful to delete them because they remind me how much I love my friends), and I came across two from Josh. I guess he’d called me a few times. I hella don’t remember that.

Alex left me like two messages today, and I have no idea how I didn’t get a missed call from him. He probably called during my class and I didn’t get service in there or something…but I always get full service at ARC. Weird.

Well, I’m just waiting until Friday as usual, my scooter is 300 miles past the recommended service date and I don’t have the cash to get it fixed. What ‘ev.

Christen and I are going to go gown shopping tomorrow! She’s graduating from adult ed on Wednesday! I’m so excited for her.

So yeah. Tomorrow I need to get some PJs or something to wear and a yoga mat.

There’s a cute boy in there.

But he’s like, a yoga feind. Which made me thing bad thoughts. Very bad thoughts. For most of the class.

Alex said that he didn’t want to be “tied down.” I dunno, I have feelings that other guys are hot, but when I’m in a relationship with someone really hot, I’m all “God, my boyfriend is so much hotter than you.”

I dunno. I’m just really confused after that trip…still. Long story short, he wasn’t that into me, and he sort of abandoned me in the middle of downtown San Francisco in the middle of the night. Yes, he did come rescue me, but still. Also, he didn’t let me use his computer, put together furniture most of my visit, didn’t talk much to me the entire trip…I had rose colored glasses when I came back, but I’ve taken them off and all I see is:

a) A guy who’s really into himself, so much so that he can’t see how other people fit into his universe.

b) Someone who’s emotionally unavailable.

c) Both.

Why am I always attracted to guys who are like that? I swear. Well, if he calls me tomorrow I’m going to ask him what’s up. ‘Cause we are exes. Like it or not.

Oh, I’m being rude. Christen is in the living room washing dishes and I’m in here being a douche and complaining. She’s all packed up to leave her place and move in with Megan and Steve. That is going to be SO fun when she lives there. But I’m going to be banished to Carmichael *cries.*

I might take next semester at City College. It’s another Los Rios college, so the graduation requirements are the same. Only two more classes to go!

Categories: Ennui