“It’s not you, it’s Survivalism.” –Brian

I was IMing with Drew tonight, and he asked me to tell him a story. So I just made one up as I went along. Here it is:

Once upon a time, on a douche far far away, lived a girl named Christen

She worked hard in the douche fields to bring home some profit back to her three small children…

Drew: Oh, what a difficult life

…which were named Muscle, Xtreme, and 8. 8 was the most fickle of the trio and could tell fortunes. One day while toiling in the fields Christen had a vision of a key falling from the sky, entwined with swords.

Drew: Ooh

She told the vision to 8 and the other children, and 8 told her that there was to be a great famine. There would be no douches produced for four years while the RoboLocusts descended from Outer Space.

Drew: D:

But Christen had a plan.

On the night when the moon was dark, she snuck out into the douche fields with Xtreme and Muscle and filled her sachel with all the douches they could pick from the fields until sunrise.

When the guards to the plantation came out in the morning, she blinded them with a concoction of moss and special tree bark that 8 had prepared, and stole their spacecrafts they kept locked in the abandoned missile silo where the guards lived. Only the inside was abandoned, you see, as someone had lost the key centuries ago.

Drew: Oooh wow

Stone tablets that had washed ashore on the riverbank downstream from the plantation foretold that one day the key would be found again by a commoner and an even-numbered child.

Christen had never believed in the old folk tales, so she gathered her children in the engine room and took off in the guards’ space ship.

As they shot in a massive arc along the planet, they began to see something behind the reddish moon that would shelter them from the sun’s hottest midday rays.

It was a clump of asteroids that looked like they’d been blasted apart. She moved the ship closer, following the display indicating a cube inside the debris field.

Suddenly, the rocks in the asteroid cluster began to move, and formed into a sphere, leaving just an opening for her. The side of the metal cube clanged as they impacted it and pushed through to the inside.

There was a golden glow from the gash in the hull where they had penetrated the cube, and Muscle crawled out of the incision.

“It’s here, mom…all the douches! All of them!” he screamed.

They all followed him into a golden tunnel of seemingly endless length. Douches, the douches that they had worked from the earth with their endless toil floated around the room.

In the center was a massive key. They floated around the room, grabbing the douches out of the air, but Christen could only see the key.

She took hold of it and hauled it inside the ship.
Reluctantly, her children followed.

She noticed that the key left a residue on her hands. She wiped it on a small cut across 8’s forehead, and it disappeared.

Drew: Ohhh

Interested, she moved towards the gash in the ship and wiped the golden liquid on the frayed and twisted metal. It moved and rended, scaring her at first, as it mended itself.

The ship popped out of the cube and began to hurtle down the gravity well towards their planet, just as the asteroids lost shape and began to drift again.

Warning kalaxons were sounding, and Christen didn’t know what to do, so astounded by the healing of the ship.

So Muscle and Xtreme jumped onto the controls. Arms strong from years of hard work, they pulled the joystick up with all their might, but it would not budge.

“Jerk it hard,” Christen said.

Drew: XD XD

They did, and the craft began to descend in a controlled arc, ending in the massive silo. They landed shakily, and crawled out of the hatch at the back of the craft.

Christen and 8 dragged the massive key towards the door to the siloh.

The rest of the guards did not try to stop her.

With the help of all four of them, she shoved the key into the massive silo door. From somewhere deep underground, a rumbling started, and a fissure appeared in the side of the silo.

it broke in half and each of the sides fell to the ground with a deafening crash. But as the rubble cleared, the residents, who by now had gathered from the fields, saw an old concrete staircase leading down.

Seeing some kind of escape, the villagers rushed down the stairs, feeling a rush of clean, cool air.

At first all they could see was a faint glow of blue above their heads, but as their eyes adjusted, they could see skyscrapers, trains, and other things only spoken about in legends.

Their race truly was one that had conquered the stars, and the overseers had been denying their true nature.

8 picked a house near the grand staircase.

“That one should be ours, Mother.” he said.

THE END.

Drew: ;o;

Me: aww

Hello, computer.

