Ever have one of those moments in your life where someone says something…and you think hard about it…and the only conclusion you can come to is “Why the fuck am I doing this?”

I think I know why I’ve been listening to “I Can’t Decide” so much. It’s my damn life. I need to go home tonight.

Terry and I have spent nearly the entire weekend together. Most of the time he’s bitching about how his fucking computer won’t work and pretty much ignoring me.

I feel like he’s holding my emotions hostage. He will rarely let me snuggle with him, and for all of his bragging about his sex drive, we haven’t had sex in what feels like ages. Okay, three days, but still. We’ve been together for two whole days and we haven’t even cuddled. How fucking depressing.

Christen called me and she’s hanging out with Allen again. I knew she would. He always gets what he wants. He’s an Adrian.

They always do.

Which brings up the current question. Is Terry manipulating me?

The only motherfucking band I want to listen to right now is CSS. I guess I am tired of being sexy. He walks around half-naked the whole damn day and just…nothing.

He tells me that I just haven’t been in a long-term relationship, and that I just just jerk off on the other side of the bed.

I said that was depressing, and he said that me saying everything is depressing just makes him want to sleep with me less.

And it totally hit me. The blinding light in the dark. Christen and I are the same person. And we’re doing the same thing. Pursuing emotionally unavailable men.

Terry wants me to do nice things for him, which I thought I was…enduring the terrible cold to go see him, taking care of him when he was sick…but he wants flowers and chocolates, picnics…I guess I’m an unimaginative boyfriend.

I just hate feeling like I’m raping my him, that he doesn’t want sex as much as I do, which was the exact feeling I got when I was with Drew, although he swore to the contrary.

Oh god. You guys want to know what else is depressing? Hmm?

Tonight is our motherfucking anniversary.

And here I sit in his room with a boner that won’t go away, and I’m supposed to go out and feign like everything is okay.

And it was, I guess.

I just don’t know.

We had a good time today, went out for Chinese, watched a movie…well I watched it while he dicked around on his computer.

I mostly just want to cry. I’m such a woman when I haven’t had sex in forever. I think I need to become a eunuch. But of course, as soon as I do I’ll meet the perfect guy.

So Mario came over like last night and we all got drunk…I think Mario was trying to instigate some kind of three-way thing…but threesomes are always better in theory than in fact. I knew I’d end up in the corner crying if it actually happened, so we navigated those rapids well.

It’s just I like so many things about Terry, but I feel like he’s holding a lot back…and that most of his talk about “letting me in” is just lip service.

But on the same token, I haven’t done much in his eyes to show my commitment. I am usually in too existential a mode to buy him flowers. I just…don’t find any meaning in these objects we buy each other. I love getting people cute gifts that are kind of inside jokes, those are the best…like when I got Kelly the LP of this song that Patrick Bateman puts on when he’s going to kill someone in American Psycho (which we must have watched a million times).

I ask him to tell me he likes me, he doesn’t want to do that, he wants flowers and romantic shit, I don’t think it means much.

I just don’t know. I’ve been emotionally masochistic for so long that I don’t even know when I’m enduring things just to hurt myself or when I’m actually into someone.

I mean, I know that people in long-term relationships masturbate, I love to masturbate, but like…when you’re around your “significant other” when it’s not happening it’s just fucking strange.

And it doesn’t help that I feel like I’m begging for sex.

I’m begging to be controlled and manipulated. But it’s another one of those slippery slopes, I’ve been manipulated and controlled so many times that I don’t even know what it’s like to not be. So…no clue.

Through the worst times with Adrian, the sex was at least OK. Now, I really don’t know what to fall back on. So…we both like chai?

I just want to kill myself. I’m not really serious about it, but all of this emotional “cutting” so to speak takes its toll.

Could I live without it?

I don’t really know.

One thing’s for sure, I need to get home tonight and do my math homework. I have two big tests on Monday. Which are going to suck. On my little “vacation” Wednesday I missed my geology class which was the review for the test. So I’m sort of committing academic suicide. I think I’ll do OK on the math test, but I have to catch up on my homework in that class or I’m dead meat.

Do any of you ever have those days where you just rack your brain for something positive to think or something happy to do and you just come up empty?

I’ve been having those days too much. In fact, my main gripe today was that I didn’t find anything positive to think about.

If I wasn’t so bitter and cynical, I don’t know what I’d have left. Once you abandon hate, you are nothing. You become nothing. You have nothing left to fall back on. Just emptiness.

