Stayed up until 4 a.m. last night with Terry…we were watching a show, and we had a long talk…woke up three hours later when Terry had to go to school…I had to give him a ride to his train.

Totally exhausted, sign on to my online banking, it says I have $12. That has to last until next Friday. Lame.

I don’t know what’s going on with Terry. I’m trying to be a better boyfriend to him, but I don’t feel like he has any passion or emotion. He says that has to grow over time. I don’t feel that way, I feel that the initial passion has to be incredible and intense, then that burns away, and you have a strong bond.

So Mario. I had coffee with him after work today, and I get the distinct impression that he likes me…and I don’t know what to say.

When I hang out with Mario I feel like I’m cheating on Terry, because it would be a lie to say that I don’t have feelings for him. Well, he just talks about a lot of the things that I want…having someone to come home to, someone to hold, {GENERIC ROMANTIC NEED #3}.

All I can listen to are MSI and Metric these days. Metric’s lyrics are fucking amazing.

Subtract my age from the mileage
On my speeding heart, credit cards
Accelerate, accumulate
Looked for you downtown
Wound up in a movie with no story
Now it’s late and you are nowhere to be found

Totally my life, right there. Terry’s taking a nap. I’m downstairs ’cause I was talking to my mom on the phone and didn’t want to wake him up.

Drama is going down with his landlord…Terry wrote the guy this letter and it was EXACTLY what I would complain about, how the common areas of the house have to be PERFECTLY CLEAN or it’s someone’s fault.

Anyway, I mean, I’m not really torn…Terry’s my boyfriend, and I’m going to try as hard as I can to make it work, no matter that the easy way out would bring me happiness in the short term. I don’t even know the guy, although I’ve known him through other people for a long time.

I just feel like I want to hold someone…I mean, last night when I was trying to sleep with Terry, I was imagining Patrick holding me. And I guess I’m going to have to “emotionally cheat” on him in some way to make this work. I dunno, I’m trying to navigate us out of this state where we’re perpetually mad at each other.

Maybe then we can start to rediscover what we like about each other.

Patrick got a BlackBerry Curve! I’m so jealous! :)

My mom said she’s going to put some money in my account so I don’t overdraw. She’s so amazing.

So I talked to my dad…and he talked about his impromptu trip to Mexico. I really want to know whether he went of his own volition or if a woman was involved. I would have so much more respect for him if he just went ’cause he wanted to. Which is why I didn’t ask.

I didn’t even go crazy and spend money…I spent very responsibly, and I’m still poor. Lame.

I need to work on some more artistic projects. I dunno.

It’s strange…I still write even though I’m dating him. In most of my relationships I just stop writing completely.

Or the guy uses it to manipulate me.

Who knows.

Shit, I’d better wake Terry up, we have to be at the movie in 30 minutes. We’re going to see Resident Evil! It’s only like an hour and ten minutes…it’d better be good and not a shit storm of ridiculous bullshit like the last one.

C’est la vie.

About an hour until my class… sitting here in my room. I’m too lazy to turn a light. This room is a disaster area.

I’m listening to this Metric album that I got from Christen, it’s pretty good.

I don’t know why, but I just feel like my life is in this weird state where nothing is real… all I remember is vague bits of being at school, more work, school… spending all my money on weekends eating out. I guess it could be worse.

On Monday, before my math class, I drove out to Arden fair and Christen and I had lunch. I knew it would be awesome, since my scooter had 4666 miles on it when I got there :)

666!

We exchanged presents. I gave her the fetish Hello Kitty that I got her in New York, and she gave me this super-cute Hello Kitty that was holding an apple :)

Anyway, that brightened my day. I have no idea how I did in my huge geology test I took Monday…could be great or horrible. Who knows.

I have a huge math test this morning, I think I will do okay.

Last night Christen and I went to Walgreens and spent an obscene amount of money, but we got GUNS! I got this huge one that shoots these ping-pong balls and she got this really awesome one that shoots discs. I don’t know why, but we have like five toy guns now. Christen put on her new (super-hot) high heels and we went out and had a James Bond fight in the front of her house last night! It was so damn fun.

Our toy arsenal!