I guess “Hello world.” would be more appropriate.

I haven’t written ever since I got really drunk with Sarah (Amanda’s sister) at that sleazy motel downtown. We laughed, talked endlessly about sex and stayed up all night.

That day I had to go work and I had only slept about two hours. But I got through it, called Amanda and Sarah, and we met in Cesar Chavez Park. I recommended that we go to Tapa’s for lunch/dinner, as we were all hungry.

Amanda sitting across from me at Tapa’s

It was a bittersweet thing… Amanda was talking about how she wanted to stay and Frank (obviously so much cooler than everyone else) was ignoring us and reading Dean Koontz.

I wish I was hardcore enough to read Dean Koontz.

They dropped me off on their way out of town, and I wandered around the Cesar Chavez Park area, where I had parked. They were having some huge kind of concert in the park, and I was trying to talk on the phone with Steve, so I wandered into this fountain area with seating in front of one of the government buildings abandoned in the late afternoon. I talked with my dad too for a long time. It seems like we can only sustain a conversation for 10 minutes of every month we haven’t talked. It was rather jovial even though I have a lot of reservations about his existence.

My geology class will cost $100 just for the class, so I’m going to be begging him for money tomorrow. It is so hot in this house. The air-conditioning always gets shut off at like 10 p.m. No one in this house knows that it costs more money to turn the air conditioning off at night and then cool the house again in the morning.

I read some Simone de Beauvoir at True Love, but I was hung over and it was
mud to me. Megan and Steve showed up later and we sipped coffee and talked
about our plans for films and the Bohemian Club until quite late. Valerie joined us a half-hour or so before I was to leave.

Valerie told us her epic story of hitchhiking to the Rainbow Gathering.

The next day Drew came over, we went and got Chipotle, and then came back to my house to watch some show (I think it was Murder, She Wrote) and then snuggled in the hammock in the back yard for a while.

We were supposed to go to the Trash Film Orgy that night, and I happened to be on the phone with Brian, so I invited him. At first Drew was resistant to the idea, but then he didn’t mind. I had no idea it would be so horribly awkward.

We stopped at Safeway for snacks before we picked up Drew’s friend.

Well, it wasn’t in the beginning and we actually had quite a bit of fun at the movie (it was Death Race 2000). I was trying to convince Kelly to come via SMS the whole time, but she’s poor. I really shouldn’t have gone. I have like $15 to get me until Friday, but whatever.

Drew with his pimp hat when we went to see Foxy Brown last week.

So of course Brian and I talk in our own coded language of Margret Cho and Kathy Griffin jokes, interspersed with various intonations of the word “girl.” Which didn’t really come off too well for anyone involved. I don’t know, I just remember this one moment when Brian and I were just dying with laughter and I looked over at Drew and he was like white knuckling the steering wheel of the car and staring blankly ahead. I feel like I embarrassed him in front of his friend by being too gay. But I mean, Jesus…that’s the way I am. We are all a little bit of a stereotype, you can’t escape it.

I’m in sort of the bitchy mood because I just got off the phone after this three hour or so talk with Patrick… the first time I had heard from him in who knows how long. The first hour was about how he’s depressed, and the next two hours is about how I need to let go of Adrian and let go of my “negativity.”

Really.

I have heard enough New Agey Oprah bullshit to last me five lifetimes, and if there’s anything I need more of, it’s negativity.

Three months ago he’s talking all about how much of a douchebag Shane is, and now Shane is a shining angel and Patrick was just so blinded by Shane’s unending compassion and grace.

Somebody was telling me that when Patrick and Seth were together even in the death throes of their relationship Patrick would only talk about how great Seth was. I was trying to explain to Patrick that I feel it’s naïve to get rid of all your “negative” feelings about a person. It’s just emotional masturbation. If anything, I’m ambivalent about the entire situation with Adrian. We had good times, we had bad times. It’s over. Enough said.

But I’m not going to go around and say that my ex saying sarcastic things about me “was just me being oversensitive.” I’m going to tell it like it was.

