The Diary of Antoine Roquentin

Today was my last class of the summer session. I thought it was going to be really awesome because it was all over, but I really love my yoga teacher. She is so into all the Eastern philosophy… I want to take a class on that now.

I called Patrick before class and he seemed really confused about everything… existence, Shane, happiness, etc.

Oh yeah! After I woke up today, I met Kelly at the Starbucks around the corner, and we talked for about three hours about like everything… before, when we had hung out I felt like there was this veil between us, but I don’t feel that anymore. I mean, she was going through a very difficult part of her life… moving out of her mom’s house and becoming self-sufficient in her new place while balancing work and school.

Anyway, it was a wonderful afternoon. After that, I went to school me for my last class. I’m really depressed about it now… I think I’m going to take one of her classes next semester on yogic philosophy.

She told us that she really loved our group and that we were the most inquisitive and interested group that she had had in a long time.

I’ve been listening to this Dresden Dolls song a lot called “Necessary Evil.” I never quite know what I’m going to read when I go on SongMeanings, but I have to read what other people think about a song in order to form an opinion of what specifically I think it’s about. For this one, some thought it was about oral sex (whaa…?) and others thought it was about us being dehumanized by technology (yawn). I think it’s much simpler than that. She’s talking about how the relationship is over and his “tongue is getting blacker all the time” which happens when you lie in fairy tales and that he should “take his Listerine.” Hence, he’s telling all these lies about her and doesn’t want to talk to her any more, and he has to stop lying if they’re going to speak any more, but it’s impossible because of his lies. The lines

I remember the golden days when all this was a mystery and
You could write a letter then or god forbid come visit me.

really remind me of a certain someone. It’s a shame it didn’t work out.

But yeah, those people on SongMeanings have insane interpretations to songs. I enjoy reading them.

I haven’t seen much of Drew today, we were both busy. He’s playing Guitar Hero with one of his friends, and I’m going downtown to hang out with Amanda on her last day here (if she calls me and tells me where she is). It was like something out of a movie when she called me with almost no battery on her cell phone. I asked her where she was going to be, and the phone cut out right after “we are going to be at the…” *click*

So I’m relaxing and listening to Our Love to Admire, and Yes, Virginia. I feel like I’m in some kind of rut. I should listen to that CD that one of the DJs gave out at the Rancho Cordova rave.

I think it’s time to go old-school. Discovery and The Downward Spiral.

But I’m probably really going to just watch more Star Trek: Deep Space Nine on my iPod. I’ve been watching the middle season of Earth: Final Conflict as well. The only reason I like that series is because it has such a thick mystery to it in the first season. In the middle and later seasons the main characters get killed off because they can’t keep actors in the roles, even though the main character is supposed to be the same character through the entire thing. It still has some mystery to it though, and although I’ve seen the last episode, I don’t know how it all gets to that point.

But I find Star Trek much more interesting. Drew recommended that I download an anime series called Serial Experiments Lain. He said I’d like it. I’m really not into anime that much just out of principle (it’s ridiculously trendy), but above all I believe in moderation in all things, including anime, so I downloaded it. Maybe I’ll invite him over this weekend to watch it.

My grandma was like freaking out this morning because she couldn’t find her phone or her keys and since Orrin is in the hospital he’s not there to help her. I don’t know what to do…I took out the trash and cleaned up the kitchen, but that’s not enough. She’s dying. Not like instantly, but she’s in her mid-80s. My biggest fear these days is finding her body. The only thing I can do is put it out of my mind. And I can’t imagine moving out now. I’m the only one buying groceries now…she’s freaked out about driving on El Camino…eh. C’est la vie.

That’s got to be my mantra these days. I did have a very good day today, so I’m enjoying life…oddly. And now, it’s time for Darius dream theater:

In this dream, I was riding around BART with a few of my friends and we ended up in Golden Gate Park. I was talking with this one dark-haired girl about something and she was like “oh, you’re so great” in a sort of funny way, hugged me… and then she started kissing the back of my neck. I got really weirded out, left her and started walking up the big hill. I tripped, fell and hurt my neck. Then we were walking down Market Street and my phone rang. It was Donna Karan, who happened to be a guy in my dream, and he told me that he had made me all these wonderful clothes to take my mind off of my neck (it had been hurting IRL). So I went down to the Muni line and took the K train to Ocean Beach. In the dream, I was in going there, but I ended up that the big Muni transfer point where it goes underground, Portal Station, and I walked around the corner and for some reason I was in my mom’s neighborhood in New Jersey. I always have these were the strange dreams that end up there. I wonder what that means.

I still haven’t heard from my mother. But I mean, come on… she’s in Switzerland, not Abu Dhabi. If something bad happened, I would know about it by now. I hope.

I still don’t know what to think about the Amanda thing. She had everything going for her, and left it all behind. I guess I let her buoyant personality make me think that everything was okay, even though it really wasn’t.

I hope she calls back. I’d like to see her before she leaves.