I think I need to go back to True Love. It somehow recharges my battery. In the dark abyss of pain (joking, of course).

Terry just suggested we go. I think it’s a good idea. Maybe I won’t feel like killing everyone.

(we just got back, it’s 1 a.m.)

I guess I feel a little better, Terry and I had a piece of pie and played scrabble. He beat me, although the scores were a little off. I think he did beat me.

I don’t know what to think about today. We returned movies, watched movies, hung out all day, argued about issues, I held his hand at the bus stop…it’s just this jumble of emotions and images…I don’t know how to reconcile it all. But I can sort of wind it all into the fact that I’m just not happy.

Being in some kind of horrible “long-term relationship” where I have sex once a week makes me want to kill myself. Well like, more than usual. Sex, love and money are the only things that I seem to live for these days, and I’m not getting enough of either.

Well, I guess what it boils down to is that I don’t think I can stay in a relationship where the sex is ridiculously infrequent. I know he’s going through a bunch of stuff, he doesn’t have a job and he’s been sick, but Jesus. What I’m trying to say is that if I’m sexually unsatisfied, that makes me tempted to cheat, and if I’m tempted to cheat, then I shouldn’t be in this relationship. I mean, I just want to snuggle with him…and he tells me the same thing he tells me all the time, that he gets really hot and it’s uncomfortable to cuddle. Well, now that it’s like maybe 40 degrees out, what’s his excuse now?

I just need more fucking affection. I don’t show affection through motherfucking flowers, I show it through giving you a hug. Maybe that’s what’s so fucked up about me. That and a million other things.

I just don’t want to be unfaithful, but when I’m not getting what I want, the thoughts creep into my head…and it’s not what I want.

I’m going to head home. I need to jerk off. And ponder whether I’m a douche. The preliminary answer is yes. I could say I’m not perfect, but that’s just a copout. I had a moment when I was drinking where I was like “So…would _____ cuddle with me afterwards?” and then of course my superego was like “No, that is a terrible idea. Bad Darius!”

But I was raised around Catholics, so I’ve already done it.

Anyway, I should go. I’m typing this in Terry’s room…and I’m getting more and more tired.

And I feel like a douche. Still.

I’m at True Love and it’s cold. The summer is over and I’m freezing. I dressed very warm though…

I just spent my last five dollars before payday, but I needed a cafe day.

It’s been threatening to rain since two days ago.

I should go home and write with voice-rec.

I think Terry’s mad at me…something about Scientology.

Must listen to more Dresden Dolls. It’s the only solution. To anything.

I’m going to sign off this computer and read a book.

There. I said it.

I ate too much tonight. I feel fat and lame.

Yet I still can’t get off of the computer.

I need to reinvent myself.

Cut my hair.

Read more.

Start jogging again.

But I couldn’t even get my laundry done today.

Did my math homework though.

Well, Brian’s calling me. I should turn this computer off and go to sleep.

So basically I haven’t written in like two weeks.

It was because I really really wanted to write about the awesome party we had when Chisten came back from Burning Man. We did everything we normally do… drove around blasting “Bank of Boston Beauty Queen,” went back to her place, got drunk on some Stoli and hard apple cider, and we bitched about everything that sucked in our lives. But I didn’t have access to voice-rec until today.

Terry was having a problem with me that day, so he wasn’t having very much fun. I guess I probably should have done the reunion party with just me and her because I’m sure Terry felt like a third wheel. We had a lot of fun though.

Let’s see… what else did we do? Terry and I have been hanging out a lot. Our schedules are really compatible in that when I get off of work he gets out of school. We hung out pretty much all weekend, but Sunday is our homework day. I have to do two sections of math and our take-home test. I’m really loving my geology class… it’s so incredible to be able to look at a rock and tell that it’s just a big hunk of silicon atoms or something like that. Sulfur is the most amazing rock ever. It is the brightest banana yellow you will ever see and is light as a feather. It doesn’t really even smell, you have to hold it really close and scratch off some dust, but it doesn’t give off that terrible smell that we normally associate with sulfur until it is bonded with another atom (which I forget right now). When he becomes a sulfide or a sulfate that’s when it smells really bad like rotten eggs.

My math class has been pretty ho-hum, everything has been easy so far. I’m thinking that I should’ve taken a higher level class, but probably in another month I won’t be thinking that.

