Ever have one of those moments in your life where someone says something…and you think hard about it…and the only conclusion you can come to is “Why the fuck am I doing this?”
I think I know why I’ve been listening to “I Can’t Decide” so much. It’s my damn life. I need to go home tonight.
Terry and I have spent nearly the entire weekend together. Most of the time he’s bitching about how his fucking computer won’t work and pretty much ignoring me.
I feel like he’s holding my emotions hostage. He will rarely let me snuggle with him, and for all of his bragging about his sex drive, we haven’t had sex in what feels like ages. Okay, three days, but still. We’ve been together for two whole days and we haven’t even cuddled. How fucking depressing.
Christen called me and she’s hanging out with Allen again. I knew she would. He always gets what he wants. He’s an Adrian.
They always do.
Which brings up the current question. Is Terry manipulating me?
The only motherfucking band I want to listen to right now is CSS. I guess I am tired of being sexy. He walks around half-naked the whole damn day and just…nothing.
He tells me that I just haven’t been in a long-term relationship, and that I just just jerk off on the other side of the bed.
I said that was depressing, and he said that me saying everything is depressing just makes him want to sleep with me less.
And it totally hit me. The blinding light in the dark. Christen and I are the same person. And we’re doing the same thing. Pursuing emotionally unavailable men.
Terry wants me to do nice things for him, which I thought I was…enduring the terrible cold to go see him, taking care of him when he was sick…but he wants flowers and chocolates, picnics…I guess I’m an unimaginative boyfriend.
I just hate feeling like I’m raping my him, that he doesn’t want sex as much as I do, which was the exact feeling I got when I was with Drew, although he swore to the contrary.
Oh god. You guys want to know what else is depressing? Hmm?
Tonight is our motherfucking anniversary.
And here I sit in his room with a boner that won’t go away, and I’m supposed to go out and feign like everything is okay.
And it was, I guess.
I just don’t know.
We had a good time today, went out for Chinese, watched a movie…well I watched it while he dicked around on his computer.
I mostly just want to cry. I’m such a woman when I haven’t had sex in forever. I think I need to become a eunuch. But of course, as soon as I do I’ll meet the perfect guy.
So Mario came over like last night and we all got drunk…I think Mario was trying to instigate some kind of three-way thing…but threesomes are always better in theory than in fact. I knew I’d end up in the corner crying if it actually happened, so we navigated those rapids well.
It’s just I like so many things about Terry, but I feel like he’s holding a lot back…and that most of his talk about “letting me in” is just lip service.
But on the same token, I haven’t done much in his eyes to show my commitment. I am usually in too existential a mode to buy him flowers. I just…don’t find any meaning in these objects we buy each other. I love getting people cute gifts that are kind of inside jokes, those are the best…like when I got Kelly the LP of this song that Patrick Bateman puts on when he’s going to kill someone in American Psycho (which we must have watched a million times).
I ask him to tell me he likes me, he doesn’t want to do that, he wants flowers and romantic shit, I don’t think it means much.
I just don’t know. I’ve been emotionally masochistic for so long that I don’t even know when I’m enduring things just to hurt myself or when I’m actually into someone.
I mean, I know that people in long-term relationships masturbate, I love to masturbate, but like…when you’re around your “significant other” when it’s not happening it’s just fucking strange.
And it doesn’t help that I feel like I’m begging for sex.
I’m begging to be controlled and manipulated. But it’s another one of those slippery slopes, I’ve been manipulated and controlled so many times that I don’t even know what it’s like to not be. So…no clue.
Through the worst times with Adrian, the sex was at least OK. Now, I really don’t know what to fall back on. So…we both like chai?
I just want to kill myself. I’m not really serious about it, but all of this emotional “cutting” so to speak takes its toll.
Could I live without it?
I don’t really know.
One thing’s for sure, I need to get home tonight and do my math homework. I have two big tests on Monday. Which are going to suck. On my little “vacation” Wednesday I missed my geology class which was the review for the test. So I’m sort of committing academic suicide. I think I’ll do OK on the math test, but I have to catch up on my homework in that class or I’m dead meat.
Do any of you ever have those days where you just rack your brain for something positive to think or something happy to do and you just come up empty?
I’ve been having those days too much. In fact, my main gripe today was that I didn’t find anything positive to think about.
If I wasn’t so bitter and cynical, I don’t know what I’d have left. Once you abandon hate, you are nothing. You become nothing. You have nothing left to fall back on. Just emptiness.
I think I need to go back to True Love. It somehow recharges my battery. In the dark abyss of pain (joking, of course).
Terry just suggested we go. I think it’s a good idea. Maybe I won’t feel like killing everyone.
(we just got back, it’s 1 a.m.)
I guess I feel a little better, Terry and I had a piece of pie and played scrabble. He beat me, although the scores were a little off. I think he did beat me.
I don’t know what to think about today. We returned movies, watched movies, hung out all day, argued about issues, I held his hand at the bus stop…it’s just this jumble of emotions and images…I don’t know how to reconcile it all. But I can sort of wind it all into the fact that I’m just not happy.
Being in some kind of horrible “long-term relationship” where I have sex once a week makes me want to kill myself. Well like, more than usual. Sex, love and money are the only things that I seem to live for these days, and I’m not getting enough of either.
Well, I guess what it boils down to is that I don’t think I can stay in a relationship where the sex is ridiculously infrequent. I know he’s going through a bunch of stuff, he doesn’t have a job and he’s been sick, but Jesus. What I’m trying to say is that if I’m sexually unsatisfied, that makes me tempted to cheat, and if I’m tempted to cheat, then I shouldn’t be in this relationship. I mean, I just want to snuggle with him…and he tells me the same thing he tells me all the time, that he gets really hot and it’s uncomfortable to cuddle. Well, now that it’s like maybe 40 degrees out, what’s his excuse now?
I just need more fucking affection. I don’t show affection through motherfucking flowers, I show it through giving you a hug. Maybe that’s what’s so fucked up about me. That and a million other things.
I just don’t want to be unfaithful, but when I’m not getting what I want, the thoughts creep into my head…and it’s not what I want.
I’m going to head home. I need to jerk off. And ponder whether I’m a douche. The preliminary answer is yes. I could say I’m not perfect, but that’s just a copout. I had a moment when I was drinking where I was like “So…would _____ cuddle with me afterwards?” and then of course my superego was like “No, that is a terrible idea. Bad Darius!”
But I was raised around Catholics, so I’ve already done it.
Anyway, I should go. I’m typing this in Terry’s room…and I’m getting more and more tired.
And I feel like a douche. Still.
