I’m sitting on a grassy knoll. I think that’s what this is. It’s what the 23rd Magus would call it.
I’m charging my phone, depleting my laptop.
It’s become a $1,300 spare battery.
I need a spare soul. Another life.
Seven minutes late for my math class. Didn’t go. Ate an egg salad sandwich.
Saw Conor, we laughed and joked about LoveFest and Folsom Street. Felt like I was switching out ROMs to be able to interact with him.
I can’t speak. I can’t exist. I just keep staring blankly ahead…driving, eating, school…it all slips by.
All I can think is that I hurt him.
And that he’s making it all about me.
He was shutting me out. I didn’t know how long I was going to have to wait. How long does it take before you can unlock the cellar and let all the demons out. A month…maybe two? I don’t know.
I feel completely and totally evil. All I could think about…I cheated…I fucked him over…I betrayed him.
Some days I wish I wasn’t an atheist. It would be so comforting for someone to forgive me. I guess that’s why the Jesus cult is so attractive.
Having Jesus forgive you is easier than forgiving yourself. It’s another lock and chain on the demons.
I knew what would happen when I drove over to Mario’s.
I felt like Terry would never love me. For all his talk about “expressing his feelings differently than me,” I didn’t feel like he cared at all. He could never get over all the “my mother never loved me” stuff. Couldn’t even touch it.
His insistence that no one had ever wanted to hold him so much made it really clear. He dates soulless fags. And I feel like that’s what he wanted. Someone to pretend everything was fine, someone to get drunk with…I don’t know.
He sent me this song.
How conventional. How boring.
Everything he does…I feel like I could program him onto a ROM. I couldn’t help but think that our breakup could have been a script in a bad movie.
It was bad acting on both of our parts.
“Get out.”
My hysterical call to Christen.
We didn’t trust each other.
We didn’t take the time to become friends (or would we have even been friends?).
Doomed from the start.
As a good friend of mine said,
It’s really easy to expect “love” from someone and not have to give it in return. He seems to feel VERY uncomfortable with being emotionally open with someone, and really Darius, it wasn’t something healthy for either one of you.
For him it was a way to get just enough “love” to not have to face the things he would need to to really be able to be in a loving relationship and for you, it was a way to be in something you so desperately want. (both of us want something to truly be love with someone, and all we want is that feeling back.)
So, I understand.
Just take the situation as it is. You really shouldn’t worry yourself with what he thinks of you, simply because it has no impact on your life any more.
I guess that says what I feel better than I could.
Must stop listening to depressing Nails songs.
Stop acting like all the problems in the relationship were all my fault.
Start thinking about igneous rocks. I have a test Monday.
I don’t know andesite from rhyolite.
Wish I knew what it all boiled down to.
When I close my eyes, all I can see is the convection currents moving the plates of the world all around…America at the equator covered with water, chunks of California flying out to sea, the ocean floor gobbled up by countless continents…trillions of species now extinct…everything constantly shifting.
All these volcanic disasters that could happen in our lifetime. It just seems to make life so much cheaper.
I don’t know what to feel.
I’m going to go over to Christen’s.