Things with Terry have been up and down, but mostly up. We’ll reach some kind of a roadblock of an issue that I have or an issue that he has and then we’ll consider it for awhile and then realize what is really going on (at least from my perspective). I just need to get into the habit of telling him everything I feel in the beginning before it snowballs into anything more. I’m used to having to bottle up my emotions when I was around Adrian because the least little thing could explode and ruin the entire week.

I appreciate that I can get a lot of perspective for my friends about what’s okay and what’s not okay in relationships (cuz I really don’t know after so long).

I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to realize this, but sex is ridiculously powerful in regulating my moods. I was kind of feeling like I just wanted to cry all day yesterday, then I got a bunch of things on my chest, and we had uberhot sex, and then just everything was right in the world, we were joking and laughing and making sandwiches…even joking about us fighting.

Terry and I had such a fun day yesterday. We woke up at his place and rode the train out to this AMAZING Asian food place past Broadway, Yummy something. After that we walked down K Street to the IMAX theatre, Terry wanted to check and see if the Harry Potter movie was playing, which it was. We were going to see it, but when I told him that I hadn’t seen the preceding movies he said that we should rent them all and watch them before we see the most recent one. So we went down to the Hollywood Video by his old house and rented the first three, two of which I had seen two (although I cannot place where or when). You know, I wasn’t really gung ho about the whole Harry Potter bandwagon, but after living in a society where all we can seem to do is make movies that are copies of other movies that were made in the 70s or movies that are copies of fucking comic books, this is the only original story around these days. So I enjoy watching them.

Christen and Allen broke up. Don’t know if I mentioned it. I also don’t know what this really means for her whole future in HorseCow, but she was hanging out with the HC crowd last night, so I think she is still in the good graces of everyone there. I mean, she’s more awesome than Allen by like a factor of a hundred. And, of course, I think Allen wants her to stay around in the group and then still fuck him, which I hope to god she doesn’t. He is such a douchebag. He even puts Adrian to shame in sheer scumbagosity. I overheard him talking to her in front of everyone saying that “oh, no one is that exclusive here.” Yeah, sure. Because you’re in the motherfucking Manson family so you can fuck everyone in the world and feel good about it.

I don’t have a problem with people who experiment with being sexually open with a lot of people to discover who you are or some kind of journey to find yourself by immolation, but I have an issue when it’s not about exploring new ways of living and it’s really just about doing whatever the fuck you want and being a spoiled little boy and never growing up.

The summer of love was 40 years ago, bitch. And it’s fucking over.

Anyway, enough vitriol for him.

I’m waiting for my FedEx package, but I don’t think it’s going to come. They tried to deliver it yesterday, but they didn’t deliver it because no one was here. It’s my new 500GB Drive which I could never afford and I have no idea why I bought. I have like $30 my bank account yet I have a terabyte of storage now. Can I really have that much porn? Is that even like, allowed? lol

Contrary to popular opinion, though, the bulk of my storage really isn’t taken up by porn. I audited my storage a few months ago and I found out that only about 12% of my total storage was taken up by porn. But I guess when you have about 700 GB, that’s a lot. God damn this algebra class, I see everything as an algebra problem now. We are doing percentage problems and this would be a perfect example.

78. Darius has two computers and one external hard drive. One is a Mac Mini with an 80GB hard drive, a MacBook with a 120GB hard drive, and a 500GB external drive. He has 70 gigs of porn. What percentage of his hard drive space is taken up by porn?

700x = 70 = .10
—- –
700 700

Darius uses 10% of his storage for porn.

I’m having a Dresden Dolls day.

Who am I kidding? Every day is a Dresden Dolls day.

We can split Germany right down the middle…you’d hate it there anyway, and we’ll call it even.

Such a depressing song.

Meh, time for something sexy, like iio.

My grandma (in her insanity) has locked herself out of most of the rooms in the house. I’m hibernating in my room hoping that she found a key. I just want to yell at her for doing it. I mean, what the hell is anyone going to steal in her room, and it’s not like the outside doors aren’t locked with a million locks.

Orrin just knocked on my door, he said they had to call a locksmith yesterday, and it’s not working today either. Jesus. Just keep the fucking thing unlocked. My God. People just need to realize that they are old. Grr.

Weird. Well, I think I’m going to call my mom back. She sent me a box! :)

I’ve just been wanting to say that forever.

Most of the time today, I’ve just felt like crying.

A lot of reasons.

I don’t have my headset.

I’m stuck inside myself.

I did get a cool ice pack for my wrists though.

Won’t allow me to type though.

Lame.

This is what I’ve been watching all day.

Kill me.