I don’t know. Maybe I was just feeling irritated today. I could barely stay awake at work, but while I was awake I did some good work. I was too tired to get distracted by Wikipedia, so I got a lot done.

Yesterday was rather fun. I thought I was going to wake up and write something, but there was no food all my clothes were dirty and there was no laundry detergent. So I got frustrated, dressed up in one of my second-rate outfits that don’t fit well, and went over to Brian’s so we could watch Wonderful Electric, that Goldfrapp of tour DVD that we bought on eBay a while
ago. After that Brian’s new boyfriend Erin came over and we all went bowling with his friends. Brian and I had a really good time and I like his new beau. He’s cute, funny, and amiable. He doesn’t seem…well…soulless, like many people I meet.

It is so hot in this room. Computers generate so much heat…in Crescent City it was a godsend, but here, it’s a death sentence. I need to get a fan. Like, tomorrow.

I feel like Christen has chosen Allen. She’s quitting her job and going to work at Burning Man for a month. When she first told me that she was going on a trip, I went on Digg and realized that Comic-Con was next week, something she had been talking about going to for ages. But no. It was Burning Man. It just doesn’t seem like her scene. But whatever.

She left me a voicemail today about the Andy Warhol party. It’s on my calendar, but I want to invite somebody. I think I’m probably just going to get really pissed off at Allen, get really drunk, and say some things I’ll probably regret. That or curse at Josh, if he’s there. I really doubt that’ll happen. I got naked with him and he didn’t call me after that, so whatever. I knew that was all he wanted. I’m glad I didn’t fuck him. STD party central.

The night before, Scott had gotten drunk and fucked him for the first time in the like three years they were friends (Scott is mostly straight). So that night all I could think of was that I’d be vicariously be fucking Annie (WEIRD), and no offense to her, but that made my penis very soft.

I think I’m in a bit off a better mood. My clothes are done in the dryer and I stopped by Trader Joe’s on the way home from work and got a bunch of necessities, so I won’t starve. That and I have about a half season of Deep Space Nine to keep me entertained. That and Kris talking to me. He’s writing this incredibly funny book about suicide. Well, it’s not ostensibly funny but it’s very darkly funny which is why I like it.

I don’t know why I didn’t feel like writing for so long. I guess I hadn’t really dealt with Amanda’s near-death experience. when I drive by Sutter General on my way home from work every day, the thought “Oh, I need to go visit Amanda before I go home” still flashes through my mind but it’s been at least a week since she left.

My mom still hasn’t called me, but her phone rings now instead of just going straight to voicemail. I hope she’s back and okay.

I don’t know where Drew is. We’ve been exchanging Facebook messages all day, but he’s not online. I should call him, but being all sweaty and disgusting and hot makes one just want to curl up in a ball and curse the universe.

Oh, awesome, Jeff and Drew signed on. W00t.

Today was my last class of the summer session. I thought it was going to be really awesome because it was all over, but I really love my yoga teacher. She is so into all the Eastern philosophy… I want to take a class on that now.

I called Patrick before class and he seemed really confused about everything… existence, Shane, happiness, etc.

Oh yeah! After I woke up today, I met Kelly at the Starbucks around the corner, and we talked for about three hours about like everything… before, when we had hung out I felt like there was this veil between us, but I don’t feel that anymore. I mean, she was going through a very difficult part of her life… moving out of her mom’s house and becoming self-sufficient in her new place while balancing work and school.

Anyway, it was a wonderful afternoon. After that, I went to school me for my last class. I’m really depressed about it now… I think I’m going to take one of her classes next semester on yogic philosophy.

She told us that she really loved our group and that we were the most inquisitive and interested group that she had had in a long time.

