I’m having an okay day…I’m on lunch, didn’t eat any breakfast, so this isn’t exactly lunch.

I don’t really want to be here, but it’s better than doing nothing.

Last night I couldn’t sleep until about three again, even though I’d only gotten a few hours of sleep. I guess I was just in the mood to confess my sins. I don’t feel guilty about sex, but I do feel guilty about being so delusional thinking that guys were into me that really weren’t.

I just want to leave, pick up Terry, head down to Arden Fair, and feel rich for once.

I’m having a bit of a better day.

Well, it was up and down.

Got tested, didn’t pass out this time.

Terry met me after work, but he didn’t even sit down with me before he invited a friend of his over.

Which I wouldn’t have minded in the least, except I didn’t quite like the friend. Well, she was one of those people where they seem really cool and you’re kind of into a groove and then they’ll say something that is diametrically opposed to your philosophy of life, and you’re just like “oh…maybe not…heh.”

I’m watching this talk by Nicholas Jitkoff, the developer of Quicksilver, the indispensible Mac app. He is so damn hot. I love software developers. I want to just like show up at their house and be their slave forever. I mean, the amount of time I’ve saved using Quicksilver, I should devote a year of my life to service of my developer overlord. Just put him in some tight black jeans, some black Vans and a scene T-shirt, and I’m all over that shit. Terry and I are supposed to go shopping this weekend, and I need him to buy that outfit. I don’t care if he only wears it so I can take it off, but I need to date someone that is at least a bit of a mall punk at heart. I saw this guy at TL dressed in that kind of an outfit and I was like God, I want to put my boyfriend in your outfit, damn it. Terry is incredibly hot to me, but clothes are almost as important as real looks. Well, what ev, we’ll hit Macy’s. I think we both are a bit sick of the old standbys in our closets.

I felt really nervous and jittery after the Terry’s friend incident and didn’t want to be at True Love, so I drove to Naked Lounge (which I NEVER go to), didn’t feel like being there, so I drove towards home and stopped at Country Club Plaza to say hi to Brian. He got off work, so we went over to his parents’ house and hung out with his mom (who is incredibly funny and awesome) and we talked on the phone with Brian’s boyfriend.

Oh my god, I downloaded the most nostalgic song ever. I used to listen to it on my Walkman on a fucking casette tape in like seventh grade.

Remember it?

They’re German…which I didn’t know. Weirdly enough, this song reminds me of reading The Island of Dr. Moreau…I listened to this song on cassette tape the whole time I read it, so all I can think about is vivisected animals when I hear the song.

So yeah, I get to see if I have HIV in two weeks. Woot.

If I’m negative, then I’m pretty much out of the woods ’cause I didn’t have unprotected sex with anyone but Adrian. Yes, I am a stupid fuck, so sue me.

Let’s see…I thought about it this week and I really do fucking get around. After A and I broke up in January, it was:

Mark: Two late-night flings back when I thought he was actually interested in dating me (God was I deluding myself). It was really dirty and was just wrong on so many levels (he’s like twenty years older than me) and it was just too hot. But he dodged my phone calls and would sign on at 2 a.m. and try to get me to come back to Midtown. What a douche. He was a Mac geek though, which I think is why I thought we had some kind of a chance.

Patrick. Hawt fling during the week he came to visit. He wasn’t going to move to Sac, I’m not moving to Oklahoma, but we’d been talking about how lonely we both were for nearly six months, it was going to happen.

Josh (I don’t know his last name, the one from HorseCow). Okay, this really falls in the ‘WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING” category. Got drunk and made out with him at the party, then ditched him and had Alex pick me up (I am a twisted bitch.) Well, Alex was an asshole to me, but I never told him about that. I should have, but he bored me too much to even put fuel on the fire of drama.

Alex. We didn’t do anything really sexual, I saw his dick though. It was okay. As soon as he was naked it hit me like a ton of bricks: I just was not attracted to the guy.

HorseCow Josh (continued) Went and hung out with him a week or two later at Chris’s house (where I ran into Mario, the guy that I was 99% sure A. was cheating on me with). We went back to his place. He talked about all the guys he’d fucked that week (how romantic) and we got naked. He wanted me to fuck him, but I was really turned off by how much of a soulless whore he was. A bit of foreplay, but I was just done. Fucking him would have been vicariously fucking Annie. And no offense, but no thought could have possibly made my dick any more flaccid.

Oh yeah, Mr. D. I’m not going to talk about it. He is fucking ridiculously uptight about sex. I’ve told you about the “I’m not crying in the shower” thing. Yeah. Not going there.

And then my super-amazing boyfriend. God, I feel like such a fucking whore though. Each one was someone I thought I could maybe have a relationship with, but it totally didn’t happen. That’s how I justify it, but Jesus, I’m hella fucking promiscuous. Well, I couldn’t have gotten AIDS from anyone after A, so I guess that makes it better? I dunno. Writing this made me miss having a boyfriend, even though I do have one now. Terry is just so fucking amazing in so many ways I can’t even like…explain it.

I feel like our relationship is having its first few bumps, misunderstandings, misdelivered texts, AIM hiccups. All things that can spiral out of control if you don’t have a good framework of communication. And I think we do have a foundation. I trust him, which is totally strange for me.

Oh, I talked to Patrick today, I miss him. I feel like he’s so hot and cold a lot of the time, and it was good to actually talk to him and not have him shuffle me off the phone after like two minutes ’cause the boyfriend is calling.

I’ve been listening to that Real McCoy song on repeat for about an hour. I need the 90s in my veins.

I got really depressed today stressing about HIV, feeling like Christen is lost to me and will never come back, bleh. I had fun with Brian tonight. And hopefully Terry and I will have a relaxing afternoon at True Love tomorrow.

I dunno, I try to like live out these fantasies I have about what I’d do with my perfect boyfriend through Terry, like on his birthday that was like the perfect day ever, going to Old Sac and being all romantic.

Oh, we were going to go clothes shopping tomorrow. Hmm. And I get paid. W00t. The fact that my voice-rec doesn’t work on Leopard has me steaming mad. I was going to write this big post on this one subject but I can’t. Grr.

I need to get a little portable hard drive. I’m buying one when I get paid tomorrow.

After searching all day for the perfect ringtone for Terry, I decided on the song that I’d been using all along, “You’re My Disco” from the Party Monster soundtrack. I made a special one that has the chorus and put it on my phone tonight :)

But it’s 3 a.m. and I got like two hours of sleep last night. So it’s sleep time.