Super-cute corsety thing

Before that, we no went out to that creepy Asian restaurant… I think it’s called King’s, had some food, and talked endlessly about Allen, Terry, and our ideas for our movie. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before… but we are going to create the best movie ever based on our lives. I guess the first step is to actually get a camcorder, but I think we need to make actual storyboards first. We are trying to get a feel for what the beginning and the end of the movie is going to be like, because we have a real clear idea for the middle.

I was thinking that maybe we could make it a Dogme 95 film, because Christen and I both love Harmony Korine and the movement…this is going to be a mashup of all our favorite films and our life.

We are going to become the next indie filmmakers.

Anyway, I don’t even know where I stand with Terry. Honestly, I don’t feel like I’m dating someone. I just need so much more affection than he can give, it seems.

And my friendship with Mario isn’t helping matters either.

I just feel like I’m expending all this energy to keep from any situations where I could possibly cheat, and yet he gets to go to the club and rub up against strangers. Total double-standard.

I love this album…Metric is awesome. Christen has such excellent taste.

Man, I want to rock out to peaches so bad! I need a car.

Shit, it’s one…I want to go and ogle the BlackBerry Curve at the T-Mobile Store before class, I should get going.

Terry and I went over to Brian’s house tonight and had this amazing delicious pasta that Brian made. While we were eating we watched the Family Guy Star Wars episode, it was SO funny.

It was kind of (okay, VERY) awkward that I was cracking jokes about being horny…I shouldn’t have done that. But I can’t not talk about issues when I’m with Brian…and when Terry’s there it makes it kind of weird. Okay, very weird.

I think we had a good time though, we watched that horrible Tori Amos video where she looks like Sinbad:

It is the most disturbing video you will see this week. And definitely the only one where someone will be trying to make dressing like a pirate look cool.

So I guess Terry and I are OK. He’s going to try to be more affectionate and I’m going to instigate more cuddling. I mean, it’s not the sex that is the problem, it’s the feeling of closeness. And not only were we not having sex, we were like sleeping on opposite ends of the bed. He was trying to make me think that’s OK, but I don’t think so.

He’s trying to say that the end result of being “married” or whatever, being in a long term relationship, is two people sleeping on opposite sides of a bed. I don’t think that’s true at all. I mean, are you with me on this? Am I just a needy bitch ’cause I like to cuddle a lot?

Lame.

Well, I should get to sleep. It’s nearly one and I have a big test tomorrow in my geology class (which I haven’t studied for at all, thanks to my wonderful procrastination habits). A lot of the time I feel like I’m just waiting for us to have sex, which is a terrible feeling.

Well, he is in a lot of pain…I should be more patient.

It’s time to go to sleep.

Just makes me hate the world.

We’re going over to Brian’s…I want to like bring up all our problems in front of him…but that wouldn’t be good.

I just want all my friends to gang up on him and tell him about all the things he does that are not OK.

And by the way, Amanda, where are you living these days? I love that I get your Twitter updates, I have updates via SMS on so your tweets (yes, that is the technical term for Twitter posts) go to my phone and brighten my day.

We’re going over to Brian’s tonight and we’re going to hang out and watch a new Family Guy.

You know what the most depressing thing in the world is?

Jerking off in the other room while your boyfriend is asleep ’cause he doesn’t want to have sex with you.

Woot.

I just want to cry. But when I feel that way I hang out with Brian, and then I feel better. All I need is a reference to some tawdry Kathy Griffin joke and I am A-OK.

What you GAY? Only GAY not answer phone.

I guess I was sort of overreacting last night…we did have a cute night out, and I was just obsessing over issues that could have been solved by a good night’s sleep.

I shouldn’t have written anything…Terry called me up this morning and said that we have to talk today.

So much for getting my homework done.

I think that I was overreacting when I said that I was depressed all the time…that isn’t true. We had a lot of fun this weekend, but it was overshadowed by the fact that I wanted more affection.

This was going to be my relaxing Sunday where I catch up on all my homework, but no…the drama goes on and on and on. And it’s mostly my fault. I need to stop writing when I’m angry.

But that seems to be the only time when I can figure anything out.

Eh, c’est la vie.

I guess I’d better take a shower and go over to his place.

And hope that this sinking feeling goes away.

Fuck this. I’m doing my homework first. I feel like this is all snowballing into the kind of drama where I can’t get any schoolwork done.

It’s going to be a long day. That’s for sure.

I can’t seem to have a relationship that isn’t tempestuous. But I think that’s impossible.