I’ve been listening to this Dresden Dolls song a lot called “Necessary Evil.” I never quite know what I’m going to read when I go on SongMeanings, but I have to read what other people think about a song in order to form an opinion of what specifically I think it’s about. For this one, some thought it was about oral sex (whaa…?) and others thought it was about us being dehumanized by technology (yawn). I think it’s much simpler than that. She’s talking about how the relationship is over and his “tongue is getting blacker all the time” which happens when you lie in fairy tales and that he should “take his Listerine.” Hence, he’s telling all these lies about her and doesn’t want to talk to her any more, and he has to stop lying if they’re going to speak any more, but it’s impossible because of his lies. The lines

I remember the golden days when all this was a mystery and
You could write a letter then or god forbid come visit me.

really remind me of a certain someone. It’s a shame it didn’t work out.

But yeah, those people on SongMeanings have insane interpretations to songs. I enjoy reading them.

I haven’t seen much of Drew today, we were both busy. He’s playing Guitar Hero with one of his friends, and I’m going downtown to hang out with Amanda on her last day here (if she calls me and tells me where she is). It was like something out of a movie when she called me with almost no battery on her cell phone. I asked her where she was going to be, and the phone cut out right after “we are going to be at the…” *click*

So I’m relaxing and listening to Our Love to Admire, and Yes, Virginia. I feel like I’m in some kind of rut. I should listen to that CD that one of the DJs gave out at the Rancho Cordova rave.

I think it’s time to go old-school. Discovery and The Downward Spiral.

But I’m probably really going to just watch more Star Trek: Deep Space Nine on my iPod. I’ve been watching the middle season of Earth: Final Conflict as well. The only reason I like that series is because it has such a thick mystery to it in the first season. In the middle and later seasons the main characters get killed off because they can’t keep actors in the roles, even though the main character is supposed to be the same character through the entire thing. It still has some mystery to it though, and although I’ve seen the last episode, I don’t know how it all gets to that point.

But I find Star Trek much more interesting. Drew recommended that I download an anime series called Serial Experiments Lain. He said I’d like it. I’m really not into anime that much just out of principle (it’s ridiculously trendy), but above all I believe in moderation in all things, including anime, so I downloaded it. Maybe I’ll invite him over this weekend to watch it.

My grandma was like freaking out this morning because she couldn’t find her phone or her keys and since Orrin is in the hospital he’s not there to help her. I don’t know what to do…I took out the trash and cleaned up the kitchen, but that’s not enough. She’s dying. Not like instantly, but she’s in her mid-80s. My biggest fear these days is finding her body. The only thing I can do is put it out of my mind. And I can’t imagine moving out now. I’m the only one buying groceries now…she’s freaked out about driving on El Camino…eh. C’est la vie.

That’s got to be my mantra these days. I did have a very good day today, so I’m enjoying life…oddly. And now, it’s time for Darius dream theater:

In this dream, I was riding around BART with a few of my friends and we ended up in Golden Gate Park. I was talking with this one dark-haired girl about something and she was like “oh, you’re so great” in a sort of funny way, hugged me… and then she started kissing the back of my neck. I got really weirded out, left her and started walking up the big hill. I tripped, fell and hurt my neck. Then we were walking down Market Street and my phone rang. It was Donna Karan, who happened to be a guy in my dream, and he told me that he had made me all these wonderful clothes to take my mind off of my neck (it had been hurting IRL). So I went down to the Muni line and took the K train to Ocean Beach. In the dream, I was in going there, but I ended up that the big Muni transfer point where it goes underground, Portal Station, and I walked around the corner and for some reason I was in my mom’s neighborhood in New Jersey. I always have these were the strange dreams that end up there. I wonder what that means.

I still haven’t heard from my mother. But I mean, come on… she’s in Switzerland, not Abu Dhabi. If something bad happened, I would know about it by now. I hope.

I still don’t know what to think about the Amanda thing. She had everything going for her, and left it all behind. I guess I let her buoyant personality make me think that everything was okay, even though it really wasn’t.

I hope she calls back. I’d like to see her before she leaves.

I had such an awesome time. The event was actually in Berkeley, which gave Chris and I a long time to rant and rave about politics and the world power structure.

Before I left I helped Frank move Amanda’s car into a lot downtown (he doesn’t have a drivers’ license).

We got there at like one, and there were a bunch of scene kids and hipsters. They played Daft Punk, and I danced my ass off.

I miss having friends who are guys.