The Diary of Antoine Roquentin

Hello, computer.

I guess “Hello world.” would be more appropriate.

I haven’t written ever since I got really drunk with Sarah (Amanda’s sister) at that sleazy motel downtown. We laughed, talked endlessly about sex and stayed up all night.

That day I had to go work and I had only slept about two hours. But I got through it, called Amanda and Sarah, and we met in Cesar Chavez Park. I recommended that we go to Tapa’s for lunch/dinner, as we were all hungry.

Amanda sitting across from me at Tapa’s

It was a bittersweet thing… Amanda was talking about how she wanted to stay and Frank (obviously so much cooler than everyone else) was ignoring us and reading Dean Koontz.

I wish I was hardcore enough to read Dean Koontz.

They dropped me off on their way out of town, and I wandered around the Cesar Chavez Park area, where I had parked. They were having some huge kind of concert in the park, and I was trying to talk on the phone with Steve, so I wandered into this fountain area with seating in front of one of the government buildings abandoned in the late afternoon. I talked with my dad too for a long time. It seems like we can only sustain a conversation for 10 minutes of every month we haven’t talked. It was rather jovial even though I have a lot of reservations about his existence.

My geology class will cost $100 just for the class, so I’m going to be begging him for money tomorrow. It is so hot in this house. The air-conditioning always gets shut off at like 10 p.m. No one in this house knows that it costs more money to turn the air conditioning off at night and then cool the house again in the morning.

I read some Simone de Beauvoir at True Love, but I was hung over and it was
mud to me. Megan and Steve showed up later and we sipped coffee and talked
about our plans for films and the Bohemian Club until quite late. Valerie joined us a half-hour or so before I was to leave.

Valerie told us her epic story of hitchhiking to the Rainbow Gathering.

The next day Drew came over, we went and got Chipotle, and then came back to my house to watch some show (I think it was Murder, She Wrote) and then snuggled in the hammock in the back yard for a while.

We were supposed to go to the Trash Film Orgy that night, and I happened to be on the phone with Brian, so I invited him. At first Drew was resistant to the idea, but then he didn’t mind. I had no idea it would be so horribly awkward.

We stopped at Safeway for snacks before we picked up Drew’s friend.

Well, it wasn’t in the beginning and we actually had quite a bit of fun at the movie (it was Death Race 2000). I was trying to convince Kelly to come via SMS the whole time, but she’s poor. I really shouldn’t have gone. I have like $15 to get me until Friday, but whatever.

Drew with his pimp hat when we went to see Foxy Brown last week.

So of course Brian and I talk in our own coded language of Margret Cho and Kathy Griffin jokes, interspersed with various intonations of the word “girl.” Which didn’t really come off too well for anyone involved. I don’t know, I just remember this one moment when Brian and I were just dying with laughter and I looked over at Drew and he was like white knuckling the steering wheel of the car and staring blankly ahead. I feel like I embarrassed him in front of his friend by being too gay. But I mean, Jesus…that’s the way I am. We are all a little bit of a stereotype, you can’t escape it.

I’m in sort of the bitchy mood because I just got off the phone after this three hour or so talk with Patrick… the first time I had heard from him in who knows how long. The first hour was about how he’s depressed, and the next two hours is about how I need to let go of Adrian and let go of my “negativity.”

Really.

I have heard enough New Agey Oprah bullshit to last me five lifetimes, and if there’s anything I need more of, it’s negativity.

Three months ago he’s talking all about how much of a douchebag Shane is, and now Shane is a shining angel and Patrick was just so blinded by Shane’s unending compassion and grace.

Somebody was telling me that when Patrick and Seth were together even in the death throes of their relationship Patrick would only talk about how great Seth was. I was trying to explain to Patrick that I feel it’s naïve to get rid of all your “negative” feelings about a person. It’s just emotional masturbation. If anything, I’m ambivalent about the entire situation with Adrian. We had good times, we had bad times. It’s over. Enough said.

But I’m not going to go around and say that my ex saying sarcastic things about me “was just me being oversensitive.” I’m going to tell it like it was.

I don’t know. Maybe I was just feeling irritated today. I could barely stay awake at work, but while I was awake I did some good work. I was too tired to get distracted by Wikipedia, so I got a lot done.

Yesterday was rather fun. I thought I was going to wake up and write something, but there was no food all my clothes were dirty and there was no laundry detergent. So I got frustrated, dressed up in one of my second-rate outfits that don’t fit well, and went over to Brian’s so we could watch Wonderful Electric, that Goldfrapp of tour DVD that we bought on eBay a while
ago. After that Brian’s new boyfriend Erin came over and we all went bowling with his friends. Brian and I had a really good time and I like his new beau. He’s cute, funny, and amiable. He doesn’t seem…well…soulless, like many people I meet.

It is so hot in this room. Computers generate so much heat…in Crescent City it was a godsend, but here, it’s a death sentence. I need to get a fan. Like, tomorrow.

I feel like Christen has chosen Allen. She’s quitting her job and going to work at Burning Man for a month. When she first told me that she was going on a trip, I went on Digg and realized that Comic-Con was next week, something she had been talking about going to for ages. But no. It was Burning Man. It just doesn’t seem like her scene. But whatever.

She left me a voicemail today about the Andy Warhol party. It’s on my calendar, but I want to invite somebody. I think I’m probably just going to get really pissed off at Allen, get really drunk, and say some things I’ll probably regret. That or curse at Josh, if he’s there. I really doubt that’ll happen. I got naked with him and he didn’t call me after that, so whatever. I knew that was all he wanted. I’m glad I didn’t fuck him. STD party central.

The night before, Scott had gotten drunk and fucked him for the first time in the like three years they were friends (Scott is mostly straight). So that night all I could think of was that I’d be vicariously be fucking Annie (WEIRD), and no offense to her, but that made my penis very soft.

I think I’m in a bit off a better mood. My clothes are done in the dryer and I stopped by Trader Joe’s on the way home from work and got a bunch of necessities, so I won’t starve. That and I have about a half season of Deep Space Nine to keep me entertained. That and Kris talking to me. He’s writing this incredibly funny book about suicide. Well, it’s not ostensibly funny but it’s very darkly funny which is why I like it.

I don’t know why I didn’t feel like writing for so long. I guess I hadn’t really dealt with Amanda’s near-death experience. when I drive by Sutter General on my way home from work every day, the thought “Oh, I need to go visit Amanda before I go home” still flashes through my mind but it’s been at least a week since she left.

My mom still hasn’t called me, but her phone rings now instead of just going straight to voicemail. I hope she’s back and okay.

I don’t know where Drew is. We’ve been exchanging Facebook messages all day, but he’s not online. I should call him, but being all sweaty and disgusting and hot makes one just want to curl up in a ball and curse the universe.

Oh, awesome, Jeff and Drew signed on. W00t.